insecurity

What is security? That is what I have been thinking about lately. I have also been thinking about my boundaries. About what is really important, and what is really bullshit. I spend so much of my life working to “secure my future” that I don’t have any time to enjoy my present. I think that if I keep going this way there will be no future to be secure in for me. Because I will die before, or like my dad, mere months after I retire. Won’t even be able to enjoy what I slaved for years to secure. It is completely absurd.

I feel like I am a prisoner of my own jail. I have made it to a window blackened with dirt, and was able to clean part of it enough to sneak a glimpse at the people who are relatively free. Free-er than me in any case. i am getting more and more bitter about how I treat myself. I am so psychologically fucked up that I put my job before my health. That is wrong and I am ashamed that I can admit that. It is time to make some changes in my life.

The changes have already begun. If I can imagine a different way of living, I can also achieve it. I know this. I have proved to myself that if I want something enough to do for myself, I can make it happen. I must get a new job. That is a major step, and a very necessary one. My first priority has been to have surgery as soon as possible. I have wasted almost a year to obtain only the paperwork to apply for it. I had even considered staying in my current job until surgery which is frighteningly desperate. I am almost certain that I would probably hurt myself somehow before surgery day comes. Either by working myself until burnout or getting so depressed and doing a concrete high dive.

It is difficult for me to break free of my chains. It will be a slow process, but I am getting a better idea of where I want to be. Right now I am approximately happy 10% of the time and angry, depressed, sick, or all of the above 90% of the time. That has to change. I would like to get to happy at least 50% of the time. Relatively speaking that is a dream at this point. I will be working on it. I want to know what it feels like to “sit on the couch”.

The time has never been better for me to change jobs. There is a big shortage of engineers in Europe at the moment. It is a seller’s market right now. I already have one invitation for an interview in the Netherlands. The company doesn’t totally interest me, but what have I got to lose? Nothing to lose but everything to gain. I also have another interesting lead to follow, that seems like a really good opportunity. I shall see.

There is still hope.

i feel so

blah tonight. My throat has been bothering me for two weeks now. I thought it was gone, but it is still here. I’m sure it is the stress from work manifesting itself as illness. The blame game was started today over the vw project and how it went down the tubes. Engineering is always to blame because we actually produce something other than paper and we have a budget and schedule to try to stick to. I have been working on two projects that were always way behind schedule because both had unrealistic delivery times. Work sucks when you are always trying to get something finished that is already late. It has been almost a year since I started working constant overtime. I did have a break over Christmas that allowed me the time to regenerate and to catch a glimpse of how well I can feel. Within six weeks I had a sinus infection. I have been off and on sick for months.

When I wake in the morning my throat feels sore. My tonsils get sore and it becomes hard to swallow. I am assuming at this point that they will be removed soon. I am wondering if they could have been causing the sinus problems. I went last week to have them looked at and the doc did a throat culture to check for strep throat. The culture was negative. I read online that tonsillitis should go away on it’s own in two weeks if it isn’t from strep. I hope it goes away soon. I spoke with my boss about my sickness and told him that I have denied many times my doc’s offers to write me off sick. I told him that when everything is ordered for vw I will take a week sick and a week of free time compensation. He agreed and also told me that he and the next boss were talking about how I have been working overtime for many months and it shouldn’t be. But it is.

I am also wondering if I am seriously ill and I just don’t know it yet. I suppose I will find out. I have an appointment with my doc for this Thursday. I go for shots tomorrow. It will be a long day.

I am happy that I am in love with someone special. We comfort each other which feels nice. I hope that we can be together again soon. I hope that I will have two weeks off really soon. I would like to spend some days sleeping and sewing in between. Just to know I don’t have to think about work at all. And only think of snaring me a crocodile.