um, yeah that's it.

I’ve been feeling a bit off balance lately. I’m not sure what it is. It all started last Thursday after my electrolysis torture. On Friday at work I felt sort of drained and weak. I met Mari and Christi at the Grohe biergarten for some beers and something to eat, namely a schusterpfanne. Harto was there too, mingling with the regulars and such. Harto is such a character. The first time I met him was at the Krone, and by the end of the night he was groping my ass. That was when I had first come out. We were all pretty toasted that night. Anyway, Friday I felt like I looked like a man or at least a freak. My lips and chin were three times larger than they usually are and the skin around my mouth was red as hell since I am not allowed to put make up on it for 24 hours. I rode to Walmart before meeting Mari, the cashier lady was looking at me very snidely. I tried to ignore her, but her long curly white chin hairs kept scratching at me. Everyone has their crosses to bear I guess. Mari spent most of the night trying to cheer me up and it seemed to work…or was it the five beers I drank? Thankfully Saturday was upon us.

We had intentions of going to the Christopher Street Day in Ffm on Saturday afternoon, but it somehow didn’t happen. I think it may have had something to do with the hangovers we were nursing. Curse that evil alcohol. I worked a little on my olive shorts and mostly was lazy up until late afternoon when I decided to wash my sweat ridden body.

During my laziness I was surfing and googled “best cities European singles” to try to find a place to go on vacation. A dating site in the results sparked my interest, so went and took a look-see. By the time I knew it I was doing a free registration and generating a profile. It just goes to show how desperate I am to meet new people, and more specifically a woman. I have been thinking about what I want as far as a mate, and came to the conclusion that I still like females more than men. I figured I could give the online thing a whirl and see what happens. I registered as a bisexual female because I am still carrying around what a counselor told me once. I would rather be more open about what I want and just register lesbian, but I’m worried about backlash from the supposed feminazi lesbians my counselor told me about. Bisexual female is relatively neutral seeing as how I am kinda in between at the moment. I came clean in my profile text about my transsexuality and tried to downplay it as not being my only defining attribute. I got some smiles from three women in the UK. There are some women in the area, but I am a bit hesitant to make the first move. I’m still testing the waters.

Then yesterday I was working on a denim skirt and was suddenly stricken with anxiety. I became nervous at the realization: what if someone contacts me? What will I do? What will I say? I had dated women when I was a man and was nervous then about talking with them. Now I am faced with it from a totally different angle. I realized I hadn’t thought this through far enough before doing it. I felt maybe I wasn’t ready to meet new people, and that I was being a little too hasty. I thought about the fact that I still have a penis and that if I did meet a woman, I wouldn’t want to use it at all. I feel at this point I have no right to use it anymore. It would go against everything I am doing. It barely functions anymore, yes I’ve tried, but I really wish it was just not there. Having nothing there would be a better alternative. Then I thought about if I were to get really excited what would happen? I began to feel traumatized when I thought about what could happen. I’m not sure I could handle that. I should probably get my hands on some androcur. That will do the trick.

I think I might be getting some libido bubbling to the surface. It feels so strange though. Since I started taking hormones over a year ago, I haven’t had any sign of libido and I didn’t miss it. It seems I am still developing both mentally and physically. My breasts have been in a growth cycle lately, which is welcomed, but I also feel differently mentally. I find it hard at this point to put into words exactly what I am feeling. It is almost surreal, as if reality is becoming more real. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I feel somehow as if I am morphing again. Almost as if there are planes or dimensions of femininity or female-ness and I have just crossed over to a higher one. Or maybe I am just being a freak. Even though it is all very strange and new, I feel oddly comfortable with it. I almost feel lighter and somewhat euphoric. Is gender euphoria the opposite of gender dysphoria? Is there such a thing or place?

It could be also that I am slowly reaching the point of no return with the hormones. They say 18 months is the point where the damage to the goods is permanent. I have come to welcome that eventuality. I thought when I crossed the gender role fence that that was it with the new feelings. I am happy to say that something is still moving, and in the right direction too. I wonder if all my problems at work and my over-emotionality in the recent weeks has been possibly been a side effect of not producing testosterone anymore. Maybe my hormone balance has changed in that the suppression of the testosterone is complete and the estrogen has the run of the place. I suppose that could be a logical solution, since in a couple of days will be exactly the 18 month mark. The notion of going back to living as a male couldn’t seem more of a distant memory than it does now. I don’t ever want to go back.

For a time I was worried that I was fooling myself to think that this was correct for me. Even though it is difficult being me sometimes, overall it just keeps getting better. It’s a good thing this transition process takes years, because the reality of it all is quite an intense mind-fuck. Imagine changing so much so quickly that people don’t recognize you anymore, including yourself. I had always had an image of myself and wondered how I would really look if I did this. Now that it is reality, I am able to see and feel who I really am. I am so happy I did this and I can’t fully describe how it feels. It almost feels as if I slipped out of my old body and into a new one. I can tell it’s still my old body though; the welding scars are still all over it. Little, deep reminders of what I once was. My past is still with me, but it has become easier to look back upon it and know it is my past. It seems silly to me now to think I was so conflicted for so long. I don’t wish I could change the past, because if I did I would have never experienced everything I have done and seen, good or bad. The conflict has been replaced by a shred of inner peace which is much smaller than the conflict was, but a little bit of inner peace goes a long way.

Just before I finally decided to transition, I remember looking in the mirror at my hairline and thinking that I didn’t want to lose anymore, so I had better transition. I looked upon that rationale as me being a fake and vain, but now I realize it was just me using visuals to give me an excuse finally do it. Whereas I had always been making up excuses not to do it. That of course was a pivotal time in my thinking which led up to the eventual rejection of denial and the acceptance of my fate. How sweet it is.

Anniversary

My blogging first anniversary has come and gone and I didn’t even notice.  July 10, 2005 was the day of my first posts ever.  Since then I have seen and done a lot of things.  I am happy that I started this blog a year ago.  It has proved to be very beneficial to me in many ways.  I am glad that I am able to record the events at this point in my life.  It is a very interesting time indeed.

blood sweat and tears

I wish it would rain finally.  We have been enjoying a heat wave for two weeks now.  Every day has been in the 90’s without any wind.  I am thankful that I am now able to wear what suits me, as I have been wearing mostly light and airy skirts with skimpy tops.  Being able to wear a skirt in this heat is definitely a plus.  Now if I was only able to feel comfortable in a swimsuit everything would be great.  Although I’m not sure that the swimming holes would be actually refreshing after it being so hot for so long.  I just washed my face and the water was refreshingly cold.  Thanks for that.

Today is Ann’s birthday, Happy Birthday Annie!!!  I hope you enjoy your day.  I will probably call her later since everyone is still sleeping over there right now.  Tonight Mari is having a barbecue to celebrate her graduation from engineering school.  I’m so proud of her.  I first met her in the summer of 2001, when I was here for three months to help out.  We became good friends over that summer and we still enjoy a strong friendship.  That summer I can remember sitting in the Herrengarten or somewhere discussing life and work and she mentioned going back to finish her degree.  I encouraged her to do it as she was frustrated with her mobility without a degree.  She went back to college that fall working and learning.  She has gone through a lot since then and I admire her drive to finish successfully. She has earned it, and she deserves a big CONGRATULATIONS!!!  

I am in the middle of making a black denim hip-hugger mini with red topstitching.  It’s a tasteful mini, one that will hopefully help me deal with the heat.  I wanted to make a new top to go with it, but I’m not sure if I’ll have the time.  I should probably do some food shopping today but I really don’t have much of an appetite in this weather.  I should just buy lots of cukes.  I always enjoy my forays into the Plus store.  The selection is usually hit or miss and the drunks with their plastic beer bottle returns are always a treat.  I personally think that drinking beer out of a plastic bottle is just plain wrong.  Or maybe I am just jaded by the loud and obnoxious people that return the bottles to buy some more, as if they need it.  The cashiers have been hardened by the repeated abuse and I feel bad for them that they have to deal with such people.

Last Wednesday I wrote out my resignation and signed it.  I was at the point of no return.  I was so depressed and needed to get out.  I still do.  My BU manager invited me out for a beer to discuss the situation, again.  That morning I had a lot of trouble fighting back the tears.  What started it all again was Alex asking me if I was upset with him.  I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t, but couldn’t finish because I would have started sobbing.  I spoke to my super at lunch which helped my mood a bit.  I wrote Heike an email calling her out for her treatment of me the day before.  I also asked her why she doesn’t support me anymore.  A lot of the things she would reassure me would not happen are now coming to pass.  I tried not to be damaging in any way, I just tried to get out what I was feeling that day about the situation.  I could tell that she was acting a bit differently on Thursday, perhaps a bit more calm.  I was told she was looking for me when she was on her way home but we didn’t meet.  I stated in my email that I was expecting an apology for her treatment of me.  I am not a child, nor a pubescent teen.  I felt a little guilty but then those are my feelings and I have to stick to them.  I am slowly learning the politics of women in the workplace.  I never got an apology.

In our team meeting on Thursday I was able to enjoy watching the CA squirm in his chair.  The main PM was grilling him on things he was supposed to have finished and he had nothing.  Need more time.  I have been trying to figure out how this man has made a career out of consulting.  Maybe he is better at single facet projects and systems are just too much for him to handle.  He should just admit that he can’t hack it, or isn’t suited for the work we need and quit.  In the end we are lining his pockets for nothing in return.

I spent most of yesterday at work trying to make sense of the information that the CA distributed.  I was expecting information that I could somehow use to further my design efforts to the point where I could actually order something, anything.  I discussed lots of it with the temp engineer.  We came to the conclusion that everything the CA has done in the past months since he has been with us has been all for naught.  A colossal waste of time and money.  The time is the most important factor at this point.  Most of the people that read or hear this guy know he is full of shit but nobody feels they can get rid of him.  The managers need to do their job because they owe it to the pres to tell him when someone is useless and needs to go.  Especially if they are a consultant that costs a pretty penny.  The others don’t read and hear as much as I do from him, and some actually tell me they feel for me, but no one will do anything about it.  It’s no wonder I am at the point of breakdown.  My super is to be the buffer, or filter between me and the CA.  He plans to nail his ass to a chair and make him write a list of everything he has worked on and completed since his coming and where we can find the files on the server.  The man is incompetent plain and simple.  I continually expose his incompetence and he retaliates with underhanded personal attacks.  The workers council was prepared to hear my case against him, but I only have one written example of his tricks.  I told them that I would wait to see if I endure more attacks and then I would blow the whistle.  I have to be careful with my public accusations.

I take my job seriously.  I have to.  The fate of many people and part of the company are riding on it.  I am very passionate about what I design and take pride in being able to create a quality machine.  It is no wonder my emotions are running high.  I have a responsibility to the people that procure and build what I have designed.  They expect competent solutions to help them be more effective, and deservedly so.  In the end I think we can get past this idiot and deliver on our charge.  It may just take us a lot longer than expected since we have lost lots of time.  The CA will be on vacation for three weeks starting the first of August.  Joy!  We can actually use the time to be productive.

I should think about taking some vacation time as well.  I am not sure where I wan to go.  I was contemplating Iceland again.  I really want to go back there.  I am thinking a small cabin on the north side of the island totally isolated from the rest of the world, a place that would make me happy to see humans again after the week is over.  Beautiful scenery there is to be expected every step of the way.  I was also contemplating going back to the states for two weeks, spending a few days in Detroit and then on to Mass.  I could go to the island for a few days, maybe swim in the ocean.  I long to hang out with my sisters again.  A little isolation sounds better at this point.  I think I will do some research online, that’s if my computer cooling fan tows the line.

I heard from Stef this week.  She is apparently in country for a month, working no doubt.  I miss hanging out with her and Nate.  We always had such a good time when the came to visit.  I wish I had more friends that have no connection to the job or transsexuality.  Don’t get me wrong, the people I consider friends in those circles I appreciate very much.  I want to look into taking a language or a silversmith course at the VH this fall.  I want to learn French and also designing and making silver jewelry interests me very much.  It would also give me the chance to get out and meet new people.  I generally don’t hold myself back when choosing when and where to go out.  All the places that I used to frequent as Christopher I frequent now as Christine. There really hasn’t been a change in where I feel comfortable going and being myself.

One day at lunch this week I was just about to sit down to eat, and couldn’t help but notice a group of women that work at another company on our campus were blatantly turning around in their chairs to ogle at me, as if they had never seen a transfrau before.  I felt a little uncomfortable at first, but then I just stared back and smiled at the last one to turn around.  She sort of smiled, perhaps a bit taken aback that I even acknowledged their tackiness and returned with a smile.  I can almost hear what they must be saying.  I’m sure it’s got around that there is a transfrau in their midst, and therefore comes the discovery, “there she is” (at least I hope they say she).  Situations like that don’t really bother me, except when people act dumb.  A smile shows that I don’t care if they are staring at me because I feel comfortable with my person.

back stabber

I am totally depressed.  My job is killing me.  The cost analyst is up to his same old tricks, and everyone else is trivializing the way I feel about it.  I don’t know what to do.  Am I nuts?  Am I the only one who sees what is happening?  I am reminded daily that the success of the project depends on me.  If I leave the project will fail and lots of my friends and colleagues will be let go and it will be all my fault.  I’m wondering if they are trying so hard to keep me around so that when it does fail (it looks now as if it will), I will be to blame anyway.  He is overt in his volleys at me.  My super even caught him cold, the evidence I have started saving in a folder.  I am so sad.  I am contemplating staying home tomorrow.  I don’t want to be depressed.  Its summer and I should be out enjoying it, but I am instead sitting here crying once again.

Things are finished between me and Heike after today.  I spoke with her last week on the phone, the whole time was her trying to convince me that I have changed lately and it’s because I can’t handle my hormones.  Naturally that pissed me off because my hormones are none of anyone’s business.  Blaming my hormones for my behavior at work is such an easy cop out.  For example today, in a team discussion it became known that an important piece of info was distributed to the temp that works with me from the CA.  I wasn’t included and therefore didn’t know about it for four days.  I called him on it and it was turned around on me.  I was blamed for not including him on distribution on an email I answered from the Japanese.  The paper was presented last Thursday in a meeting that everyone attended.  He could have asked for a copy then, but some how he turned it on me.  Then Heike tried to make me feel as if I was just as underhanded as him.  He is out to get me fired, and the way things are going now, I think he may just succeed.  He knows my buttons and he plays them well.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel trapped.  I used to like my work but now I hate it.

I am no longer worried that I have made the right decision to transition.  That is clear.  I used to cry because I was depressed about changing and all that goes along with it.  I don’t cry about that anymore.  The only thing I cry about now is my job.  I feel totally good about myself when I can get my job out of my head.  I guess I made a bad decision on where to transition.  I never could have imagined such a nightmare.  It figures, I get myself to the point where I feel comfortable in my own skin, and then the rest of my life goes to shit and I am unable to enjoy it.  I have to come up with a contingency plan.

Third ain't bad...

The Deutsche are going nuts outside.  They are celebrating their devastating 3:1 win over Portugal, securing the third place spot in the WC.  They played flawlessly and were simply stronger than the Portuguese.  Tomorrow it’s on with France and Italy playing at eight in the evening.  That is going to be a really good game with Zidane fronting the French.  Then football will be over for a while.

I had a meltdown at work on Thursday.  It all started dangerously enough with our Thursday’s melee disguised as a weekly project meeting.  I got so pissed off I started to shake.  My fellow electrical engineer, Alex, started freaking out too.  We are the ones who have to actually produce something, namely the finished design.  The rest currently serve only to slow up the process and make us both go insane.  Heike has even stopped supporting me and we don’t really speak anymore.  She sold me out.  All the managers know that the cost analyst is full of shit, but they claim there is nothing they can do about him since his boss is buddy-buddy with our pres.  After the meeting fell apart we all went to lunch.

Afterwards I tried to do some work and shut everybody else off with listening to music with my earbuds in.  Ellie came in told me that I was expected in the BU’s office.  I was joined there by my direct super and the ober project manager.  They all started ganging up on me with dieter going first.  He basically told me that I wasn’t able to work in the team anymore because I don’t want to.  I am not a team player apparently.  I told them that I was ready to quit and then they started laying on the guilt.  The pres put his reputation on the line; if I leave the project will definitely fail and all my colleagues will lose their jobs and it will be all my fault.  My voice was cracking the whole time as I was fighting back the tears.  They had to end the meeting but wanted to continue it next week, joy.  My job has turned into a total nightmare.

I left early and came home.  I sat down in my easy chair trying not to think abnout any of it, but it wasn’t working.  So I decided to go to Karstadt and look for some fabric for skirts.  I bought some turquoise stretch cotton sateen, a gray-blue stretch cotton, and some jersey for a matching top.  I felt good for about ten minutes after finding the perfect fabrics.  I went back home and then the tears started.  My job is so depressing.  I tried to sleep to forget about it all, but it was a restless nap.  Helmi wanted to come by to make sure I was ok, but he had something he absolutely had to finish.  I went to bed not too long after.

Yesterday morning I go to work to find only Alex there.  It promised to be a quiet day since the rest of the bozos weren’t there.  Not long after I settled in at my desk I began to get upset again.  Just being in that place is killing my spirit.  I swear my phantom tonsillitis was really the physical manifestation of the stress I am under.  I could tell Alex was also totally depressed so he left at noon.  I tried to enjoy the quiet of the afternoon alone in our work room.  I feel so trapped and I want to break out.  I contemplated cutting and running at the end of the summer.  Sell everything I can’t carry on my back and fly back to the states without saying a word.  In doing that I would be throwing away all my progress with my transition, not all, but some.  The only thing I can do without losing everything is to stay and try to make it through until my contract is up and be sent back to Detroit.  That’s no fun either.  I have a lot of thinking to do.

Hangin with the Heiners

I am the road to recovery after a long night of fußball and Heinerfest. I skipped out on Thursday because I felt like butt after doing an hour of electrolysis. Drinking a beer and chilling made a lot more sense than being around lots of people. I left work relatively early to meet Mari and Christi at the Krone to watch the Germany vs. Argentina game. We watched the first half there and then decided to go to 603qm to watch the second half. 603qm was way too full and way too hot. I don’t like to sweat anymore if I can help it. We decided to cut and run and head toward their house. We ended up at Stephan and Yvonne’s to watch what was left of the game. Germany came out on top and all was well in heinerland. We all headed over to heinerfest after the game. Everyone at heinerfest was decked out in their colors black, red, and gold and justly celebrating the win over the scary Argentineans. We hung out in front of the Krone for a couple of hours and then decided to go to Ecstasis where there was a reggae party going on. We danced a lot and then it was time to go home. I’m not exactly sure when I got home, the main point is that I made it home.




I noticed feeling a bit insecure yesterday evening. I need to stop thinking about what people might think of me and learn to enjoy myself without such worries. I worry sometimes that I don’t seem real enough to realistically make my transition work. I should be more at ease though, because when I think about when I am at work or out in public, people may notice something about me but mostly nobody says anything negative to me directly. I get the occasional mister which is sometimes a slip, or sometimes mean but I am able to just let it roll off. I am slowly losing the jealousy that I have had of other real females, trying to remind myself that I am a female now also and that I can define myself as I truly see myself. Or perhaps it is a left over feeling that doesn’t make sense anymore since I have made the change. I feel intimidated by other women sometimes, feeling like I am not adequate at being a female. Although my confidence level is relatively high, I still have lingering insecurities. I guess I am still deathly afraid of a very embarrassing situation happening, for instance someone freaking out over me in the rest room. It might be that I know that I still have my penis, and other people can’t tell one way or the other. It is a silly worry, but I worry that somehow people know that I still have it, as if they can see it somehow. I wish my penis was no longer there because it is the most obvious clue that I was once a male. It hinders me from feeling as though I can live normally, like say, going swimming. I wish it were gone even if nothing was there to replace it. It doesn’t fit anymore and therefore it’s got to go. Once it is gone I assume most of my remaining insecurities about my body will go away. Overall I am very satisfied with how my body has changed shape, except for the painfully slow breast growth. I am still impressed and amazed when I look at my figure in the mirror. It is truly a dream come true. I like to parallel my transition to those corny coming of age movies where the tomboy sheds her tattered jeans for a smock and shocks her male peers with her feminine beauty.