Homophobia

I found this post on someone else's blog, with the caption "if you believe homophobia is wrong, then re-post this". So here it is. Some of these really hit home with me.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Frankfurt VII

I am now part of the three-step Clinique skin care club.  I have been experiencing some really bad oiliness problems on my forehead and nose, or the T zone as it is also known.  All the stress that I have been under lately hasn’t helped either.  Now that the pressure is gone at work, hopefully all the acne will also go away.  I noticed that after last month’s melee at work, my face cleared up right after.  Another factor is that my progesterone level is at its end, as I go for another double whammy on Tuesday.  At any rate, I bought some really expensive soap and tonic and lotion.  I tried it this morning after getting up.  I will have to try it for a few more days to be able to judge whether or not it agrees with my skin.  Not much does.  I also bought an exfoliating soap and pore refining serum.  I hope it all helps and doesn’t hurt my skin.

I had fun shopping with Linda and Chloe in Ffm.  I returned my boots to Camper, and the salesperson that performed the transaction, a young woman, had a very deep voice and more of a masculine demeanor.  I’m pretty sure she is a GG (trans code for genetic girl), but to look at her appearance and then hear her speak, the two don’t match.  I bet she gets the Herr thing on the phone.  Funny thing that gender is.  I am realizing more and more the degrees of gender variance that occur otherwise naturally.  I have a heightened sense of awareness of the situation and people around me, as my personal safety depends on it.  I am able to observe calmly and casually my surroundings, without looking paranoid.  I enjoy people watching anyway, it’s kind of like eye candy for me.  I went to Ffm presenting in female mode and felt very comfortable.  I wore Levi’s hip hugger boot cut jeans with a black bateau neck sweater, my pointy toed purple shoes, and a black white and gray scarf.  I took the train to NI where Linda picked me up.

We waited outside the parking garage for Chloe.  While we were waiting, I was people watching to make sure I didn’t look too ridiculous.  I noticed a couple walking by, the woman put her hand over mouth as if to whisper to her man, don’t look now but there’s a tranny.  He then started to look around for me; I was staring at them the whole time.  I wanted to wink at them, but making eye contact with them was enough to let them know I saw what she was up to.  Most people don’t notice that I am trans unless they get a really good look at me, others just don’t see anything.  Case in point, her man wouldn’t have noticed me had she not said anything. Bitch.

I felt totally comfortable schlepping around the Zeil shopping.  We went to Karstadt so I could look at winter coats, but by then Linda was getting tired.  She waited for me while I went to look at the coats.  I found a nice long, mid thigh, coat with a hood.  I wanted a coat that had somewhat of a curvy shape to it, and I found it.  It was only eighty-nine euro.  Heike had estimated that I was probably a size 42 in European women’s sizes.  She was right, as the coat that fit the best was a size 42.  I also bought a smooth cup bra in 85A that doesn’t quite fit just yet.  I would be happy when I am able to fill it.  It’ll just have to live in my drawer until such time it fits.

I have been feeling really good lately despite all the stress at work.  I feel my physical progress is really moving in the right direction.  Imagine having the body you always wished you had.  I am getting there, albeit slowly, but I am getting there nevertheless.  Subsequently, my fears and doubts are diminished.  I have reached sort of a turning point in my transition.  I feel now that this can and will work out favorably, and that I have reached the point of no return.  I feel clear of purpose and that the confirmation to myself is there.  Every day that I live more in the female role subtracts from the days spent as man.  I am becoming more opposed to wearing men’s clothes and certainly don’t want to invest in any more of it.  I spoke with Petra and she suggested that I try to make due until I start to live full time, as I will end up getting rid of it all anyway.  She’s right, but I do need a couple of shirts for work, because the shirts I have for winter aren’t enough to get me through.

I want to state it clearly that I am determined to follow through with my transition until the end, or rather beginning of my life as I truly feel it should have been all along.  This feeling reduces my patience with the amount of time transition requires.  I must find patience to get through the next few months of work as Christopher.  I need to make it through till at least springtime.  By then I will have had my hair transplants, tracheal shave, a year of hormones behind me, my name changed, facial hair removed, and my voice in shape.  My facial skin has become more translucent and has a certain glow to it.  I actually have cheekbones that are surfacing.

When I go to the Ausländeramt to get a new work permit, I will ask how long it takes and what the steps are to change my name with them and how long it takes.  I am thinking that I may want to change my name over Christmas.  I am thinking that I will have to apply for a new US passport when I get back here, and that will probably take a couple of months.  Then I will have to re-apply or transfer my visa because of the new passport, which will undoubtedly take another two months.  By then I will likely be at the point when I will come out at work.  I just need to find out whether or not my company will be informed of the application process while it is happening.  Probably at least for the work permit part of it they will be involved.  I wonder how much time I have to change my documentation with the Germans once I have changed it in the states.  I will have to do some more research to develop a better plan.  I wish I could ask the questions anonymously, as to not take the chance of pre-judgment occurring.  I may be just paranoid, but I am not sure I can trust the immigration people to keep a secret.  It’s too easy for them to call my personnel department and say something.

On the other hand, I was debating whether or not to inform my personnel department before actually making the break at work.  I was thinking that it might make sense to give them some notice to become prepared for that day.  They may need to do some research or training or whatever.  Or I can give them enough time to find a way to fire me.  It could go both ways.  I however do not feel it wise to just show up one day and say to them, tomorrow I will come to work as Christine instead of Christopher.  They will have no reaction time and therefore maybe put hem into panic mode.  Bad things tend to happen when people are panicked.  I have to time it just right.  I should probably start thinking about informing my extended family.  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it in person, but rather by email or letter.  I spoke with Ann the other day and we came upon the topic of when to tell her children.  I told her to hold off until spring.  I am feeling like there won’t be much Christopher over the holidays.  The guise is getting thinner, and therefore easier to see through.  That façade that I built up over so long is now eroding at an ever increasingly rapid pace.  I am glad of it.  I am getting closer to the time when I can finally move on and put this all behind me.

November promises to be a very busy transition month.  I have a hair removal treatment planned, two therapy sessions, and of course my shots.  Petra recommended that I go to my health insurance office and ask about a Gutachter, or a psychiatrist that confirms my gender dysphoria and gives legal opinion to that effect.  She suggested that I go in female mode and ask them if they have anyone they can recommend that speaks English.  Once I have approval from the Gutachter, the health insurance will pay for other procedures in addition to the hormones.  I will have to think about this.  I was contemplating going to my doctor for my shots in female mode sometime, and I guess I could go to the health insurance office right after.  I might do it Tuesday, as I have the guys coming to put new wallpaper up and fix a hole in the wall.  I took the whole day off.

Things are bound to get a whole lot more complicated in the next few months.  We’ll see if I can keep it together and manage it all effectively.  Wish me luck.  I am very thankful that everything so far has worked out positively, and for all the people that support me through this.

Small Temple, a Shrine

What a hectic week.  I am glad that it is over.  Monday morning started with me going to city centre to drop off my slacks (I hate that word) at the dry cleaners and also picked up a bouquet of flowers for Helmi’s birthday.  I set out everything on Helmi’s desk, as he wasn’t there yet.  There were the flowers, a bottle of cognac, a card, and an apple pie.  I ate a pie for breakfast to make sure they were OK, but I think a little more cinnamon is in order next time.  I also gave two pies to Mari, one to Johannes, and one to Elvira, our department secretary.  Everyone seemed to like it, albeit a bit different from German pastries.  Pie as Americans or the British know it, is not a normal German thing.  I worked on my presentation a little more on Monday at work to try to bring it to completion.  I was 90 percent there by the end of the day.  I tweaked it a bit more at home on Monday night and went to bed relatively early.  

Tuesday I had a short meeting with my fellow presenters, Jürgen and Christian, to go over our presentations.  I stuck to more of a simplistic overview, given that I only had 45 minutes to deliver.  Jürgen had something like 49 slides for the same amount of time.  His seemed to be a bit too busy for someone to follow well enough to understand it.  We usually burn all the presentations on CDs and distribute them to the participants, so the Japanese can review them later and gain a better understanding.  After meeting with them, I decided I should add a couple of slides showing our project flow map to tie our engineering process into it.  I spoke with my chef, Jens, at home to ask him to go over my presentation as he has access to our network there.  I had to run home real quick to be there to receive my new Camper boots.  I tried them on and decided to wear them.  I later went to get a birthday card for Mari at Karstadt.  I found one that was a take on Gustav Klimt’s “kiss” with two kitties instead of humans.  She likes art nouveau and kitties, so I felt it to be perfect.  I went back to work and finished the day trying to fine tune my presentation.  I went to bed fairly early again on Tuesday night.

Wednesday I had to pick up some flowers for Mari in the city centre for her Birthday.  They put together a nice arrangement with the base color orange.  It worked out well because She also likes orange.  I got to work and set the flowers up in a vase and gave them to her with a hug and kiss on the cheek.  I finished my presentation by early afternoon, deciding that anything more would be too much.  I received an email from Jens telling me that he went through it and felt it was well done and he had no changes.  After all, he was supposed to author our process, but had done nothing.  For the rest of day I worked on a really heavy duty machine concept for Tongi University in China.  I had promised to work this analysis into this week with the goal of having a go, no-go answer for our department leader by Thursday night.  He was in China visiting customers and was to visit with the Tongi people on Friday.  I was hoping to get some better information from the motor manufacturer to enable me to have more security with my feasibility answer.  The information never came.  This is what is called “seat of your pants engineering”.  If we get the order, I hope my assumptions were correct that I used to come to my conclusion, if not, I am fucked.  I went through my presentation with Mari, Helmut, and Norbert in the conference room.  It ran 20 minutes and they all had some constructive critiques for me.  Mari suggested that I try to breathe more life into it, as it was mostly text and is fairly dry subject matter.  They also suggested that I add some drawings to spice it up a bit.  I left work with only minutes to spare to pick up my pants at the dry cleaners.  I went home, had some dinner and ironed my shirt in preparation for the next day.  Went to bed early again.

I got ready for the day and got to work at about 8:15, with just enough time to drop my shit and get to the conference room.  Uwe was there and told me that I didn’t have to be there for the whole day if I didn’t want to.  So, I decided to go back to my office and add the drawings to my presentation.  I ate lunch in the cafeteria real quick like and got prepared to do battle.  I always get nervous; call it stage fright, when I am to give a presentation.  The meet and greet part of the process is always fun.  It is traditional Asian business etiquette to give and receive business cards with both hands and to study the card, not just throw it in your pocket, and never put them in your back pocket.  That basically means you want them to kiss your ass and that you could care less about them and who they are.  The exchange is difficult because you sort of need an extra hand.

This group of Japanese men was specialized in project management and operations.  They were sent here to review our processes.  One of them was repeating my name out loud and then told me that my last name sounds phonetically like “small temple” or “shrine” in Japanese.  He wrote out the Chinese characters for me and gave it to me.  That set me totally at ease with the situation.  I delivered my presentation without pause, and with my nerves at ease, I was able to put more feeling into it.  I liked being able to do that.  I estimate that I spoke for 30 minutes and then answered questions for another 30.  It was a good exchange and I felt that I had done a good job.  We finished our session and made plans to meet later for dinner.  I went back to my office and wrote the email to the department manager regarding the concept I had been working on for him.  I gave him a positive answer, but with a few cover your ass statements.  Jürgen came to get me and we left to go to dinner.

I ended up sitting right next to the group leader of the Japanese guys.  He had lived also in Germany for many years, but was now living back in Japan.  He spoke very good German and also English very well.  He was curious about me and my history with the company.  I went outside with him for a smoke and had some more philosophical discussions.  He asked me what my opinion of them buying us, and whether or not I had thought about Japan.  Uh-oh, I’m not sure if he was asking if had thought about moving there, or just about my opinion of the Japanese.  I expressed an interest in the possibilities of moving around within the company, as they also produce analysis equipment for blood, environmental, chemical and pharmaceutical. I told him that eventually I would like to get into some sort of research oriented work.  I felt that I bonded with him on both a personal level and also professionally.

I’m not sure whether or not these guys are looking to find people for them, as they are all mostly slightly higher level managers either here in Germany, or in Japan.  I am hoping that I will be discovered and relieved of the shitty job I have now and be moved to a management level position somewhere else.  Thursday’s experience gave me a better perspective of the Japanese, that they can be friendly, and therefore a more optimistic outlook on the future.  The first group I had presented to was not so friendly, and now that I have had a contrasting situation, I can better understand why the first was so difficult.  The first meeting was difficult because there was a lot of pride and some ego involved.  We had presented our design which had competed against theirs before they bought us out.  We are no longer allowed to sell that particular product, until such time that it meets their criteria.  We are allowed to continue our development, under close supervision.  I still have work for a while apparently.  I am currently working on a project for Audi and the development of the next generation machine at the same time.

After finishing our dinner together, they all went back to their hotel.  Jürgen brought me back to work to get my bike.  I called Mani to find out whether he was still at the Ratskeller.  He had just left, but wanted to have a beer with me, so I told him I would meet him there in ten minutes.  We closed the place after having about four beers each.  We mostly talked about our experiences with moving overseas.  He had moved to the states at the same time I was moving to German.  He mentioned something that I had not thought about.  My work permit states my company name which hasn’t really existed anymore for about a month now.  I will probably have to re-apply with the new company name.  At which point I can probably ask about how to go about changing my name in my German documentation.  I got home a little after one in the morning and went to bed, drunk.

I got up yesterday with a relatively light hangover, but a hangover nonetheless.  I went to work and Heike was there.  We chatted quite a bit about the events of the past few weeks at work and also some personal stuff.  I mentioned about the name change thing, and she mentioned something that I had read somewhere.  The German authority has a lot of restrictions on birth names and hyphenated last names.  They usually push for people to have blatantly male or female names.  They also have tendency to assign Herr (Mr.) and Frau (Ms.) to people according to the first name’s gender, even if the gender marker doesn’t match.  So, theoretically if I change my name to Christine Joan without changing the gender marker, I will be addressed as Frau blah-blah.  Cool!  I showed her the pictures that Petra had taken last weekend at Linda’s.  I went home feeling very tired, the combination of the hangover and all the stress had taken its toll on me.

Linda called and we chatted for a few minutes.  She suggested I take nice hot bath, which I did.  I had bought a bath bomb at Lush last year, but never used it.  I broke it out last night.  Once you drop it in the water, it fizzes like an alka-seltzer and releases all kinds of good stuff into the bath water.  It was very soothing, if a little too hot.  My forehead was sweating when I got out of the tub.  I felt so relaxed and was ready to go to bed.  So I did.

I will take the train later to meet Linda in NI to go to Ffm to return my boots and buy some Bembles for Sandi back in the states.  Linda tried to convince me to wear makeup today and therefore go totally feminine into Ffm.  I am still undecided.  We will meet Chloe there.  On the one hand, when I am not wearing makeup, I feel more comfortable because there isn’t the pressure to pass.  But it is also easier to shop for feminine things while wearing makeup and looking more female.  I look very gender neutral when not wearing makeup, not displaying so many clues.  I know why she is encouraging me, I need to build my confidence in public.  I would definitely feel more confident if I had better clothes, which I need to either make or buy.  I want to look for a casual winter jacket today.  I should probably start to get ready to go.  The urban beautification process takes a bit of time. I think I will wear makeup and put my hair into a bun.  Wish me luck.  I’ll give report tomorrow.  Ciao!

you smell like pie

I am fairly happy with myself today. I managed to get most of what I planned for the day finished. I got up around ten feeling motivated. I was determined to do things in an orderly fashion today. I’m trying to rein in the scatter-brain tendency that I have been experiencing lately. I tried to multi task, making breakfast and filling the tub at the same time. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a start. Given that the water in the tub will remain hot for quite a while, I could comfortably eat breakfast and roll some ciggys. By the time I was done the water would be just right.

It was still a little too hot, but a little cold did the trick. I look forward to Sundays because Sunday is urban beautification day. I shave and then soak in the hot water for a bit, very relaxing. I love extremely hot showers and baths. Sometimes I feel like I could stay in it all day. With that completed, I got dressed and rode through the Herrengarten to Mari and Christi’s to take care of Lolo and Morris. I put out some food for the cats and then played a bit with Lolo at least; Morris wouldn’t come out of the bedroom. I cleaned the table in the kitchen for them and figured out that they did the same thing I would sometimes do; they made a thermos full of coffee and forgot it on the table. They probably got to Fulda or something before they realized. No coffee. What a drag.

I rode back home and decided that I was not going to be lazy and bake the pies like I had wanted to. I bought a couple of small round baking pans yesterday for making mini apple pies. They don’t sell American or British style pie pans here, so I made them in one of those pans that have a release latch on the side. They worked out great actually. I could only cook two at a time, so it took a few hours. I made six pies total. I haven’t tried one yet, but I suppose I should to make sure it doesn’t taste like shit. Tomorrow we will celebrate Helmi’s birthday since he will be back from vacation. Marion passed around a card and I bought a bottle of cognac. I will also pick up some flowers at Luisen Center on my way to work. I hope he had a nice week off. I hope he likes the pie that I made for him. I hope I like the pie I made for him.

I managed to get up enough gusto to work on my presentation that I will give on Thursday. I had written out a rough outline at work on Friday that served as my inspiration. I fleshed out some of the initial points and through that developed a strategy for the rest. I have an hour to fill which to me now seems a bit much, considering the information that I have to convey. I’m also not sure if the people I will be presenting to will have a lot of questions. The last group did. I am glad I pushed myself to work on it today, when I could relax on the couch with good music and a cup of mint tee. I wish I could work at home some days, and get paid for it. I have been feeling somewhat put-off by the Japanese lately and therefore reluctant to be around them any more than I have to.

I should also drop off my suit pants and shirt at the dry cleaners tomorrow morning before work. I don’t know how long dry cleaning usually takes here. I would hope the same as in the states, 24 hours. They smell like second hand store musty leather. I made the mistake of keeping a second hand leather coat in the same closet as a bunch of woolens. I threw the coat out a month ago. Joy joy. I have to wear a necktie again and those uncomfortable shoes. It all seems absurd at this point.

I almost forgot to mention that I called the US embassy in Ffm this week. I asked how I should go about a name change relative to my travel documents. The nice man told me that I could go to court somewhere back in the states and file a legal name change and then fly back to Germany with my old passport as ID. I would then have to apply for a new passport with picture, once back in country. I will also at that point inform the German authority, and consequently my personnel department. I got a little excited and started thinking of doing the name change over the Xmas holiday. After coming to my senses I realized that I should do that sometime in the spring.

I tried calling Ma today but no one was home. I was also hoping to hear from sweet trini by now, but she is probably too busy at the moment to write. I hope her bathroom is finished soon. My new Camper boots should be showing up in the next couple of days hopefully. Yay! New shoes! All I need now are some cropped pants and a jacket. My bed is calling me though…or is it that pile of laundry waiting to be folded and put away?

Hai!

Please ignore my last post as I was slightly bitchy at that particular moment apparently.  I’m not sure why all that pent up resentment came out all at once.  It didn’t even take much time to write it either.  I wrote it right before I went to meet Steve from our Detroit office for dinner and a couple of beers at the Grohe.  We went back to my place after and had another couple more beers.  He left around one–ish.  I suppose I should mention that Tuesday I was in my team meeting and saw Steve walking in the hall looking at the office placards on the walls.  I assumed he was looking for me, so I knocked on the window to get his attention.  Seeing him was totally unexpected.  I talked with him a bit and offered to show him around and gave him the digits.  Anyway, Steve was to be in town till today, Saturday.

Tuesday night I cleaned my apartment and went to bed early.  As written above, Wednesday night after work I went to the Grohe. During the day on Thursday, I was asked to give another presentation for the Japanese on the following Thursday.  I agreed since my boss is on vacation for the next two weeks.  Thursday night I went to bed at eight-thirty as I was still recovering from the night before.

Friday morning my boss mentioned that the project management manager had spoken with him about the next presentation.  I was looking through our quality system on the intranet and only was able to find my boss is the owner of our mechanical design process, but there was no content.  Nothing.  I basically have to outline our design process as I see it, hopefully correctly according to our non-existent design manual.  We do have a “design manual” but it is more of a Logo placement on the machine guide.  I am not sure how we were able to get through our ISO quality audits without it.  What I have planned to do is to re-iterate the process from the Detroit office, because in theory it is the same.  There are small nuances that are different, but it is close enough.  I should ask if there are any presentations that I can borrow from Detroit.  I should have asked on Friday.

Heike was at work on Friday again.  It is always nice to see her.  We had our usual Friday morning runde, this time scrutinizing a brief report that the Japanese had written.  The report was almost all negative.  The Japanese spent four days testing the product that I am currently re-designing.  The report was extremely biased toward their superior design that our machine was compared to.  They performed their standard EPA runoff and quality checks, which included more than the results that he covered in his report.  He even wrote statements like, “Cause: lack of understanding of EPA standard”.  Basically saying we are idiots.  This arrogance is sickening.

The EPA standard for vehicle emissions testing and measurement is written such that it is open to interpretation.  For example, it has a statement regarding the roller surface roughness that goes something like this: The roller surface shall have a roughness that simulates clean, dry pavement.  This doesn’t help a bit to define what the surface texture should be in absolute terms like micrometers.  This lack of definition has inspired everyone to decide for themselves what simulates clean dry pavement.  Apparently the Japanese chose the correct roller surface and we are idiots.  My point is, the Japanese are really starting to get under my skin.  They want to meet in Japan in early November to discuss the testing results, and I assume what they expect to be done in the future.  Or maybe even say that our group is through and better luck next time.  I don’t know.  I hope I don’t have to go to Japan.  Their culture makes me sick.  All that blind deference and patriarchal bullshit.  They must view it as honorable to act like assholes.  I guess it’s no different than the Muslim countries, relative to the patriarchal aspect.  It makes me glad that western society has moved past that set of sorry ideals.  Women in Japan are allowed to be educated at least, but are expected after getting a job to marry a co-worker and quickly become pregnant and then become a housewife.  I’m not even sure where I was going with all this…

I really need to plan better and stop being so lazy.  Time management was never one of my strong points.  I think I could accomplish more if had better time management skills.  I am always trying to accomplish too much with too little time.  Like today for example; I called Linda at eleven in the morning after loafing around for an hour and a half to tell her what time I would be there.  I had a list of errands a mile long to run before going to Linda’s.  Here’s the breakdown:

Shower + shave
Walk two blocks to get car sharing car
Drive car back to apartment and park it
Drive work rental back to work
Ride bike to building 83
Retrieve notes I wrote for Mechanical Design Process Presentation
Ride bike back to apartment
Drive to Mari & Christi’s to feed and play with cats, Lolo and Morri
Drive to antique store to get repaired door for buffet
Drive to Walmart and shop
Drive home to put away groceries and apply makeup
Drive to N.I., an hour late
Eat cake that Linda made with Petra and Hazel, lots of chit-chat
Walked to NI Zentrum to get cognac for Helmi’s B-day and mini pie tins
Ordered pizza for dinner, more chit-chat
Drive back to DA to feed and play with cats
Drive car sharing car back to parking spot
Walk two blocks to apartment
Collapse on the couch

I am looking forward to being off for the holidays in about six weeks.  I plan to take at least three weeks off, four if I am lucky.  I cannot wait to not have to deal with work for little while.  I will be traveling quite a bit and visiting with family and friends.  I was actually contemplating legally changing my name in December, but I should probably wait a little bit longer, maybe around Easter 2006 would be better.  We’ll just have to wait and see.  More on this subject tomorrow perhaps.  Cheers!

Broads

I am driven to write something about all the women that I have had relationships with, as part of my soul cleansing process.  I hope that the scraps of bitterness that I feel towards them all will be washed away by documenting my feelings about the breakups from my perspective.  My biased perspective is important to me because anytime that I tried to refute their claims I was met with reasons that were ultimately all my fault and riddled with guilt.  I have my own perspective which I would like to finally get out in the open.  I probably won’t write about my ex just yet, as I still need something from her.  That sounds very self centered, but I don’t care.  I will start a series in the next couple of days about them all.  The list is as follows:

Kathy
Cindy
Sophia
Donna
Yolanda
Elizabeth
KPo

I realize that the list isn’t very long, but I am kind of loser as a man, when it comes to dating women.  My only hope is that I have better luck with relationships as a woman.  Although, I am relatively happy living a celibate lifestyle.  It’s so much easier.  In the last year and a half or so of my marriage, I was basically celibate anyway.  I haven’t had sex with another in two and a half years.  And you know what? I don’t really care.  My penis only brought me trouble in the past and I will be glad when it is finally gone.  I’m glad I don’t have any libido anymore.  I only wish that had been the case in the last years of my marriage.  Did I just say that?  I think I did.  I have wasted many years trying to be someone that I am not, and the pain that brought still hurts.  I hope this measure will help alleviate some of it.  For all of you that dumped me for whatever reason, I think the knowledge of me being transsexual will probably sting a bit.  Kind of like when a guy dates a girl, and later she becomes a lesbian.  This is almost always perceived as the man wasn’t good enough and therefore “turned” her into a lesbian.

I don’t know why this is all coming out today, but I guess it must sometime, and there is no time like the present.  I will probably regret some of this…

Dangerous curves ahead

I’m being a bad seamstress.  I am blogging instead of sewing the fleece top experiment.  I am driven to document my self observations of the physical kind which have an influence on the mental.  Positive in effect of course.  I think I am going to take a DNB break to shake my tooshie off.  Pardon me…aaaahhhhhhh.  I am winded now.  I am listening to some British drum and bass, a song called Droids.  It’s really sinister and dark; it makes me feel like robots are after me…enough of that insanity.

I was inspecting my face to see what hair growth the past 24 hours has brought.  In the two weeks since I had my first ELOS treatment, it seems the growth has become lighter, and in some areas there is nothing.  I am understandably happy about this and I hope it lasts.  My past experience tells me that at about the fourth week it will all come back again.  We shall see.  I am happy at least with what is happening now.  My skin feels so soft too.

As I posted the other day, I bought my first real bra.  I say real because all the ones I had bought in the past were a C cup for my prosthetic boobs.  This one is special, as it fits “me”, or at least what little I have to fill it.  I assume what I am about to say next is normal, but my left one is bigger than the right.  The left actually fills the padded A cup, and the right has a little ways to go.  I wasn’t sure if I had even enough for an A cup, and that I might be jumping the gun.  I will no doubt end up loathing wearing a bra just like any other woman, sort of like when I wanted to learn to shave my face and regretted it after having to shave every day thereafter.  That little reminder will be gone hopefully soon.  I decided I am going to get used to wearing a bra.  Womanhood requires quite a bit more work, and I am borderline high maintenance already.  Good thing I can afford to spoil myself sometimes.  I like being an independent woman.

My problem now is I need clothes for work, men’s clothes, because I don’t really have much in the way of winter tops that are baggy enough to hide my chest.  I am reluctant to spend the money on more men’s clothes, but what I have is not enough to carry me through till I won’t need them anymore.  I feel like it’s a big waste of money, but I must stay hidden for at lest a few more months.  The next few months are going to quite difficult.  I need to start investing in my female wardrobe.  Just a few more months…

I am so far very happy with my physical development.  Some days I feel like I look absolutely horrible, but today is one of the good days.  My waist is becoming more defined and my chub diminished.  My butt is becoming bigger and I actually have some hip going on.  My unisex Levis are starting to fit differently, really loose in fact in the waist band, but tighter in the bum and thighs.  My figure is starting to get some definition to it and I like it.  I am finally getting the body I have always longed for.  This makes me feel really good inside.

Shopping with Linda and Chloe on Saturday really helped too.  I like shopping, and friends, and sidewalk cafes, and buying new shoes.  Seeing fashionable people, and thinking to myself, why can’t I look like that?  The fact is I can.  I just have to get motivated to make stuff.

O.K. here’s me getting psyched up to sew…

The designs you drew last night aren’t shit, they just need “work”
You finally have a shape that doesn’t require removing all flattering lines from patterns
Everything you make from here on out will fit (yeah, right)
You’ll smoke less
You will make genetic females jealous because you have better fashion sense and look good in it too


I think that’s enough convincing.  I noticed today at work this woman staring at me from time to time during a meeting.  She is probably at least ten years younger than me, cute, but almost no fashion sense.  I have come to notice that every German woman it seems has at least one pair of black oxford loafers with a silver buckle or monk strap.  These shoes should be banned.  They should never have made a woman’s version.  It is a staple for some German women however unflattering they may be.  I wish I could give her a makeover.  She could be so much cuter and look more professional.  I couldn’t figure out why I kept catching her looking at me.  I didn’t say two words throughout the whole meeting.  I’m not even sure why I was invited.  Anyway, then I became paranoid that people were noticing my puny boobs.  I chocked it up to people focusing on the silk screened design on my shirt.  But she was always staring at my face.  I think she might have noticed that I went a little too far deforesting my brows.  Whatever the case, it made me feel a little uneasy.

I can’t wait till we get our new work ID cards with a new picture.  I hope they don’t use the same damned one as this last time.  The picture was taken about February 2004, and with almost two years of hair growth and hormones, I don’t really look like the picture anymore.  I hate that picture and I want a new one.  We have new business cards and office signs, but still the same ID’s.

Making it to living full time and beyond today seems like an attainable goal.  I am on my way…I want to thank everyone who cares for me and supports me.  I would not be where I am now without you all!!  Dankeschön!!!!

Love, *Chrissy*

Frankfurt VI

I had a fun day yesterday despite being a little hung over.  Friday night I had gone to the Grohe again for the second time this week.  I met Johannes, Finnbar, Fredi, and Helmut there for a few beers.  This one was planned by Fredi, whereas Wednesday night was more a spontaneous suggestion by Marion.  I had about five beers and stayed till midnight.

I had planned with Linda to meet Chloe in Ffm to do some shopping Saturday.  I ran around the apartment trying to get ready to go.  But first I had to go and get some groceries at Tegut.  I wanted also to go and get my cabinet door from the antique shop, as I had told them that I would pick it up then.  In the end I only had enough time to buy groceries and bring them back home, no door.  I will just have to try to make it by the store this coming week to get it.  I didn’t want to jeopardize me being able to make the 14.05 train to Neu Isenburg.  I made it home and back out to the Bahnhof with time to spare.  I rolled a bunch of smokes during the train ride.

When I still had a couple of stops to go, I wrote Linda an SMS but realized I didn’t have her number stored in the phone so I pulled out my PDA to get her number.  It wouldn’t power up for some reason, Shit!  I pressed the reset button and still nothing.  I quickly changed out the battery and tried it again.  It reset everything, which means it wiped everything out, and I mean EVERYTHING!  All my contacts, calendar, notes, everything.  How was I supposed to contact Linda?  I was standing on the platform at my stop frantically trying to figure out what to do.  I started to feel really insecure.  Linda sent me an SMS and I called her back.  She was on her way to collect me.  I hadn’t realized how much I count on my personal technology until it was gone.  Thank heavens that I have at least my contacts and calendar synched up with my computer at work.  Those two things are the main reason I have my PDA.  I lost also some journal type notes that I had written over the past several months.  I guess I will have to learn how to back up the data on it now.  I have been wanting for some time to update the software on it, but in order to do this, one must start from null.  I am at null now.  I think the backup battery is shot too.  The nearest I can tell is the backup battery shit the bed and then started to drain the main battery.

I was feeling a bit out of it and not so physically stable from the hangover I was nursing.  I really should limit myself to a maximum of three beers in one sitting.  More than that has become too much for my body to handle.  Linda picked me up and we were off to Ffm to meet Chloe.  We parked in the Konstabler garage and walked to our meeting point, the Galleria in front of H&M.  The Zeil was really crowded, and I was having a bit of a problem navigating through the masses.  We met Chloe as planned and started walking back to the Farmer’s Market at the other end of the Zeil.  We managed to find Linda’s neighbor around the wine stands.  He was drinking Sekt and we decided on apfelwein.  We chit-chatted a bit and then went to café Nachtleben for a coffee.  Our waitress was trans, which I thought was kinda cool.  I find that I am able to sniff-out others like me quite easily now.

I found a nice back brush/loofa and some candles at a euro store (like a “dollar” store).  We later went to the Camper store in the Goethestrasse, a very shi-shi part of the shopping area.  The selection wasn’t the greatest, but they did have the black boots that I had seen online, only not in my size.  I tried on another different pair that fit very well.  The color wasn’t really what I was looking for.  I am still unsure of the color even though I decided to buy them.  I also bought a pair of flat mary janes.  I am unsure of these too, because I really wanted something in a flat with a pointy toe.  I can return them for a full refund within thirty days.  I checked online just a minute ago at Schuhpaket for the boots that bought, but in black.  They had them in a 42 and are the same price.  I at least know that the camper women’s size 42 fits.  I also saw some sleek sneakers with the narrow toe from Merril on the site.  I think I will buy the black boots and a pair of sneakers from the online store and return the stuff I bought yesterday.  That’s the beauty of online shopping.  I apologize to Chloe for carrying the bag with my boots in it forever, *sorry*.

On the way back from the Camper store, we headed toward H&M to buy my first real bra.  As we were arriving at the door to the store, Alvero, a friend Chloe had introduced me to, walked hurriedly right by us.  I said his name and he turned around to come back to say hi.  He works at Benetton which is also right there.  He was wearing jeans with a white button down shirt and a pink sweater vest.  This is a little odd to gaze upon, because he usually wears black and is obsessed with Siouxie-Sue, nuff said.  We went into H&M and went up the escalator to the second floor, where all the girly stuff is.  I wanted to get a basic smooth cup bra in a 36A.  As one can imagine, a size 36 in an A cup is not such a common size.  I ended up buying a sea foam green lace bra.  Yay!

We decided to eat Thai food right near the parking garage.  I said it was my treat, but I didn’t have enough cash in my portmone to pay for all of it.  Chloe bailed me out and I wanted to give it back to her but I forgot to get some money at the atm. I will give it back to her when I see her this week.  I had duck.  Yummy!  Afterwards we drove back to DA to my place.  I bombarded Linda with photo albums and my shoe collection.  She is also a shoe-aholic, so she understands.  I didn’t follow my first instinct yesterday with the boots and shoes, and therefore will end up returning at least the boots.  The flats I will keep.  I made coffee and we chatted for a while.  They decided to head back to NI for the night.

I started some wash this morning, uh, afternoon.  I need to walk to the Bahnhof to get my bike that I left there yesterday.  It’s such a nice day outside, I want to get out there and enjoy some of it.  Catch y’all later…

stück eisen

I have been feeling relatively happier in the past couple of days.  I tie it in mostly with my feeling of accomplishment at work.  I am now actually doing real work that will end up becoming a real machine.  This makes me feel good as I have only done theoretical work since June when I got here.  The theoretical part was also fruitful in design, but will for now only exist on paper.  I like designing machines, and I am actually pretty good at it most of the time.  The slant on the stuff that I am only more or less finishing now, are designs that I did when I lived here a year and a half ago.  That’s what I presented to the Japanese.  My designs that had existed for a long time, but are still not realized.  They will see the light of day soon, as assembly starts the first week in February 2006.  I need to get lots of things on order soon.  I am no longer bored at work and the hours seem to fly by now that I have a couple of months work ahead of me.

I visited my doc on Tuesday about my cholesterol.  She felt that it was on the edge and that I should do some sort of exercise a few times a week, and to quit smoking.  My cholesterol numbers sounded good to me, as the total has stayed constant for the last four months at around 230.  But the best part is that my HDL went up.  It had always stayed around 38 or so, and now is 55.  I look upon this as a bit monumental.  My LDL was around 175 or so.  This was good enough news for me.  If I were to be able to eat less fattening German food, like cordon bleu made with pork cutlet stuffed with ham and cheese, I could possibly drop it a bit more.  German cordon bleu is a bit redundant I think.  Riding my bike everywhere for the lack of a car is enough exercise for me.

I mentioned to my doc that I wanted to start looking for a doc that can work on my adam’s apple and another for hair transplants.  She said that I should concentrate on my facial hair before considering anything else.  I don’t see why.   The laser treatments are six weeks apart, and I will be doing them for the next six months.  I want to get both other things done in the meantime.  I want to be ready to start living full time in late spring or early summer.  I was also thinking of maybe seeking out some docs in Detroit or Boston and have a consultation over the holidays.  I’m not sure when the docs usually take their vacation then, so I should probably call soon.  I should also speak with Petra to find out when my health insurance will start to pay for such treatments.  I have a feeling that they don’t pay for anything unless you are living full time.  I can’t imagine living full time without doing it before.

I worked on edge finish samples Tuesday night after work on the beastly serger.  I was working with pieces of lightweight fleece that I want to make a top out of.  It didn’t really work out so well.  The fleece fed like shit and therefore the threads got all knotted and jammed the machine.  I got so frustrated with it.  I wonder now if the presser foot pressure should be reduced.  I may try it one more time.  I was going to try to do some edge finishes with my normal machine.  I’m thinking the dual feed will probably work wonders.  I bought some top weight fleece at karstadt on Monday.  I guess it’s really double fleece, whereas each side is a different color.  One is chartreuse with a reddish-orange side, and the other is navy blue with red on the opposite side.  But the real score was the three metres of blue-green fake lambs fleece that I bought to make a winter coat.  It’s reminiscent of the low pile, shimmery combed lambs fleece coats from the 50’s.  I want to make a ¾ length tie waist coat.  I can’t decide on a collar for it though.  Lapels or mandarin?  I think lapels.

I went to the Grohe last night with Helmut, Mari, and Christi.  I haven’t been out with them for a while now. I have been really good lately with the drinking.  Until last night.  We drank a few beers and had something to eat.  We also talked a lot, and not so much about work.  We all left the Grohe together, Helmut went home and Mari and Christi and I went to the Krone.  It was sort of a goth/punk night.  We stayed there until about 1a and then went home.  I was pretty tipsy on the bike ride home.  I went right to bed.  I felt like major shit this morning when I got up at 7a.  I started to wash some dishes and to make coffee.  As soon as I put the water on the stove I started to feel whoosy and broke into a cold sweat.  I went back to bed and lay down.  There’s something oddly comforting and scary at the same time with cold sweats.  It usually means that the body is fighting something and giving it all it has to get rid of it.  I’m sure it was from the alcohol.  I only had 6 beers over five hours.  I really can’t drink like I used to.  I have to get that through my head.

I took delivery of my antique art nouveau oak buffet tonight.  I am really glad I decided to have it delivered rather than getting myself.  It is a lot bigger and heavier than I had remembered   I thought the guys were going to get a hernia from carrying it up four flights of stairs.  One of the small doors fell open and ripped out of the hinges.  They took it off and brought it back to their shop to fix it.  I will pick it up on Saturday.  One of them asked me if my living room set is authentic.  I told him it was but the upholstery was newer.  I told him that I had bought the smoking stand at their store here in DA.  He said he would do me a good deal on the companion to it.  I also asked if they had any dining tables in oak, and by chance they got a new piece just today.  They showed me pictures of it, but I’ll take a look at it on Saturday.  I am very happy with my decision to buy the buffet.  It’s big and beautiful and weighs a ton.  I’ll post a pic on my photo blog if I think of it.

It’s time to start thinking about planning my time off around the holidays.  I originally planned only to go to Boston, but I realized if I fly NWA, I would have to go through Detroit anyway.  I am getting close to silver elite status with NWA and want to make it before years’ end.  Silver elite means free upgrades and bonus miles that seem to perpetuate once you achieve it, but that’s only if you continue to fly regularly.  My company per contract is paying for the flights.  I am a bit nervous about going back to see family.  But then again, I guess I don’t look so drastically different since the last time they saw me.  If you are looking at my photo blog, then you know how I look. I’m not sure how long I will spend there, I’m thinking a week.  I will maybe spend a couple of days in Detroit to visit Bill & Merry, Jason & Elise, and Jenny and Allison.

My belt keeps getting bigger.  I have lost so far two inches off of my waist, or at least where my jeans sit.  It seems I will have to re-do my sloper before I design anything new.

I wanted to remail sweet trini tonight but I have run out of time.  Sorry sweets…this kid needs to go to bed.  I hope your bathroom is finished soon.  walk good.

Torture

I underwent my first ELOS treatment last Tuesday. ELOS is the new laser light and current hair removal method that I found on the internet. I got to the office at my scheduled time and was met by smiles from the staff. It felt like everyone knew my name and was anxiously awaiting my arrival. It was kind of weird. The doc took me right in to the treatment room. He looked at my three day growth with an inspecting eye. He then handed me a razor and directed me to the bathroom. I haven’t used a blade razor in years. I had to use the soap in the bathroom to try to lubricate the oncoming pain from razor burn. I shaved the best I could, but still had stubble and a couple of bad nicks. I went back into the treatment room and got back on the table. He asked me if I had any infectious diseases, I assume because of all the blood from the nicks on my neck.

He started the evil machine. It at first sounded like an airplane taking off, then it made various beeping sounds. The doc then slathered some sort of gel all over my cheeks and around my mouth and chin. He seemed a bit nervous, like he was trying to remember what to do. I got the feeling he doesn’t have much experience frying people. He set the machine for a long impulse wave and started the torture. He pressed the handset against my upper cheek and it emitted a bright light for a second and then the electric current came right after. It was like the laser treatments I had in the past, with the added electrical twist. Felt really strange at first because I really don’t like the feeling of getting shocked. Sometimes it made a popping sound which I thought were the follicles exploding because they were being superheated. Later I realized that it was the current arcing on the surface of my skin and in turn scorching it. It could also be that some of the missed stubble was being vaporized and burned the skin around it. Whatever the case may be, popping is not a good thing. I was also wondering if the gel he put on my face was too thin in some areas and didn’t distribute the current evenly, creating hot spots.

I will ask the doc if he has much experience using the machine next time. I want to tell him exactly what happened so we can avoid the burns the next time. The current made my neck muscles really jump like the frog leg in biology class. He went over my face and neck twice to make sure I had more than enough pain. The places where it hurts like a bitch are upper lip, lower lip, along the jawbone, and along the throat. I think I will treat these areas with Emla next time before going. The system works like this, the laser light pre-heats the skin and then the high frequency electric current is switched on. The skin conducts electricity better the warmer it is. He also did my chest area in between my breasts and above them. That area hurt pretty badly too.

When we were finished I told him that if this method works, my doctor has some others that she would recommend him to. He said he hoped it worked out for me too. He said something about 250 euro, but I told him he said 200 euro when I last spoke with him. He said ok then, 200 it is. I gave him also the 20 euro I owed from the initial visit. He was like; if 200 is fair then 200. Another clue that he doesn’t do this that often. He made it seem as though I knew better what to charge than he did. That’s fine with me, 200 is fair.

I made another appointment for six weeks later. I went home and cooled my face. All that pain had taken a bit out of me. My face wasn’t as red as it usually got with the other laser I used to do. I was skeptical that it had done anything. I didn’t shave the next day because when I put aloe on my face it burned. I wasn’t sure if it was from the razor burn or the treatment. I noticed there were black spots on my cheeks. I tried to scratch them away with my fingernail and realized it was my charred skin. Ouch!! I put some cortisone on them and they seemed to heal quickly. They were apparently a result of the popping sound I had heard. I shaved the next day and it was really easy. The next day I had hardly any stubble. I did notice that the follicles had been affected because they were swollen for a couple of days. I also have a couple of folliculitis infections, but nothing too bad. I am anxious to see how the hairs react over the next few weeks, but it seems to have stunted them. I only hope it lasts.

The next few weeks will be the test whether or not I continue with this treatment. So far it seems to have done something. I’ll comment when I think of it in the coming weeks.

A-Dam X X X II

Thursday was a quiet day spent trying to calculate bearing lifetimes to answer one of the JPs questions. I tried to go to the train station and buy some tickets to A-dam for Saturday. I got there just in the nick of time to be the last customer. As it turns out there were no more seats left on the trains that we wanted to take, only in the smoking car. I am a smoker, but I don’t want to sit in there for four hours. I went home and checked into renting a car from my car sharing program, but they didn’t have anything good left. I decided I would call the garage first thing Friday to reserve a car. I went to bed really early at 9.30p; feeling totally drained both physically and mentally. The house cleaning would have to wait till morning.

I got up and cleaned and reserved the car. I rented an Opel Astra diesel wagon with a six speed. The six speed diesels are great for long distance driving. I got to the airport a couple of minutes after Jen and Dianne’s scheduled arrival time to find that they arrived 30 minutes early and they were in turn already waiting for me. Oh well. We went back to my place and they took a nap. I went to the bank while they slept to exchange their money and deposit mine. I took them to Seeheim afterwards to the golden cross on the hill. We picked up Mari and went to Antik Lokales in Eberstadt for dinner. Helmut was supposed to meet us there, but didn’t make it.

We left for A-dam at about noon on Saturday, with it totally pouring outside. We made it to the A-dam at about 5p, parked and walked to the hotel. Apparently they were overbooked and had no room for us. The desk clerk was frantically trying to find us a room to no avail. Then this scraggly looking character with a black eye is pointing and gesturing to me from outside the front door. I ignored him. Then the desk clerk tells me that his friend knows another hotel and takes me outside to the guy with the black eye. He tells me he works at a hotel a couple of doors down that has a room available. We go with him to check it out. It all was starting to seem a bit shifty. The guy at the next hotel tells us that he has a room and it will cost us 300€ for two nights. I asked if I could see it first, and ventured up the stairs to find it. This place looked like a heroin flophouse. The room had writing on the walls, missing tiles in the shower, and was generally dirty. I felt like I would catch a disease if I were to stay in the room. We decided to get out of there and find something on our own.

We went to the Ibis near Centraal Station to see if they had anything. Rene the desk clerk informed us they were full, so I asked him if there were any of the other hotels in his chain with rooms available. He was able to get us in at a Mercur hotel on the south side of town for a rate of 109€ for a triple room. The normal rate for the hotel is 210€ per night for the same room. We greased his palm and off we were to the hotel. The hotel was a palace compared to the place I looked at earlier. We took a cab to Rembrandtplein and found a place to eat. Afterwards we went to Dampkring, my favorite coffee house, for some coffee. I was actually able to navigate the streets pretty well finally.

Mari had told me about a Lesbian bar but she was only able to describe the surroundings and the sign. I hadn’t thought much of it because I wasn’t able to picture the place she was describing. As we were waiting for our cab at Rembrandtplein I realized that the little alley that our cabbie had dropped us off at earlier was exactly the spot Mari had described. There was the green space, the alley, and the angelic woman on the sign. Funny coincidence? I was wondering if our cabbie had picked up on the fact that Jen and Dianne are a couple and decided to be helpful. When our cabbie was bringing us back to our hotel he took us by a tranny bar, and announced it as such. I just looked back at Jen and laughed. Could that cabbie be that perceptive? I chock it up to mere coincidence. We took many cabs between the hotel and the city during the weekend. So many that we were able to discern when the cabbie was taking us for a ride, literally. You really have to watch those slippery bastards. They count on the fact that the people they are driving are tourists and don’t know the city enough to know the most direct route. Our hotel had supposedly approved cab drivers that weren’t supposed to be ripping people off. On Sunday night we patiently waited for one, and he turned out to be the worst. We asked to go to Nieuw Markt and Jen followed his route on the map. He had zigged when he shoulda zagged and by the time I realized we weren’t anywhere near where we wanted to go, we reached a crucial intersection where if he went right, I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. He turned left. That was it. Jen and I looked at each other and decided we wanted to get out. Enough is enough. We just got out and didn’t say anything to him. In hindsight we should have let him have it and also give his license number to the hotel and tell them the story. Bastard!

Sunday we went to the Stedelijk, the museum of modern art and also had more coffee. We had some really good Thai food at Nieuw Markt for dinner, once we finally walked there after the cabbie incident. It made me feel good that I could finally navigate the city with confidence. Monday we went to a flea market at Waterlooplein. I bought a couple of scarves and some silver jewelry. I bought a pair of silver bali hoops and a black onyx ring. We walked around a bit more and J&D did some more shopping for tops. We finally ended up at the same shop that I had found before that had all the best in terms of souvenirs and tops. I had forgotten about the place. We headed back to the car and left the wonderful city...for the moment.

I wish I could live in Amsterdam, or at least closer to it. I feel so alive there. The time before that I rented a bike there, I felt instantly that I was part of the environment. I stopped to fix my bag on the rack and people started to ask me directions. Now I feel that I could actually give directions, but without street names, I’m not quite that advanced yet. I want to try to make some connections there either engineering-wise or with fashion. I would probably have a better chance to find a job there after transition than even in Germany. The Dutch are so much more advanced when it comes to transgender issues in society. I feel like my creative juices flow much better there. I used to think Paris was the place, but A-dam and the Netherlands in general have so much more to offer. I should speak with an insider, Highmaintenancehussy at Recreational Use. She could probably help me out, or at least give me some basic info. I’ll give it a shot and see where it leads. Aside from learning another language, I think I could be totally happy living there. Dare to dream…

We drove back and were met with stop and go traffic the whole way back through the Netherlands. We stopped so J&D could take some pictures of Fresian horses. They’re horse people. We sailed through the border without pause. The rest of the ride home went relatively quickly. Tuesday was to be a busy day.

I got up at 7a to wake up J&D to switch beds because the guys were supposed to be there at 7.30a to lay the tile on the balcony. They didn’t show until 8.30a. I was a little perturbed that I got up so early and they were late. After they got there I got ready to go to work to hear the JP welcome to Horiba for all of us in DA. Our new top man actually gave his speech in German. That took a lot of courage on his part. It was a bit painful to listen to at times, but I was also there at one point. The meeting was really short, only a half hour. I went back to the office with Helmut and checked my email, then went back home and woke up J&D with coffee and cakes. Jen gave me my shots in a different place than where the nurses usually do it. I realized later exactly why they do it where they do. She gave me it a bit too low because I could feel it every time I sat down. Administering it a bit higher, closer to the waist avoids the sitting pains.

We went shopping in Ffm and Jen bought some furry moccasin boots. We had a coffee in a sidewalk café, but the weather wasn’t so nice, it is fall you know. We headed back to DA so I could make my ELOS treatment. I will write separately about this experience. Later we decided to go to find something to eat and ended up at the Lokales. Wednesday we went to Köln (Cologne) to see the Cathedral and go to the Chocolate Museum. The museum has a huge chocolate store with all kinds of goodies. I bought some extra bitter chocolate from Tobago, since it reminded me of sweet trini. I love bitter chocolate. We drove back to DA to have dinner with Mari and Christi at their place. They made Flammkuchen and served Federweisse with it. This is a traditional early fall dish served with young wine. It was very tasty treats. Thursday we went to eat at a café and then walked around DA a bit. I brought them to the airport and went in with them. Check in was quick, a miracle, and we were off to find a bookstore. We said our goodbyes at the gate and I watched them go through to make sure everything went ok. I stopped a bar in the terminal for a coffee.

I went to Linda’s in NI on the way home from the airport to drop off her jacket that I repaired for her. She had hurt her back earlier in the day and was trying to nurse it. I hung out with her for a few hours and then brought the car back to work to give it up. Once at home, I decided to call someone that I was reluctant to call. I should have followed my first instinct. It upset me and put me in a foul mood for all of Friday at work. I don’t think I will put as much effort in keeping up contact in the future. Enough of that negative stuff, I don’t need it..

I went to bed early Friday night as I was convinced that I was overtired and should get some rest. Saturday morning and into afternoon, I responded to some email that I had been procrastinating. I had planned to go to Walmart and then Karstadt to get some fleece for vests, but I only had time to go to Walmart. I guess I can go to Karstadt during the week. I want to make a sporty vest to wear at work and also a more feminine one. I want to start experimenting with edge finishes on the serger with some fleece and polo knit. I also wanted to try to make some Dutch apple pies. I bought all the stuff to make them yesterday at Walmart. I was thinking if they come out good I may give them to Helmut, Mari, Klaus, Magda, and maybe Jens for breakfast break. I’ll be winging it on the recipe, so we’ll see how it goes. I think all I need is butter, brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. I was wondering if I need vanilla extract. I should have asked Lizzy for a few tips, since she is the apple pie queen.

hot air

I haven’t had much time in the last couple of weeks to write anything.  Blah!  What with the Japanese presentations and my sister coming here to drive me crazy.  I am finally able to get some rest this weekend.

I sat through the two days of presentations with the Japanese feeling bored and uncomfortable.  I was uncomfortable because my business unit manager and the company president were acting like complete idiots.  I haven’t made up my mind whether it was their arrogance or their lack of competence that made me more embarrassed.  They pushed discussions that the Japanese were clearly not ready to have at that point in time.  The leader of the JPs told us their/our number one priority is quality, and second to that is cost.  The soon to be former president began to argue that cost should be first.  It seemed like a good simple statement from Yone, one to ponder.  It’s good to have one’s priorities in order.  I was watching my president commit career suicide right before my very eyes.  Good for him, he really is an incompetent nincompoop.  I hope the JPs can turn us around.

My friend and colleague Tasos made into town for the presentations.  I miss him a bit, as he is really one of the few people that I actually feel that I can trust any more in the company.  I have designed some new machines for him in the past, one of which was just installed in record time last week.  I want to post some pictures of it on my photo blog so you can get an idea of the proportions of the machines I design.  I saw Tasos talking with Yone and didn’t think much of it.  They both came back into the room and Yone made the comment jokingly that I should move back to Ann Arbor with him.  He has been living there for a year now.

My friend and colleague Tasos made into town for the presentations.  I miss him a bit, as he is really one of the few people that I actually feel that I can trust any more in the company.  I have designed some new machines for him in the past, one of which was just installed in record time last week.  I want to post some pictures of it on my photo blog so you can get an idea of the proportions of the machines I design.  I saw Tasos talking with Yone and didn’t think much of it.  They both came back into the room and Yone made the comment jokingly that I should move back to Ann Arbor with him.  He has been living there for a year now.

Tasos drove me and Norbert to the dinner that was planned for the end of our first day of presentations.  I was sad at the end of the day because of the idiots I work for, and all the stress they induced in the past week.  I felt that I wanted to quit really bad.  After dinner Tasos and I dropped Norbert at his car and decided to go for a drink.  We went to Cluster; a tiny bar in the Martin’s quarter.  I was getting down on the company and told him that I felt that I was going to be left behind in this takeover.  He told me that he had mentioned to Yone that I had designed all the new machines that are now in demand.  Tasos then reminded me of what Yone said about moving to Ann Arbor, and that he was talking me up with him outside right before he said that.  I hope he remembers me.

I gave my presentation on Wednesday, at 8.30a, as scheduled.  I opened with a little ditty about my history with the company, and that I have moved back and forth a couple of times now.  Dieter W. commented at the end of with “and next is Japan”, which was met with a chuckle from the group.  Instead of coffee that morning I had a calming tea that is supposed to help with anxiety and nerves.  It seemed to help.  I asked at the beginning that everyone hold their questions till the end, and that I would gladly answer them then.  I also asked them to stop me if anything I have said is unclear.

As soon as I had hit on the first slide of substance Dieter piped in and opened the door to questions.  (the batteries in my wireless keyboard just died-shit!)  My half hour presentation turned into an hour thanks to DW arschloch.  It went off without a hitch otherwise.  All my colleagues complemented me on my performance.  A couple of them said that I speak with a comical English dialect.  I was just speaking as I normally would speak English without any slang, trying even harder to make my points understood easily by non native English speakers.   I realized that my colleagues never hear me speak English anymore since all I normally speak at work is German.  I never utter more than a couple of words in English, much less an hour at a time.

Afterwards on Wednesday night Tasos and I went to the Grohe for something to eat and a couple of beers.  I showed him my apartment and he consequently had to use the toilet.  I realized after I said yeah, that my makeup caddy is on the top of the dryer, shit!  No time to hide it.  I’m sure he saw it.  Plus I had a bunch of sewing stuff hanging around the living room.  He noticed my sewing machines in the hall way and asked me if they were mine.  I said they were and that I sew also.  I told him that the pants and vest that I wore the day before I had made myself.  He didn’t mention anymore about it.  I am not sure what he is thinking now.  He doesn’t know about my transition.  I debated on whether or not to tell him now, but decided not to just yet.  I somehow think he would be relatively ok with it, though.

Thursday was a quiet day spent trying to calculate bearing lifetimes to answer one of the JPs questions.  I tried to go to the train station and buy some tickets to A-dam for Saturday.  I got there just in the nick of time to be the last customer.  As it turns out there were no more seats left on the trains that we wanted to take, only in the smoking car.  I am a smoker, but I don’t want to sit in there for four hours.  I went home and checked into renting a car from my car sharing program, but they didn’t have anything good left.  I decided I would call the garage first thing Friday to reserve a car.  I went to bed really early at 9.30p; feeling totally drained both physically and mentally.  The house cleaning would have to wait till morning.