Oh her...she's a little sickly

I have apparently been sick for over two weeks and I didn’t even realize it. I went to the doctor yesterday to get my shot and discuss my cholesterol numbers. The cholesterol was fine but she was nervous about my white blood cell count. It was too high for some reason and I was able to respond to all of her questions with a no. Fever, sore throat, abscess somewhere? Nein. She checked my breathing and looked in all my head orifices, felt my glands, nothing obvious. It's like chrysler new yorker without the infection [KG]. She took a swab of my throat and more blood. I called this morning to get the results, bad news. The throat culture came out positive and my WBC count was higher than the last time, two weeks ago. She informed me that I have tonsillitis and that she was prescribing for me an antibiotic. Now that I have actually looked closely at how I have felt in the last two weeks, I realize that I have been experiencing symptoms. They have been very light so I didn’t really think anything of it. I have felt warmer than usual but I blamed that on the summer heat. I feel sort queasy but not totally, and I get a headrush if I stand up too fast. I have had slight headaches here and there also. My manicurist asked me almost two weeks ago if I had a fever because my hands were so warm.

I worked a full day today when I should have gone to the doctor to get the Rx and then headed home to get some rest. I feel like going to bed now. I will try to make it to work tomorrow for our video conference with the Japanese and then come home to rest. This will give me an excuse to take some much needed time off. And besides, Heinerfest is this weekend, yay! I was looking forward to the usual Heiner revelry, but I’m not sure I will be up to it being sick and all. I also have an electrolysis appointment tomorrow evening. I doubt that I will feel much like going to the opening night of the fest, but fortunately there are still four days left. I should probably get some rest.

Tor!

Tor! is German for goal, or score in soccer. The whole country has World Cup Soccer fever, including me. I have watched more soccer games in the last two weeks than I have ever watched in my life thus far. It’s infectious. I’ve learned quite a bit of new lingo since all the games are televised in German. The Swedes were my favorite until they went up against Germany yesterday and lost 2-0. Now they are out. The American team wasn’t up to the challenge and was eliminated in the first round. I predict that the final game will be between England and Germany. I watched the Germany vs. Sweden game with Mari and Christi at 603qm. After the Germans won we walked down to the city center where everyone was partying. The police shut off all the traffic in the center because of the crowds. We walked a bit with the parade of happy fans and ended up in the Krone for the rest of the night. In the end I’m not quite sure how many beers I drank, perhaps 7 or 8. I am feeling it today. We all had a very good time.

Seems I have survived yet another year on this God forsaken planet. I turned ?6 on Thursday of this week. I tried very hard to not get aggravated at work, but I made the mistake of asking the cost analyst a simple question. An hour or so later I left his presence on the verge of tears of frustration. I am almost to the point where I can’t speak with him and not get upset. Helmi pushed me to carry on and go out to dinner for my birthday and I am glad he did. We picked up Mari and Christi and headed for the Odenwald. I wanted to go somewhere that we don’t usually go to, so I chose the Indian-German restaurant “Zum Odenwald” in Groß Umstadt. They didn’t have the lamb to make my favorite, Lamb Biryani, so I went with a mixed lamb and pork with red curry dish. It was hot and delicious. Mari and Christi gave me a small heart shaped clutch in light blue with beads and sequins, very cute. Helmi gave me a bottle of gran reserve Rijoha. There was a group of regulars sitting around a big table bullshitting about football. At the end of the table was the chef from the restaurant that was right next door to where we used to live in Hering. He looked right at me a couple of times but didn’t recognize me at all. One of the other guys latched on to us and decided he was going to chat with us, about what, in the end I have no idea. It was fun though. The Indian Chef shook our hands as we were leaving and wished us a good evening. I think I will take my birthday off next year.

I have been relatively productive at my sewing projects since I wrote last. That’s part of the reason why I haven’t written in so long. I made a black top with puffy sleeves and a V-neck with a gather between the breasts. That top was an experiment in using clear elastic which I eventually learned how to handle. I am happy with the result. I also made a six-gore A-line blue denim skirt that fit a little too tight in the waist. I guess I didn’t allow enough wearing ease. Oh well, better luck next time. I started and have almost finished the Vogue military style jean jacket. I am happy with how it is coming out except for the top stitching. I need to get better at topstitching. All I have left now are the sleeves and to hem it. I tested a fading damaging process that I read about on the net, the only problem was that I wasn’t able to buy the right product here, namely Cascade dishwashing machine liquid. The closest thing that I was able to find was toilet cleaning gel with bleach which didn’t work so well. I want to try to find an old camping wash drum to use for stonewashing. I had the idea that I could buy a bunch of pumice foot stones and break them up into small jagged pieces. Using the camping wash drum would be perfect because I would surely ruin my normal washer if I stonewashed anything in it. I have many projects that I want to accomplish in the coming weeks.

I bought some bargain fabrics at Karstadt on the Saturday that I went to Camper in Ffm. At camper I bought some silver ballerina flats because they didn’t have anything that I really wanted, seems I missed the opportunities of the spring summer line. I will have to be better prepared next summer. I also bought a pair of black strappy sandals and a white pair of sneaker-like shoes. I still haven’t been able to find a good fitting and stylish pair of brown flats to go with the beige, brown and green fabrics that I have bought. Bummer.

It has been really hot here lately and I want to go swimming. My dilemma is this, I can be convincing everywhere except for the crotch area. That is a problem. I was contemplating buying some good swimsuit fabric and try to make a very tight fitting panty that I could wear under a swimsuit bottom. Something to conceal the parts that don’t match the rest. I can’t imagine not going swimming for the next two years or until I go through with the operation. There isn’t much feeling left down there anyway, so I don’t think a constricting panty would do any harm. I am feeling so much better about my body and I don’t want to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with how I look anymore. I fear putting on a bathing suit and showing up at the beach. I used to have a lot more fears about being out in public, but now I feel very comfy in most situations, even when I see people that had first seen me as a man. I have also been seeing more of Mari’s circle of friends for the first time as Christine.

I have gained a lot of confidence in myself as of recently. I am glad that I now have the option to wear very light clothing which includes lots of skirts. My legs are white as the driven snow but I don’t care, comfort in this heat is all that matters. It makes me feel good when I am wearing an outfit that I made myself. As I make more things that feeling will come more often. I am thankful to have the patience and the skills to create my own designs.

I am also thankful that Kpo and I are getting along again, I missed her terribly. I hope it continues, and I am thankful for her support.

Ellie at work the other day asked me how I would react if a guy came on to me when I was out. I got a little frustrated because I am still not sure if I like women more than men or vice versa. I realize this is an issue that I will have to deal with eventually, but I am still not quite sure of what I really want. I become very lonely sometimes and wish I had a companion to share some of my time with. For a while I would sleep all the time as a means of running from the loneliness, but I wasn’t getting anything accomplished and all the extra rest didn’t really help either. I am glad that I have started sewing again instead of sleeping all the time. I get a real sense of accomplishment when I make something for myself and it fits well.

I need to finally write the letter to my American colleagues and mail the letter to my extended family. I also need to finish changing my name with many accounts and services. I need to get past this beginning phase of explanations and name changes so that I can finally enjoy life without having to look back or explain so often anymore. I need to find the ambition to bring this chapter to a close and move on. I have absolutely no more doubts that I have made the correct decision and therefore I am resolute as I go further. I am so fortunate now that everyone who is important to me has accepted me for who I feel myself to be. There are still others that I need to tell and that will happen fairly soon. I am really enjoying my new life as a female, and I am starting to feel “normal”. Since I have come out the only thing that tends to upset me now is my job. All the times in the past when I was filled with deep self doubt seem so distant now, although it was only a few short months ago that I felt that way. I am so happy that I finally decided to take the plunge and make the switch. I feel going back to being a man is not really an option anymore, and so be it.

Shoe Tick

I am incredibly bored at the moment.  I should be making some more clothes, but my energy level is low tonight and I only feel like going out for a beer.  I assume the world cup game for tonight is over since all the fussball enthusiasts are driving around town feverishly beeping their horns.  It’s a shame I’m not into soccer.  Such a shame.

Yet another week has gone by and I still don’t have an appointment with my psychiatrist.  It will probably end up being the third quarter before I end up seeing him again.  I got my new German social security card today in the mail with my name changed and a female number to boot.  Seems with the German SSN you can tell whether the person is male of female by the last three digits.  If it’s under 500 then you’re male, over 500 then you are female.  One less piece of documentation with that guy’s name on it.  I am so lazy, I still need to change so many other things like phone, electric, investments, car sharing,…

I also need to finish writing the letter or clarification of my gender transition to my colleagues in Detroit.  I’m so slack.  I feel like going to bed.  Now.  I should call Mari and see what they’re up to tonight.  She wasn’t at work today.  I went to therapy the other day in Ffm and then went shoe shopping afterwards on the Zeil.  It’s always the same story they never have the really cute shoes in my size.  Buffalo had some really hot shoes but most of theirs only go up to a size 41.  I did manage to find out that Escape Futura carries Repetto shoes, but alas they only go up to 41 as well, and they are totally expensive.  Thank God they don’t fit.  I bought nothing in the way of shoes, but I did pick up a Vogue jacket pattern #7764 and some buttons for it at Waechterhaeuser.  I bought a size 18 so I hope it isn’t too big, but I expect that it may just be.

That same night I ordered two pairs of ballerina flats, one in black and the other silver.  I ordered them online from La Redoute.  Unfunny thing about the French, they tend to take their sweet ass time with everything.  During the ordering process online it said that the shoes were immediately deliverable, but in the order confirmation email it said the average delivery time was three weeks.  That is so typically French.  I guess my enjoyment with the French ways is limited to when I am enjoying a meal with wine in a nice little Parisian restaurant and not being pushed out the door or rushed through the courses.  When it comes to my French shoes I am an instant gratification type of chick.  My only hope is that they fit.

I am planning on going to Ffm tomorrow during the day to do some more shoe shopping.  I saw a pair of black mary janes by camper at Escape Futura, but of course they didn’t have my size.  Camper will be my first stop, and then on to Görtz 17 to pick up the shoes I tried on the other day but couldn’t decide if they were right.  I also figured out exactly which Buffalos are available in a size 42.  Brown moccasins.  I have plenty of black shoes but no comfortable brown shoes.  If you haven’t been able to tell, I have a slight shoe obsession.

Trouble is, I don’t really have much of a wardrobe yet.  I am still to be considered a rookie at this being-a-chick-full-time bit.  I don’t quite have the level of flexibility with dressing that I would like.  I get jealous sometimes of other women, but in reality they have been living as women all their lives and therefore have stuff and lots of it.  I still have some bags of my old men’s clothes next to my bed that I need to donate.  At first I was a little hesitant to get rid of them, probably because they represented the option of cutting and running if this didn’t work out.  But it has, rather wonderfully I might add, so I can get rid of them when I have the energy and without worry.  One less reminder of how things used to be.  Unacceptable.  I am learning which brands are quality and which aren’t.  I need more bras.  I only have three and they are all from H&M.

I ordered some clinique lipstick and lip liner from an American online shop which I received yesterday.  Although clinique is also sold here, seems they don’t offer the particular shade that is my shade here in Germany at all.  I find that a bit mind boggling, but what do I know about the price of fish?  I went through a big hassle with the payment method, but in the end it worked out.  I estimate I have enough for about nine months.  I stocked up.  In the meantime I theoretically will make a trip back to the states at which point I will buy some more.  With my luck they will discontinue the color.

Helmut just called me to tell me he is on his way.  We are going to drink a beer.  Eins ist gar keins!  (one is totally nothing, it rhymes in German, trust me)  My apartment is a bloody mess.  Oh well…

BTW I posted a new pic on my other blog yesterday.  I was looking at pics from a year ago, scary business.  I look and feel so much better now.

Macht und Energie (and satin)

I have the urge to write tonight. Seems I have die arsch in die hose schon wieder (ass in the pants again) or skirt as the case may be. I stood up for myself today at work and told the cost analyst what I am willing to accept and what I am not. He didn’t like it very much, but I stuck to my guns. He is one of those fatherly Jesus freak types that is way too happy and knows a little about everything and doesn’t mind telling you about it. I feel like one of his children when he speaks with me. Like he is all knowing and I am an idiot and I should listen to him if hope to be successful. I stayed totally cool throughout our discussion. He constantly tries to beat around the bush with his infinite wisdom as if he is teaching me something. I put my energy into displaying the advantages of my solution and not into explaining why his solution will not work. I am not about winning or losing, but rather about putting my energy into something that is known to work but needs to be optimized. We have no time to piddle with uncertainties at this point.

It is interesting to me the reaction to the word cunt and my pride in my new personalized belt that I have received. An anonymous comment was posted to my blog for that post. The “C” word as I had always known it, has taken on a new meaning to me as of recent times. It was always known as a very offensive word to me and should never be used in reference to a woman, especially one that you call your girlfriend or the like. Saying that would certainly mean the end of everything and possibly your life. Bitch was bad enough, so I learned in my ill fated attempt at being a man. My impression of the word was somewhat softened by the Englanders who use it as a term of endearment. The last step in softening my feeling toward the word cunt came in the form of an article in a Vogue magazine that I read in the last couple of months. I think it was a British Vogue, since it was in English and an article such as that would never be published in the states. The article told of a famous and somewhat elder actress who gave a younger actress a necklace with the word cunt spelled out in rubies as a token of her endearment for the younger. The author of the article also had a similar feeling toward the word as I had and through some peer counseling, got over her fear. I found the article both interesting, while I could definitely relate, and amusing at the same time.

That comment “No REAL Women would be PROUD to be called "CUNT"” (nice grammar, dumb ass) leads me to another theme that I discussed at the monthly TS night out in Neu Isenburg last Saturday night. We were talking about how some psychiatrists that are asked to write evaluations that serve as approvals for name change, surgery, etc. often base a large part of their viability judgments on physical appearances. We eventually landed on the subject of how some of us TS’ tend to believe that after surgery they are no longer TS and are 100% woman. In my opinion that is not a healthy belief as it opens one up for disappointment. I fully acknowledge the reality of my situation being a transsexual woman. I can never be a “real” woman, I can only hope to get real close and that is totally okay with me. Being a reasonable facsimile of a woman to me is more acceptable than to continue with my lame attempt at being a real man. Being a man is easy in that it doesn’t require much effort or thought, just testosterone and a penis. Being a woman is a bit more complicated (at least for me it is) and rightfully so. I like being me even if it means that everyone everywhere that I meet will always be able to tell that I was once a man. Sure it’s difficult at times, but in the end I am happy and comfortable with myself and that is all that really matters. Thanks for the tip Anonymous.

I was reasonably prolific this past (long) weekend. On Sunday I managed to go through a new fitting of the basic skirt pattern. Three adjustments later I had a more or less perfect fit. I also managed to finally vacuum all the pollen dust out of my apartment with my new dirt devil. On Monday (a German holiday) I designed a pencil skirt with a box pleat in the back which I in turn made out of black stretch denim and trimmed it with black cotton bias double fold tape. I put an invisible zipper in the side seam which can be grave because there is no adjustment possible if the waist or hips don’t fit quite right, without ripping the zipper out of course. I wasn’t quite happy with the hips but the waist fit perfect. I washed it and air dried it overnight and threw it in the dryer this morning and after ironing it fit correctly and had the right amount of ease. I also managed to cut apart a black T-shirt with my former company’s logo on it and turn it into a women’s model as kind of a joke. I sewed the re-designed T-shirt completely on my normal machine instead of the serger, something I am very proud of. I actually had better control over stretch and the garment came out better because of it. I felt extra cute today because I made both pieces of my outfit myself. I wore black tights and my adidas sneaks with my worn pink cardigan and the top and skirt. Turning out a wearable outfit in one day made me feel like I had really accomplished something. I have needed that groove back for some time now. More to come.

I have also resurrected my affinity for satin as of late. It began with the light blue baby blanket that I was swaddled in shortly after my birth. I still have it somewhere. The blanket was trimmed with satin. There is only a small scrap of the satin left on it because I for some strange reason love the feel of rubbing satin between my fingertips. There is something comforting about the feel of it for me, and the colder the better. Wearing satin on my body doesn’t do much for me, except the fact that I am able to touch the satin. It feels so smooth and nice. I don’t find it erotic in any way, just oddly comforting. I had bought some satin scünci hair elastics some time ago and one has been finding its way into my left hand quite often. I know its weird, but I can’t explain it. The originals that I bought were black and have the best feel. I bought some new ones in pink and light blue, but the fabric is inferior quality to the black ones. I suppose there are much worse obsessions to have. Someone I know used to find it rather disturbing, but I like it just the same.

Part of my drive this weekend was my dancehall reggae tapes from ten years ago. I am surprised they still work, must be metal tapes. The likes of Buju Banton, Gregory Isaacs, Beres Hammond, Snagga Tooth, Shaggy, Beany Man, and others I can’t remember stirred my memory back to a simpler time in my life. It was a time when I used to venture into a dangerous part of Boston, Dorchester, to get the scoop on parties and Selecta battles at Miss Kay’s beauty salon. Her salon was right next door to the Caribbean Cultural Club, a.k.a. three C’s. I was usually the only white face in those places, but luckily nobody gave me any trouble. I think that people must have thought that I was either very stupid or was someone to watch out for, or simply accepted me, so I was left alone. I had the mix tapes made for me at a record store in D back in ’95. All that led to my meeting Yollie and the hell she put me through and I likewise her too.

pain in the neck

I just returned home from yet another two hour electrolysis session. It was unbelievably painful for every second she worked on me. This time and the last time were both almost unbearable. I have to find a better pain management method because Emla cream and ibuprofen aren’t cutting it anymore. I am almost ready to say screw it and just have to shave every day. That seems pretty attractive at the moment. I don’t think I can take it anymore. I have a theory as to why the pain seems suddenly so unbearable. I theorize it has something to do with me not having smoked in a little over a month. That’s about the time frame when the pain became worse. Maybe the smoking helped raise my pain threshold, and now that I am not smoking anymore, my threshold is lower. That sucks. My neck and throat look and feel like fresh ground round. My next session is in two weeks, so I need to come up with something fast.

But for now I think I will just wash my wounds and go to bed…