fatigue

I have been writing every day for what seems like weeks.  I need to shut off for a day or two.

I just submitted a cv and my portfolio for a professional blogger position.  I have nothing to lose at this point, so why not try?  I have 8 articles published online so far, with two in editing.  I loved every minute of the fashion week, and the last day was a nice finale.  I met many interesting people that day.  I think it cemented my will to pursue my dream job.

I put together a CV and cover letter this afternoon.  I had a resume already established, but it was geared toward selling my engineering background.  I wrote the CV with the concentration on selling my journalism and writing skills.  I wrote it relatively quickly, but then again I have been tossing all of the information around my brain over the past days.  It was just a question of dumping it out and sorting it.  I like the power that words have.

I have loathed my present job for quite some time, and wished I had some other opportunities.  The manufacturing sector worldwide, except for China, is in the shitter.  I stay home four days and go to work three, and there is not much signs of life on the horizon. I need to get moving on somehow, and I know I want to do something completely different.  Although, the fashion industry does have some parallels to the automotive industry, as with the incremented introduction of new lines and models.  Haute couture thankfully does not involve mass production, but I imagine RTW is probably somewhat similar.

Rest.  That is what I need to let myself enjoy.  I am still high from the experiences of recent times and feel a fire pushing me forward, but I must rest.  Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

auslaufmodell

There is some sort of strange string bean model that is sitting a few seats away facing me and a pair of giggling turkish princesses too. I am more of a woman than all of them put together. The turkish princess right in front of me looks like she is scratching her pussy with her inch long fingernails. gross! At least when I need to scratch my pussy I have enough sense to go to the bathroom.

Well I survived my surgery and all is healing as well as can be expected. I didn’t manage to totally quit smoking unfortunately. I’m a bit disappointed with myself that I wasn’t able to do it. I at least didn’t smoke at all while I was in the hospital, and I didn’t start again until several days after coming home. I have noticed that I have reduced the daily amount that I smoke relative to how much I used to smoke. I do still want to try to quit totally. I should plan it and stick with it. I feel somehow that the next time will be easier. I have to want not to smoke anymore for it to work.

I’m sitting here writing this on the ICE going to meet my love in Amsterdam for the weekend. I have a job interview tomorrow in Rotterdam. I decided to make it worth my while by traveling stressed tonight, since they wanted me to come earlier than if I traveled tomorrow. My only hope is that it turns out to be more than just a possibility, and perhaps lead to something real.

I am skeptical that I will ever find a new job because of my transsexuality. In a perfect world I would be evaluated based on my experience and expertise, and not on my gender expression. I am expecting it to take a long time until I eventually find a company that is willing to take the perceived risk to hire me. I just hope it is a job that I actually want. My main priority right now is to make sure that I continue to heal well and then the job search comes secondary. I want to move to the Netherlands to be closer to my gnun. I love her so much. I just hope I can stand the dutchies though.

I had a telephone interview for a job in Switzerland to be an onsite engineer for an American company that has partnered with a Swiss company to provide them with manufacturing capacity. The Swiss company develops and produces photovoltaic material for solar collectors. I spoke with people from their office in Plano Texas. The interview lasted for a full hour and I was able to satisfactorily answer all of their questions. I had a good feeling afterwards, but I have not heard anything from them or the headhunter that set all of it up. They even subjected me to two online psychological evaluations. Some of the questions were relatively insulting; such as “did you ever steal as a child?” and the last question on the last one was “some of my answers on this questionnaire are not 100% honest.” I think tests or evaluations like that are total bullshit, but one must endure some ridiculous things to get a job these days. The problem with this one is that the position in Switzerland will only last from 12 to 18 months, and then I would have to move to either their office in Austria or Czech Republic. Also there may be some resistance to give up information so that I would be able to perform my duties. I would be the engineering middle(wo)man between the Swiss and the Americans. They are expecting that the partnership will generate 350 to 400 million dollars worth of revenue for them. The manufacturing plant is in Singapore, which I am not so crazy about being a part of the exploitation of cheap labor. I’m not sure about this one. I will probably receive some feedback in the next couple of days.

The interview tomorrow is for a staffing firm that provides bodies for offshore, maritime, and tunnel boring companies. They are interested in me because of my international and German experience. I will be meeting with one man and one woman tomorrow at their office in rottingdam at ten a.m. I really hope that it turns out to be worth my effort to meet them when they wanted and for the amount of time they requested. I hope I am not met with disappointment like I was at a couple of other interviews in the Netherlands. I will try to put my best face forward and hope for the best and act as if I don’t need their job. In reality I don’t because I am still gainfully employed, for the moment anyway. If it comes down to a discussion about my gender, I hope it stays on a professional level. If it turns ugly I will just thank them for their time and take my leave of them. I will not let anyone disrespect me and sit there and take it.

I have been taking on much more responsibility at work these days because I agreed to be the replacement for my supervisor when he is not in the office for whatever reason. I have also temporarily taken over the responsibility for moving a project further while Helmi is sick. The schedule is quickly running away on us and I have to hit it hard on Monday when I am back in the office. I am able to deal with the stress ok so far, and thankfully I only have three more weeks and then I am off for five weeks again. I am really looking forward to enjoying myself over those weeks. I am sure that I will be ready for a break when I reach that point, if this first week back at work is any indication of how the rest will go.

I have my six week examination on this coming Monday, even though it will have been seven weeks since surgery. I am very happy with the results of my surgery, even though I was a bit disappointed at first. I think that the lack of hormones had a very serious effect on my perception of things.

frankreich

I’m on the ICE on the trip back from hamsterdam again. This weekend went by way to fast. I arrived on Friday night at 23.40 and then tracked the KR0c back to her lair and she made some cherrini bait. Cherrini didn’t go for the bait at first, but in the end, her hunger would not go unsatisfied. We finally fell asleep at about 3.30 am. I slept until noon and awoke to find the aquanun slipped away while I slumbered. She had to work, so I found out later when she came back home for a late breakfast. I had an egg with fried cauliflower and saatenbrot toast with almond butter. The kR0C had eggs with some green stuff fried beside it. I’m not sure what to make of her eating habits sometimes.

The nUN0I went back to work and I got showered and put on makeup. I burned the skin around and under my brows. I colored them on Friday morning before work and I think I put either too much developer drops or the skin was too clean. I think that it is recommended to color them in the morning after not washing the skin, so that the natural oils and moisturizers act to protect the skin from irritation. My brow area over both eyes is red and at times really itchy. I have never had this problem before, and it is really bad. I’ll have to be much more careful next time. Just writing about it is making me itch. I finished getting ready and went to do some shopping on the walk to meet the nUnO1 at work. I stopped for a quick coffee and then bought some purple animomi flowers at the bloemenmarkt, and then I went to Lush to get more soak and float shampoo to help with my scalp problems.

I arrived at paradise and the kRoC let me in to wait for her to be finished setting up the vj. We left to go to the vrankrijk to meet anus to set up the beamer and everything for later after the bands were finished. She was invited to vj with the dj after the bands were finished. As we were enjoying a bier and salted almonds, one of the organizers said to me, “so aquanun told me that you wanted to help out tonight?” I said, yeah sure, of course. My fiancé had volunteered me to work without telling me, and I had to find it out from the organizer even. No worries, I didn’t mind, she had to go back to work for a couple of hours anyway. We left and went back home to have some dinner. We both went back to the place and then separated. I was asked to collect glasses for the bar. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first because people were not so easy with letting me through the crowd to get the empties. I eventually got into it and everything went fine. Once the crowd saw what I was doing, they began to let me through easily and also put their empties on the stack. I’m proud of myself since I didn’t break any. I met a great number of the people in the KrOc’s circle of friends. It seemed everyone was having a nice night. I was too. I met lots of people that said they heard of me, but I hadn’t heard of them. She knows so many people. One woman introduced herself to me, and although she looked very familiar, I for sure hadn’t met her before. This morning I found that she was an identical twin of one of the organizers. That kinda tripped me out a bit.

This trip and the last one were both relatively hectic, with the aikido workshop last time and the vrankrijk party this time. The party last night was a benefit for Ladyfest in Rotterdam in the summer. There were four bands and el bandita and her girlfriend spinning in between bands. It was nice to be amongst a lot of feminist women and some were queer too I’m sure. I had to become like a cat to maneuver between all the people in the crowd whilst carrying lots of very breakable glass. I had fun and told the kRoc that it is ok to volunteer me to do stuff there if there is another occasion that I will be in town for.

We have such wonderful lovemaking together and are so into each other. I feel as though I am finally getting my life together, or maybe that things are just fitting better now? It makes me feel good woteva it is. With the aikido practice and katsugen undo together I am able to accomplish both physical and mental conditioning. Both combined have given me a new feeling of vitality and energy. I feel as though that the time was exactly right to begin practicing them both. I am also trying to make an effort to organize all my belongings in my apartment. I began sorting my clothes, and when I am through with that I will work on organizing my shoes. I have bought countless pairs of relatively expensive and good quality shoes that didn’t end up fitting right. I am contemplating selling them on ebay, to at least try to get some of the money that I spent on them back somehow. After the shoes, then I want to tackle my sewing supplies and fabrics. I am planning on making an inventory list in excel so that I can actually know what I have without searching through everything to find what I need. I will also have to contemplate what to do about renovating my apartment in anticipation of eventually moving out. I want to do what I can when I can to prevent having to do everything all at once, not to mention the money outlay.

I feel better now than I have felt for a very long time. I just don’t know how I will get everything done. It seems as though I have very little time to just sit around and do nothing. Work also promises to become a lot more demanding in the next bit of time. I am finishing the first project for vw and the next one has already started. The climate at work is rather bad at the moment, but I am remarkably better able to deal with it and not let it get me down so much as it has in the past. I did notice last week that after standing in between two people arguing and yelling at each other, I couldn’t help but absorb some of their negative energy. I tried to cleanse myself of it after lunch so that it didn’t ruin the rest of my day, but I guess I wasn’t strong enough to be able to do it yet. I felt not so nice that evening, and I should have practiced K-U but I had to work on organizing my paperwork for preparing my taxes. The next day I felt better again, except for learning that others had decided that I should go to Kassel the next day. Management by surprise is the best, trust me, it really keeps one on their toes. I feel much clearer mentally, which is a nice feeling to have. I am trying to use my positive energy to find balance within my life, and between my body and mind.

I am going to attempt to get into bed at a decent time tonight, as I must wash my hair in the morning and vw is supposed to be coming for the entire day to see the machine that I designed for them. The assembly went off without any major problems, and they were able to run it without problem up to 5000 revolutions per minute when I left on friday to go home. I hope they were able to get the rest of the program to run over the weekend. The machine is designed to be run at a maximum speed of 8000 rpm. I will be interested to find out how things went tomorrow. I hope everything stayed together. I am proud of myself that the machine was able to be run at relatively high speed immediately after being final assembled. I feel as though I met the challenge that I was presented with, and the challenge was not only the design itself, but also the negative milieu that I was forced to design it in. I am a strong woman, and I am finally beginning to realize it.

kasselerbraten

I am on my way to VW Kassel again. I was told yesterday late morning that I won another trip to the chaos of the machine installation site. I have had so much to do lately both at work and privately. I am in the final stages of the process of submitting my request for coverage of the costs for surgery. I have had the chance to read the psychological evaluation in all its gory detail, and make comments and request revisions. I am thankful to have that opportunity. I also will be beginning aikido training tonight at the dojo around the corner from me. I have also been trying to get my bike back in order. I bought a low resistance generator so that I will have lights that work again. I am baking biscotti twice a week with lots of almonds and chocolate chips and with rice syrup instead of refined sugar.

Today went fairly well, I have made all my trains and they were on time as well. At VW all went good as well. I unloaded all the many kilos of screws that I smuggled in my bag to the guys installing my machines. We were a bit late to go to lunch so all that was left in the cafeteria to eat was a shitty salami pizza with way too much bell pepper on it. I hate bell pepper. Everyone was nice to me and in a good mood too. I will have to go back there next week to discuss the next project. The next project is a copy of what they are installing now. I got a nice bonus today, I found some missing special screws that we need badly for the machine that we are trying to assemble. Somehow they were shipped to site and were just lying around the test cell. We were discussing something else when the box caught my eye. There are still two other sets of screws that are missing so we just ordered more. So far it was a goed day.

I received my keikogi, japanese for training suit, yesterday night and I decided to take a chance and wash it. It seemed at first a bit large, but after doing some research online for tips from women on how to deal with the keikogi bagginess, I found a trick to get rid of some of the bulk. I am excited because tonight is the first beginner training session in which I will participate. Christiane is going to come with me hopefully. I spoke with her last night about it and she will meet me a half hour before so we can go there together. I am so glad that the aquanun asked me to go to the workshop in hamsterdam. I did some reading online that Itsuo Tsuda wrote. I found it interesting that he stated that one should not push others to do the respiratory practice, but to rather wait until one is ready to return to more of a natural existence and to seek knowledge of oneself. Then the respiratory practice will have the intended effect on the mind and body. I feel like I am exactly at that point. Since I have met the nuN01 I have been living somewhat healthier, and I have also out of frustration with my doctors decided to take my own health into my hands and to treat myself naturally. I am glad I did. The results make me feel really nice. The practice of katsugen undo and aikido are a nice complement to my new state of being. I am really looking forward to starting aikido tonight. I think I will do it three times a week if possible. I have already noticed a difference.

survival kit

I survived yet another electrolysis session. She was rushing to get me finished because she didn’t plan enough time to be thorough. And as a consequence caused me more pain than normal. I also wanted to do my chest and around my areola but she told me she wouldn’t have time. It stung a bit when I thought about the last week walking around with relatively long hair, although scarce, but still noticeable at close proximity, between my breasts. I made sure to tell her to plan enough time next treatment to do my other areas.

I went to an aikido workshop last weekend in hamsterdam. The program was basically aikido for 1.5 hours, a 20 minute break, and then katsugen undo for 1.5 hours. The aikido was difficult on my body, especially my feet and knees. I was not used to having to sit in a kneeling position so therefore the skin on the tops of my feet and knees were raw and the muscles and tendons stretched too far. The katsugen undo was the main reason I went to the workshop. I made it through all of it without missing anything, so I have a nice sense of accomplishment. I should since it all brought me close to death and I survived it.

I was warned to be cautious with the katsugen undo because it has the potential to work against my transition. I did four sessions over the weekend and also in the past two nights here in my living room. I’m not totally sure if what I am feeling is from the katsugen undo already, but I seem to have a new approach to stressful situations. I have had three separate instances this week where someone called me totally stressed out and started to lay some shit on me. I was able somehow to shield myself from their projection. I was able to stay calm and cooperative and reassuring that we are doing the best we can and that it will work out. I don’t seriously think it will all work out, but I try to be positive anyway. I am able to accept things better, and to therefore not get stressed about things I cannot influence. I feel more of a sense of calm and peacefulness, and clarity that is scaring me.

for the first couple of days after the workshop I was wondering if I would continue the aikido. The katsugen undo I will continue for sure, as long as I don’t notice any problems. I decided yesterday that I would continue with the aikido, and tonight I realized why. aikido and katsugen undo seem to belong together somehow. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be part of a system that has masters one must answer to. I like to look at it as a teacher-student relationship, and not necessarily as an authority or dominate-submissive relationship. The focus was on feeling rather than thinking. Between my new found good health and now katsugen undo too, I feel so good and have so much energy.

There are lots of things I need to get accomplished so I am not going to have much free time or the next foreseeable future. I am thinking I might try to go to aikido three times a week and do katsugen undo when I have time in the evening or morning. I ordered a training kimono online yesterday from a place in Ffm. christi told me that she wanted to try aikido the last time I saw her. I want to get in touch with her this weekend to tell her my plans and to see if she still wants to do it. Even if she decides not to do it, I will continue. I am thankful for my girlfriend, that she has shown me the way. Grazie amore mio dolce.

I would like to write more but I have to cook dinner, eat, write two emails, and finish writing a script for the product line manager on the dual clutch machine I designed for vw. He will be reading my text in a video tomorrow with the machine that he knows nothing about. I guess he doesn’t have to when he has lackeys around like me. The original due date on the writing wasn’t until first week in march, then it was the 27^th, and this morning it became today. I started writing it at about noon and had to leave at four thirty with three quarters of a page. I need to write about the test procedures that the customer plans to perform with the machine. I should be really stressed but I am not, and that feels nice.

don’t let me forget to write about the ambulance mafia experience. ciao!

autostadt

I am on a train to wolfsburg to visit VW with Fredi and Thilo. The last train we were on had a wifi hotspot. It didn’t work so well though and is really expensive. I think I will check into whether or not my internet service at home has the option to log on to the hotspots, because it is the same provider. I have the feeling it would end up being expensive and not very good quality. I want to check into I though just to see.

This is going to be a long day. I got up at 5.15 am and was at the bahnhof at 7.15 am, our train departed at 7.23 am. We will arrive in wolfsburg at 10.15 am, then we will be at VW werk for lunch and meetings and then our train home departs at 16.55. We will be back in darmstadt at 20.30. I hope we will make our train to go home on time. Fredi is always animated and very talkative, I am used to it, I just hope the rest today can hang.

I brought my laptop so that I could write while I have the idle time on the train. I also read through my psych evaluation this morning. I will have to read it a couple more times before I can really comprehend it. I understood what everything was that they wrote, but the general theme I need to understand better. It seems as though they may have sort of tailored my answers into a prescribed model of a classic genuine transsexual. There are lots of inaccuracies that I will have to correct. My sexual history at first seemed incorrect, but now that I have read the rest, I think their focus on my contextual homosexuality was just setting up a premise for their later conclusions. I will probably correct the factual mistakes and then try to discuss with them if there is a strategy to their formulation of the document. I can say that the results and conclusions and recommendations are all positive and hopefully will be enough to get me approved for the insurance to pay for my surgery.

I was just standing outside the wolfsburg bahnhof smoking and there was a blonde girl there also smoking. She reminded me of sophia with her platinum hair and the color of her skin. I was reminded of how envious of the girls that I dated I was. I liked being with them and found it comforting, but I always harbored jealousy or envy that they were born female and I wasn’t. I loved it when they dressed up nice to go out somewhere, but that was when my jealousy would peak. I wanted so badly to be able to put on that stereotypical little black dress with nice stockings and heels and to look and feel elegant. I wanted to be the arm candy.

Even though it is sometimes difficult to come to terms with my gender transition, I am very glad that I finally decided to get off my dead ass and to do something constructive about it. Now I am the arm candy like I always wanted to be. The way I feel now goes beyond the mere cliché of arm candy though. When I dress up wearing a dress and stockings, rarely heels, I feel so nice and sexy and elegant. I enjoy the feeling that I get when I feel like I am all put together. The feeling is sort of confirmation for me that I am a female in spirit, and now also in body as well, or real close anyway.

It’s difficult to explain the way living as a female makes me feel. I have for most of my life secretly envied other females for simply being female. I wanted to be female so badly, it was just about killing me inside. In retrospect, I wonder why I didn’t act on the desire sooner. I knew it for years that I was a transsexual. Perhaps fear was the stifling factor. It seems ridiculous to me now that I somehow tried to live with such feelings, even knowing full well that they were not ever going to go away. I have the feeling that I have already covered this ground perhaps many times in the past on this blog. But a coherent description or explanation of my exact feelings eludes me. It has always been difficult for me to put into words how I feel, but I definitely think trying helps a lot.

I took way too much time away from my writing; it has become very obvious to me. I miss the dialog that I have with myself and how it helps me to understand what goes on in my life and the world around me. I will try to keep this going at the frequency that I used to blog in the beginning. It is also an incentive that my nUN01 thoroughly enjoys reading my writing. So I will try to keep on track.

The visit at vw went well, we actually got out of there earlier than planned, an extra bonus. I got to see the machines that I designed that are in the process of being installed. They look nice and clean and new. After a week of running tests they will turn all grey after being covered with a fine fog of transmission oil and dust. I was warned today that I will probably have to go to kassel again to visit vw there, where the other test machines are being installed. They want to change the design of the cable canals that are already installed. A bit late I think. They will have to pay for that one for sure. I have developed and aversion to visiting the customers in kassel. One of them did send an email with praise for me that I listen to them and I am flexible and oriented on their needs. To me customer satisfaction and their trust in my abilities are my main objectives in designing my machines.

I need to make some more jeans. I want to design some nice cropped pairs and also some flared and some with cargo pockets. I like all the skirts that I have made recently, but I also want to make a pencil skirt. I think that would make me feel extra sexy. I am sick of having to wear the control shorts that I use to bind my genitals. I only need to wear it when I wear a skirt because it flattens the area of where a bulge could show. It’s very restrictive and to look at me when I am wearing it, it looks and feels as though I don’t have any external genitalia. I tuck my oversized clit (penis) and labia (scrotum) between my legs and the testes go into little pockets above my penis. All very neat and tidy. Just like the transmen burn their breast binders after having their breasts removed, I will burn my control shorts after I have surgery. I can’t wait for that day to come, and it should come soon.

man am I in love…

crack flavoured coconut

I just cracked a coconut on the kitchen floor to harvest its meat, but not before drinking its milk. you can tell a fresh one by how much air it takes in when you open one of its eyes. alnatura has the best coconuts around. lekker. i eat a coconut a week, when I am able to find them. Nun01 showed me how to crack them. luckily the buildings are all concrete here, so smashing the coconut on the kitchen floor is very effective and only damages the coconut. this one was really hard to crack. I won though, in the end.

I guess I will die healthy, or healthier. I’m not sure. I have been drinking very little alcohol, mostly limited to a glass of red wine and rarely a beer. I drink lots of really strong coffee out of tiny cups. since the nuNo1 is idddalian, coffee has become an essential part of life. thank the dog for bialetti moka express espresso makers. its so temping to overdose on espresso cause it tastes so goooood. I have been experimenting with making soy lattes, yummy.

a couple of weeks ago I experimented with a recipe for indian style lentils. I was impressed with myself that I had all the spices required. it called for cinnamon, ground cumin, turmeric, ground extra hot red chili, cardamom, and cloves. I used beluga lentils cause they are so black and wonderful tasting. it had just the right amount of heat, but I will double up on the other spices next time. I also tried to make chipati or papadams. they were really tasty. they had lots of fresh ground black pepper and garlic. I ate the lentils over a few days for dinner and every day I got better at rolling the papadams. I enjoyed that dish very much. the papadams were the most difficult part.

I haven’t bought any meat to cook in a long time. I usually eat just veggies and/or tofu. i eat meat at lunch at work for the protein. I have eaten potatoes only twice in the past seven weeks. for breakfast I have been eating self mixed musli, consisting of; rolled kamut, rolled rice, sliced almonds, coconut slivers, and some raisins for a bit of sweetness. I eat it alternately with unsweetened and sometimes sweetened soy milk. I like to eat some toast with almond butter too, saatenbrot is the good stuff. it is full of seeds and whole grains and totally brown. I have to toast it a couple of times until it gets the right crispiness. and of course a really nice cup of lavazza espresso to go with it.

I have lost lots of weight over the past several months. I was always typically floating between 165 and 170lbs for the past two or three years. I am down to 150lbs. over the past two weeks I have been 150 and 154, depending. I have lost most of my body fat. I like how my body looks, but I know if I go any lower, I will not be well. I haven’t been trying to lose any weight, it has just sort of been going away on its own. I eat three meals a day, every day. I try really hard not to skip any meals. its amazing how many calories of sugar an average person like me ate on a daily basis. you don’t really notice it until its gone. the weight loss started when I had problems with my intestinal flora dying off. the flora is now alive and well and I try to support it as best I can. I learned that having a healthy gut also means having a strong immune system.

tonight was supposed to be a list writing night of all the things I need to take care of in the next bit of time. things seem to be piling up. I decided that I can’t have much influence on the chaos at work, but I can manage it in my private life. I am nearing finally having my paperwork to apply for surgery. I have been waiting on it for many, many months now. my therpist is still dragging his feet big time. it seems as though my evaluation is the most difficult thing he has had to compose in his career. I was promised to have the documents in hand before xmas, then january 9, then january 14, then january 28, now it seems I will get it by the end of february. one can probably guess that I am not at all happy with the situation.

since I have been back home and working again after five weeks vacation, i have become very depressed. things hadn’t been going exactly well on the relationship front either. we are working on things together and I am convinced that we will find solutions. we love each other very much and have trouble being separated from each other. thank the dog for skype video calls. and the calls are free. I seriously doubt that our realtionship would have survived this long if it weren’t for video calls. I know it helps me a lot to be able to see her, even if I am not able to touch her.

I was in a deep funk the past two weeks. I was sick with some sort of virus the week I started back at work. I missed two days that week. I was relieved to not be traveling anymore and to be back in my place for a bit. but I missed being with the aquanun. there were some issues that were eating at me, and we had a discussion when she came to visit me. we weren’t really able to solve anything at that particular moment, but at least we both had a chance to express ourselves and to get a better understanding of how we are both feeling. communication is very essential, especially when you’re dealing with krocodiles.

I have been discouraged by the fact that some very important parts of my life have been static. namely the surgery evaluation and my job. I went to a kickoff meeting for the new order from VW, and it started almost exactly as the previous one. chaotic. too many questionable issues that the guy who sold it couldn’t answer. the answers will surely be costly ones. I have a trip scheduled with fredi and thilo for next wednesday to go to VW in wolfsburg. the factory there is like a small city. everything VW. a positive point from the previous project is the cutting edge design that I engineered. the machine is in the final stages of assembly on our shop floor. I am anxious to see it run up to full speed to see if it stays together. it should. if it works, it will be the only machine of its kind, at least in any of the auto manufacturers’arsenal of testing equipment. that design again challenged my engineering skills, and I am proud of the results.

it may be because I am down that I notice more people being insensitive to me and my gender. just yesterday I was making a latte in the cafeteria and one of the sometimes friendly staff walked by and I said what the germans say at lunchtime, and she said the same thing back ending with “der herr”, which means “the man” instead of “die damen”. I get kicked sometimes when I try to be nice to others. she was undoubtedly not even paying attention to me and her autopilot decided because of my voice I was a male. I have been trying to simply avoid those persons that do not respect me. sometimes trying to be nice only gets returned with something negative.

I was in amsterdam last weekend with the crocomelious. once the storm on friday night blew over, we had a nice time together. we watched a nice movie about gay cowboys. we drank some nice rosso di montalcino, and ate bimi broccoli with pasta and a nice fennel salad. I also helped the bleeding nun wash lots of dishes for four hours and was disintegrated by the time it was over. I haven’t worked that hard in a while. it was an idddalian restaurant so I pigged out on the biscotti and coffee. we also ate some nice thai food and bought some really nice gay pink tulips. I also got some good olive oil and almond butter and probiotics too.

I am going to end this now and go to bed. rest assured that I will be posting more in the future. I have this nice black new thinkpad to do damage with. I got the one you can go swimming with. not really, but woteva. I like it. I have some writing that I did on a newer trial version of word that I will post if I can figure out a way to read them again. I have no excuses now. I am in love…deeply

i feel so

blah tonight. My throat has been bothering me for two weeks now. I thought it was gone, but it is still here. I’m sure it is the stress from work manifesting itself as illness. The blame game was started today over the vw project and how it went down the tubes. Engineering is always to blame because we actually produce something other than paper and we have a budget and schedule to try to stick to. I have been working on two projects that were always way behind schedule because both had unrealistic delivery times. Work sucks when you are always trying to get something finished that is already late. It has been almost a year since I started working constant overtime. I did have a break over Christmas that allowed me the time to regenerate and to catch a glimpse of how well I can feel. Within six weeks I had a sinus infection. I have been off and on sick for months.

When I wake in the morning my throat feels sore. My tonsils get sore and it becomes hard to swallow. I am assuming at this point that they will be removed soon. I am wondering if they could have been causing the sinus problems. I went last week to have them looked at and the doc did a throat culture to check for strep throat. The culture was negative. I read online that tonsillitis should go away on it’s own in two weeks if it isn’t from strep. I hope it goes away soon. I spoke with my boss about my sickness and told him that I have denied many times my doc’s offers to write me off sick. I told him that when everything is ordered for vw I will take a week sick and a week of free time compensation. He agreed and also told me that he and the next boss were talking about how I have been working overtime for many months and it shouldn’t be. But it is.

I am also wondering if I am seriously ill and I just don’t know it yet. I suppose I will find out. I have an appointment with my doc for this Thursday. I go for shots tomorrow. It will be a long day.

I am happy that I am in love with someone special. We comfort each other which feels nice. I hope that we can be together again soon. I hope that I will have two weeks off really soon. I would like to spend some days sleeping and sewing in between. Just to know I don’t have to think about work at all. And only think of snaring me a crocodile.

softcore westerns

I am running my life like a crazy person lately. For just about the last year I have going through cycles of where I work myself half to death and then take a too short vacation. The demands that work has put on my time and nerves is becoming too much. Sometimes I feel so low that it seems all I have is my work. That is the sad truth however. When I sit here and think about the performance on the job that I am expected to deliver, it boggles my mind. Doesn’t anyone realize how overwhelmed I am most of the time? The VW project has had five people alone from mechanical engineering working on it. I have been trying to put out the fires so that the rest can get the manufacturing documentation completed. I am never able to finish anything before I must stomp out the next flaming bag of shit.

In the end I am just a victim of poor planning. The last project that I got shit on with wasted a year and a half of time leaving me six months to complete what would normally take eight. So much was riding on that project and it was so terribly mismanaged. That has become unfortunately a common occurrence. Internal projects don’t hurt so much, whereas customer projects like Audi and VW are too important to fuck up. It bothers me that all the things on my plate don’t get fully eaten. It seems as though everyone that I work with has become so accustomed to doing more with less that we have lost sight of what a normal work environment operates like. We desperately need to hire people, both to replace those who are leaving or have left, and all the people that were laid off.

I have been trying to keep the customer happy by showing them results. The customer lost three months in their ordering process, but they refused to change their schedule to accommodate the loss of time. I was already three months behind the eight ball before the project even started. It might be slightly easier to handle if I was given a raise at my last review.

I want more time to enjoy my life. I am very frustrated. I will be going to work a bit later, after I have finished washing my clothes. It has done nothing but rain for the past several weeks, and it figures today is a nice sunny day. It is almost 20 degrees warmer than it has been within the last couple of days. I guess I will have to look out my window if I want to enjoy it at all.

There are sewing projects that I want to work on but have no energy left over to even begin them. It’s not fair that my company puts extraordinary demands on me that leave me depressed, stressed and tired most of the time. The pattern has been repeated two times so far. The first time was leading up to Xmas where I felt like a zombie ending up in Kyoto for a week long design review. The next time was when Rach came to visit in march. Both times I got sick upon stopping to go on vacation.

I wonder if the reason that I found the blonde redhead and sonic youth gigs not so good was because I was depressed. I know that depression a factor, but it leads me to see it as my losing the parts of my life that I am supposed to be able to enjoy. Most of it but not all is due to my job. The other things are frustration with my slow moving treatment and feelings of loneliness.

On a high note, I have been invited to go to a’dam for gay pride on the first weekend in August. You rock G! I am really excited about the trip. A’dam has turned into an oasis of sorts for me. I go there more or at least about as often as I go back to the states. Four hours on a train is much easier than eight hours on a plane after all. I naturally find the city so enjoyable because I am just there to hang out. The last trip was rather utopian in nature, and it opened up new worlds for me. The amount and diversity of things to do and see there are simply overwhelming. And the mindset of the people there is for the most part refreshingly open. The subculture there is thriving. That’s where I like to spend my time, underwater as it may be. I am so excited, but a little nervous too. I am curious what this coming trip has up it’s sleeve. The pride weekend in a’dam is famed for its boat parade, but most of all for the parties that ensue. I hope to be able to relax for some time while I am there too, but I’m not sure that is going to happen. I could probably take a couple of days after and stay on the coast. I could wave to my sisters on the beach on the other side of the atlantic. But that would blow my cover, and massive guilt trips would follow.

I definitely want to buy fabrics at the cyup(sp) markt this time. I should probably bring my large suitcase half full so I have a place for the booty to take home. They have fabrics all the time that are here only seasonal. They had a much larger selection and at much better prices than anyplace around germany. It’s all good.

I’m going to wash now and then drag my sorry ass to work. I am getting dangerously close to the two year mark of my blogging madness.

dissed

I got totally dissed at work yesterday. My company was hosting an open house for our customers and launched many new products over the past two days. One of the products was the machine I was the lead mechanical engineer on, and the original concept was mine. If one were to have read my posts from the last year and a half or so, you would know just how much of me that I lost fighting my way through that project. Yesterday was the german speaking day and they planned the unveiling of the machine at 4.30p. My entire former department was there, I invited myself since no one else did. The group manager that I had so many problems with in the last part of the project gave a speech about the new machine, and at the end of his drivel he thanked the team members by name. He mentioned everyone except me. That was a total diss! Some of my colleagues turned and looked at me with a questioning look on their faces. I started to get pissed so I left and went for a smoke. Helmi was trying to calm me down. He even mentioned the temp that is a total kiss ass and a terrible engineer. The costs in the end are less than the market leader’s. I would say that is an accomplishment that I share a large part of the credit for, and I wasn’t even acknowledged.

I spoke with my boss afterwards about what just happened. he told me that the gm. that just fucked me over ruined my name with upper management. He told them that I blocked all attempts to save costs in my design. He told them that I couldn’t make deadlines. He said I am not capable of managing a project on my own. He played judge and jury over one small portion of my 12 year career. I have no choice now but to leave. I am getting totally fucked, with sand mixed in. I gave up a lot of my free time to make that machine happen and to have it ready for the open house. I want badly to make an appointment with the president to present my side of the story. It won’t do any good though, so I’m not even going to bother.

I prepared and gave a presentation to VW in kassel on Wednesday. I stayed up until 12.30 the night before to put the presentation together. I had made snapshots of the machines to put on the slides before I left work. I got all of it organized and the pictures placed. It ended up being 27 slides long. I planned my hair washing f0or the day before so I could save some time that morning. I woke up looking all pasty with little bags under my eyes, blah. I got ready fairly quickly, in under an hour. I wore my favorite H&M skirt suit with a lavender blouse. I left with time to spare because I had to carry a beamer, a laptop, and the project binder. The laptop and binder weighed a ton. I was lucky I was on the platform having a smoke and a coffee before boarding because the conductor had the train leave five minutes EARLY! I’m usually the type of person that has to run to catch her trains. If I would have been a few minutes later and still on time, I would have missed that train through no fault of my own. I made the ICE in Ffm and searched for the project manager. He was sitting in the car where I had my seat reserved. I sat at a table and worked on my presentation the whole ride. It was exactly enough time. I was glad that there was a long cab ride to the facility. The facility smells like gear lube oil inside. Most of their xmissions are manufactured in kassel.

We were joined by the R&D department manager for most of the day. The presentation went fairly smoothly, and I was able to answer most of their questions. They asked for an electronic copy of the presentation, which I gladly gave them. My project manager told me beforehand that the presentation would be a stress session because the customer wasn’t convinced that one of the machines will work. I assume that their concern was expressed to the dept manager and that’s why he took part in the presentation, to make his mind up for himself. He asked a few questions and that was it. Either my PM was exaggerating or I was able to convince them that it will work. I felt good that it went so smoothly. I am getting really good at putting together presentations in short order. Pictures help a lot. People like colorful things. The pm gave me complements to my boss for my being well prepared and convincing before the customer. I was complemented one minute and kicked in the teeth the next.

I did get to see K from the UK yesterday though. He stuck his head up over the partition at my desk and said my name . I turned to see who it was and he instantly brought a smile to my face. I miss him. We worked together the first summer I spent here in DA. We went out and drank many a beer together that summer. I only get to see him every so often, so it is always a treat. He and his new bride invited me to come to the UK before I transitioned on the job. I wasn’t sure if the offer still stood, but he was one of the few who wrote me after reading the letter that I sent to all of my English speaking colleagues. He was standing by my side at the launch when I got dissed. I saw him on my way home and we chatted for about a half hour outside the canteen where apparently there was a buffet for all those who were involved with the two days of events. H came down the steps and saw me talking to K, so she came over. She told me that the asshole realized as soon as his speech was over that he had forgotten to mention my name, and that he felt embarrassed and would apologize to me today. I didn’t get an apology today. A few people told me that they told him that they didn’t think it was right that he didn’t say my name too.

It was good at leas to see K again. This was the first time he has seen me live since I made the switch. He asked me again when I was coming to visit. I told him that I had thought about coming to visit, but I wasn’t sure if the offer still stood. He told me that he wasn’t sure either, and that he wanted to see me in person again before making the offer again. At least he was honest. He commented that he found me to be more outgoing and generally happier than in the past. That made me feel good. He said the ideal time would be to come in August. I clicked with his wife when I met her in the states. We sat on the couch at her sister’s house and talked for a while. She’s cool, and he’s cool too. I definitely want to plan a trip there in August.

I bought some new sneaks online through ebay. I scored some really fly pink and white adidas gazelles. I always wanted to get a pair back in the late 80’s when I was into hip hop. Most of the white hip hoppers preferred the red or the blue ones. It took 20 years (that’s scary that I can say that) but I will finally get my gazelles. I also bought a pair of chocolate brown suede retro adidas track sneakers. I have a black suede pair of them already. Adidas is about the only producer that makes a women’s size over 41. Their 42 2/3 size fits me perfect. I only had two pairs of sneakers, with both being black and white.

I went to see my endo on Monday morning. I asked him if there was anything he could do hormonally to foster more breast growth. He suggested that I apply an estrogen gel once a day in addition to my regular shots. He told me that my estrogen level after one month on a higher dose was 274. Beforehand it was only 41. I experienced a growth spurt that was prompted by the higher dose, but it didn’t continue for very long. I am anxious to see if the gel will help also with my moodiness. My moodiness has been mostly caused by all the shit that I have been dealing with lately. I am getting so fed up with everything. I feel like fighting instead of flying these days.

maimed

I went to the Pillhuhn on Friday night to meet M&C for bier and small talk. I ended up talking to this guy that was sitting behind me while M was on the chlo. He thought he was clever in that he ‘clocked’ me, as if that is any great feat. He started off by asking me what I do for a living, when I replied with the truth he was quite surprised. I asked him if he thought I was a prostitute, he said no. I wasn’t buying it. In the course of some rude small talk aimed at getting me to do something with him, he kept mentioning that he had a wife. As if that was supposed to mean something to me. About all that means is that he is yet another closeted, married, gay or bi guy that can only justify sleeping with men if they look like women. I am not a man anymore, so I am automatically excluded. He just didn’t get it. He kept telling me the next time we see each other there, he will get me to do something with him. I will never be that drunk.

Most people notice me but leave me alone. Some others feel somehow compelled to bother me. Honest curiosity is fine, I don’t mind that. But certain people can’t make the connection with me being a MTF, born male desire to be female, and the pronouns. Mistakes are fine too. But don’t sit there and contrarily insist that I am a man, and therefore refer to me in the male. That is just insulting and I don’t know why I took that shit. I have been trying to really let go of the idea of switching genders, and living with being both or better yet, neither. The pronouns are still difficult though. A feminine flavored eunuch of sorts. I try not to waste my breath on people like that, but he caught me when I had a bit to drink. Walking the talk is difficult at times.

I think I am starting to feel the sting of the truth that Dr. F at the now defunct sexual institute once told me. I am not clever enough to link a previous post, so you’ll have to use the search this blog function for “Frankfurt Ia”. That post from almost two years ago is a foreshadowing of the events I am now living. I’m doomed to a lonely life, unless I can somehow learn to like men. Oh well, lonely is not so bad. For now I will just keep pining away for that special person, and being hopeless.

I have realized that the nurse that gave me my last injections put the double shot of estrogen down my leg nerve bundle. She must have stabbed right into it. Sometimes it burns if it goes in between my muscles, but that goes away in a matter of minutes. When I press on the injection site with my finger, I get a shooting pain down my thigh. I hope it isn’t permanent, and it heals soon.

Sonic Youth wasn’t any great shakes, unfortunately. Maybe because I haven’t bought their new cd yet. They started the set with Candle, and Lee did two songs “Joanie” and another familiar one I can’t name. Kim sang a couple too, new ones I didn’t recognize. The acoustics were good but it wasn’t loud enough. I heard other people say it too. It didn’t help that I was still not feeling totally recovered from the hangover.

I had my annual review today. I spoke with my boss for two and half hours. He used the same review that my last boss gave me last year. No raise, bummer. I have had three different bosses within the last year. I shouldn’t have signed it. If I fought it and demanded a real review, I know I can’t count on my last boss for an honest review. That would be a futile effort anyway. I hinted strongly at the fact that I have gone more than five years without a significant raise, and that expressing my career desires with even the president gets me nowhere fast., and that if things don’t change I will start looking. He told me not to give up hope and that he would give me a good review next year and a raise. I told him that’s swell and all, but I don’t think I can hold out that long. He apparently told all of this to our dept head, who said nothing to me afterwards. My boss told me he told him, and that if I am unhappy to talk to the dept head. I feel that if they are really interested in halting the staff erosion, they should be making sure I don’t want to leave. I have said all I am going to say. It’s their turn. I don’t think they get it, and I doubt they never will. It will be too late for them should I submit my resignation.

I have been a moody bitch lately. I have been seething anger. I have been trying to channel the anger into something useful, like creating sinister art nouveau designs. And trying not to kill or maim (with love)

Druck

I find myself in a quandary. My current work contract ends on June 10, and my company has given me the paperwork to sign to extend it for two years. I haven't signed anything yet. Brand A finally contacted me again yesterday. I spoke with one of my interviewers on the phone, and here's what he had to say: "We realize that you had mentioned that you would rather work in Bensheim, but we have discussed where we need you, and we have decided we want you in Graz." Punkt. I told him there was also a personal reason that I wanted to stay in germany for about another year, and then I would be willing to move to Graz. I feel as though at some point I am going to have to be open about my wish for surgery. I have invested two years in therapy and psychiatrists with the goal of eventually receiving psychological evaluations to apply for surgery. Moving to another country at this point is attractive, but if I decide to move I will have to start all over again. Well, not totally. But I would have to wait a lot longer. It could mean the difference between one year and two. There is always the Thailand option. Funny how a job turning ugly can screw up a perfectly good plan. I am wondering what they will have me work on. One of the guys who interviewed me runs the group that develops test machines for the formula 1 engines and xmissions. That is all very high speed stuff, like as in 20,000 rpm. That is a bit out of my experience range. I have designed up to 8,000 many times with success, with a part of my very first machine capable running at 15,000. Anyway, that would be an excellent opportunity for me and very exciting work. High risk work. If they make me an offer I can't refuse, I might just take it. I feel more confident that I could have a future in a company like that. I feel trapped and abused by my current job. I have been thinking about and loathing all the things that moving entails. I wan to stay put for longer than two years. I have done 3 international moves in the last four years. By the third time I was good at it. Moving to Graz would be more comparable to my move from mass to michigan. The cultures are basically the same here and there, germanic. Bier und wurst. I agreed to call the Dr back this coming week when he would be in his office to discuss further. My company would be very upset if I virtually without notice just up and left. I have to reread my contract to make sure there aren't any clauses about giving notice before the end of the contract. I have a lot to think about.

rage against the maschine

I’ve wanted to break or maim something or someone all day long. It started when finn and fredi were ridiculing magda this morning at work. I don’t think she really caught on to what they were doing, maybe she did, I just hoped it would be over quick. People can be so mean sometimes. Bad karma always comes back. A little ways into the discussion with fredi and finn, it became clear that fredi did not think about what he was doing and made a fairly large mistake. He is on vacation for the next three weeks. That means I have to correct his mistake as well as do my own ever heaping pile of work. All this fueled the fire within. Then there was the cart. The cart is what joins and guides the axle mod on the translation mod, in other words it is a fairly important part of the machine. I originally laid it out and never quite finished the design, but it did fit before he took the design over and finished it. I asked him to check his work on many occasions, but he always quietly refused. I check all my work to prevent 95% percent of my mistakes, with the remaining five percent being minor adjustments made at assembly. I did a basic optical frisk of the drawing of the cart and found it very hard to follow. I looked for the obvious and most important stuff, which he had done incorrectly. The rest I had no time to check, so I told him he was responsible for it when it doesn’t fit. The holes were off by five millimeters in some places. I was livid. The rest of the machine had gone together with minor problems that required no machining inside of a couple of days. The cart was a show stopper today. I wanted so badly to tell him that is what happens when you don’t check your work. I was very vocal at the point when he placed the cart on order, making it clear it was his responsibility. Anger, maybe even…rage? You bet. My mood was raging today, but I am tired now though. And I have hurty boobs. Thankfully, tomorrow is shot day. I don’t go looking for a fight usually when I feel this way; I have learned to control it somewhat. But, if someone brings a fight to me on one of these thankfully rare days, look out! I can go from 0 to total flip out in mere milliseconds. That’s an overstatement, but we’ll leave it at that.

thrown together

What a day. I woke up with a slight hangover and really bad heartburn. I went with Helmi to visit our doctor, who is out sick recovering from a retinal detachment. We schimpf’d about our work and drank lots of red wine and ate lots of bread and cheese. I tried not to stay so late but the time just flew by. I got six hours of sleep, which was far too little. Our weekly team meeting was to be attended by the president today, and I planned on getting to work early to set up the laptop. The pres told me last week that he knows a lot about the costs, but hasn’t seen the design yet. He asked me to present the design to him at today’s meeting. I worked on getting some pictures together last Saturday, not for me but for my pushy PM for his presentation on our project from hell. He was to give the presentation tonight at the management circle meeting.

I made it to work with time to spare to set up the laptop and put my hair up. Today is a non hair washing day. I only wash my hair every other day; otherwise it gets totally dried out. It actually feels better and more manageable on the second day but it is usually too flat to wear it down.

The PM decided to give his presentation for all of us this morning. He made good use of the pictures I made. When the meeting ended the pres invited the whole team to come to the management meeting this evening. Right before lunch I was asked if I would present the mechanical part of the PM’s presentation. I accepted with only hours to go before the meeting. I had seven slides to put language to and about two minutes for each slide. I am constantly a victim of management by surprise.

The PM had a few weeks to prepare the presentation, and I had merely a couple of hours. Seat of your pants presentations are the best. I was able to at least give my speech in English, which makes it easier even though I still get nervous. I am somewhat embarrassed by my voice, but I did it anyway. It went well, but I felt a bit off my game. I suppose it was the lack of preparation that made me most nervous. I like having enough time to think about the matter to present, at least long enough to come up with a strategy for the presentation. I hope it didn’t sound too thrown together. The PM thanked me and told me I did a good job. He shits on me constantly and the complements are hard to come by.

I felt a bit awkward about presenting the design since I am as good as gone from the group. It is only a matter of time before I start my new position in powertrain. I was told today that we won a large contract for VW for several powetrain machines. I have an appointment scheduled with the pres tomorrow to tell him I will take the powertrain gig. I wonder who they will get to fill my current position. I am just a slight bit disappointed that I am moving on before the machine is finally finished. I guess it is as good as finished anyway. I will probably work on it for a few more weeks, just long enough to get everything ordered. I can still enjoy seeing it go together over the next few months. I hope I have done everything right.

I wonder what kpo is up to. I hope she is ok. If you are reading this drop me a line.

there is hope

I met with the pres today to discuss my (possible) future with the company. It was a very positive meeting for me. He must have looked at his calendar because he was prepared for our meeting. I was there to speak with him about my time contract slowly come to an end. He had spoken with the pres at the detroit office where I used to work if they had interest in having me back. They do, but detroit is the last place I want to move back to, except maybe to be around my friends again. I had applied last week at a competitor online while I was playing hookie from work. I had to leave work for an hour or so to try to get my head back together after a technical discussion degraded into a shouting match. In the end I ultimately won because I kept my design intact. ha! I have been overwhelmed with impossible deadlines and cost targets.

Hopefully they one day see once the machine is finally built how easily and quickly it goes together why I put up such a fight. I am proud of what I have accomplished, and once it exists in steel the real reward comes. I don't care if anyone else likes it or not. I had also spoken with the team manager from the powertrain group last week if he had interest in having me work with him. He told me he did and recommended that I speak with the department manager. Apparently there was already talk about me and another modularising project, but this time without all the needless other people mixed in, and in powertrain group. Powertrain machines are much more of a technical challenge, because if it isn't designed right it will eat itself or fly apart into chunks of schrapnel. The operator views the machine through bulletproof glass if that is any indication of the potential for catastrophic failure. I spoke with the department manager on friday afternoon and he explained what they wanted me to do for them. He asked that I think about it and let the team leader know by wednesday if I wanted it.

I tried to find the team leader yesterday, but I never caught up with him. I saw him today and told him that I wanted to join his group. He responded by telling me he was glad, but they had already made their "suggestion" to the pres that I join their group. Just as well. It is nice to feel needed and appreciated for my technical expertise and experience (and my charming personality). A real plus is getting away from the depressing environment I have been in for over a year. The project managers have totally gone off the deep end. Their attitudes are de-motivational which makes it quite a challenge to simply remain self motivated enough to get the work out. I need out or I will do something I will probably live to regret.

The hope is still there. More on this later.