posteed

I have so many posts that I wrote that I never posted. I usually write my posts in word and then paste them into my blogs. I learned that trick in my early blogging days. I got sick of after working on a post for hours by some strange twist of fate it’s gone. Lost forever. If I had posted all of it, I wouldn’t seem like such a disinterested blogger.

I am feeling abnormally depressed today. In my work email there was a big letdown. I was slated to work on an engineering study that is worth a million euro that appears to have passed me by. I was hoping that we would be getting some new orders so that I could keep working. Everything just looks bleak today. I suppose it could have something to do with me missing my gel for four days in a row. Or, it could be that the economy is in the shitter big time, I’m just about broke due to working only three days a week, and the weather is gray cold and snowy. All I want to do is sleep all the time.

I am thinking that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to take the fashion blogging too seriously. I should have known it would have been addictive like crack. I got so high from the experience that I am completely obsessed with doing it again, and this time to get paid for it. I think I am good enough, actually better than blogging, but blogging is so super hot at the moment that I can’t pass it up. I have the potential to write at a more advanced level than blogging, so I am hoping that through blogging I can work my way into some real writing. Full feature length articles preferably. I am struggling with how to get the most exposure to generate the most amount of leads for freelance assignments.

I loved the journalism aspect of the Fashion Week coverage. It felt so natural to be discussing the details with the designers. I felt almost like a peer, almost. I was able to at least speak their language and therefore got them to open up to me. I wanted to get inside their heads to get as much content as possible. The problem is condensing it afterward. That is something I need to work on. I take in so much visually that I have trouble with leaving something out, feeling the article incomplete or not telling the whole story.

How did blogs become so popular anyway? I started this one in 2005 and it served it’s purpose for me personally. It is a depository for written accounts of my experiences. With all the supposed visibility that I gained through blogging AIFW, it stands to reason that many people have visited my vault here. I wonder what they think of me now? I am not entirely the polished, confident persona that I displayed at the shows. Or am I? I think deep down inside I am that person, and that is my game face. Everyone needs a game face, especially in fashion.

I experienced almost total professionalism at AIFW. I wasn’t turned away by anyone, except for the official closing party. I wanted to go as a form of closure of the events. They wouldn’t let me past the door and I thought it seemed like the only pretentious situation I had encountered all week. The party seemed more like a Redken courting session from outside, and I don’t think anyone I know actually went. I got to look for a recognizable name on the guest list, but it seemed like there weren’t any discernible names, just the same email address over and over. The greeters were aloof but nice enough, and there was a total thug with really bad energy controlling the door. I went home and got to spend time with my fiancé. That was rewarding. We worked on getting my website organized together.

It does something to me to view a designer’s collection the very first time it is shown, before public consumption. I also see that it is a made up privilege, only to be shown to everyone who cares to look at photos a couple of minutes later. It is definitely different experiencing it live, the first view.  What a rush!

fatigue

I have been writing every day for what seems like weeks.  I need to shut off for a day or two.

I just submitted a cv and my portfolio for a professional blogger position.  I have nothing to lose at this point, so why not try?  I have 8 articles published online so far, with two in editing.  I loved every minute of the fashion week, and the last day was a nice finale.  I met many interesting people that day.  I think it cemented my will to pursue my dream job.

I put together a CV and cover letter this afternoon.  I had a resume already established, but it was geared toward selling my engineering background.  I wrote the CV with the concentration on selling my journalism and writing skills.  I wrote it relatively quickly, but then again I have been tossing all of the information around my brain over the past days.  It was just a question of dumping it out and sorting it.  I like the power that words have.

I have loathed my present job for quite some time, and wished I had some other opportunities.  The manufacturing sector worldwide, except for China, is in the shitter.  I stay home four days and go to work three, and there is not much signs of life on the horizon. I need to get moving on somehow, and I know I want to do something completely different.  Although, the fashion industry does have some parallels to the automotive industry, as with the incremented introduction of new lines and models.  Haute couture thankfully does not involve mass production, but I imagine RTW is probably somewhat similar.

Rest.  That is what I need to let myself enjoy.  I am still high from the experiences of recent times and feel a fire pushing me forward, but I must rest.  Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

on my own

The title has nothing to do with this post. I just need to get some of my own thoughts out without censoring them. I find myself at the end of a tailspin.

Now I am allowed to crash and burn. I have the next four days off. I am on layoff Fridays and Mondays for the whole month of February. I haven't been sleeping much lately, due to the candle burning at both ends that I carry to light my way.

I have fantasies of being like the fashion column writer I read about that writes for the NYT. Spending lots of time in Paris and NYC. Experiencing fashion at it's best. Jetting around the world dedicated to fashion.

I was already obsessed with fashion before all this happened, now I am off my face. It's all I think about now, almost, well a lot. More than I probably should. The nun stops me mid sentence when I start talking about it. I need to be in it, like an addiction. I felt so high after speaking with tom s. at aifw, after I realized who he was. That was a big problem for me, that I don't really know many people involved. I do know more people now, though.

Tom told me that I made a statement with my personal presentation at the shows. I wish I wasn't so hard with him when he first approached me. "Well, you look good." he said. Then I came back without even thinking, like a defense reflex, "It's my business to look good." I honestly don't know where that came from. I normally don't act like that at all. There have been strange fits of over confidence and actually narcissism too that have come out. I find it a bit embarrassing now that I think back on the past three weeks.  I did manage to keep it together while mingling with the guests.

His complement was genuine, he even called me after he read my pieces on the shows. It made me feel somewhat good, not as much as it should have I guess. I felt more excited that I spoke with someone who could possibly use my writing talents. I find that my appearance in normal circumstances like my current job is out of place. I am way over dressed for the office most of the time. But at the shows I felt like my appearance fit in perfectly, the atmosphere felt normal and I felt dressed just right. That was a nice feeling. I guess I have been preparing for something like this to happen without even knowing it. The nun was wondering why I was buying so many shoes.  Now you know.