Schwerigkeiten

All the things that have been on my mind lately have come to a head today.  I broke down in therapy today.  By the end of the session I was laughing again, but that didn’t last very long.  I wept the whole train ride home from Ffm.  I am at the point where I hope that I don’t end up living for very much longer.  That doesn’t mean that I will kill myself, I could never bring myself to do that.  I sort have a feeling that the end is near, how near, I don’t know.  I just don’t think that my sad existence is sustainable.  If it does come, I just hope it is over quickly.

When I get lonely, which is pretty much all the time now, I am reminded of everything I gave up to be able to make myself happy, to transition.  Is it all worth it?  I am not so convinced it is.  I have achieved a level of harmony between my mind and body that I could never have imagined.  Trouble is, everything else in my life has turned to shit because of it.  I feel like I am starting over, not from zero, but somewhere less than zero.  I can understand totally why some trans people decide to go stealth, break off all contact with their old life and start somewhere totally new.  I guess that is still an option.  Maybe walking away from the fragmented life somehow makes the pain easier to deal with, in that the fragments aren’t there any more to remind you of what once was and is not really anymore, just fleeting memories. It cannot be the same ever again.  It is becoming seldom that the fragments of my life come to me, but rather when I decide to go to them.  It almost feels as though nobody really wants to deal with me anymore and who I have become.  It’s my own fault.  I willingly killed off their Christopher.  I feel sometimes that they liked him more than me.  I have always been Christine; it is just easier to see me now.

The doubts that I though would linger till the end of my days are pretty much gone.  The simpler things like companionship are becoming harder to live without.  Right now it almost seems that to stick it out living my old miserable life as a male was a better option.  But I know it isn’t.  I can’t and don’t want to go back.  That is sure.  I try to hold out hope that the rest of my life will get better someday, but the waiting is very difficult.  I feel very isolated.  My whole life seems like just a big waste.  I am wretched facsimile of a female.

crying game

I just checked and found that I haven’t wept in a month.  That corresponds with my BUM’s promise to lay bare the CA’s trickery to upper management.  It seemed to work.  But that story has seen too much press over the past months.  I have been feeling lonely lately, always, but nowadays I don’t get all hung up on it and cry.  I think I am getting used to being alone again.  The time after I moved to Detroit was difficult up to the point that I met Kpo.  All the friends that I ever had in Detroit before then were all having to do with my job.  Friends and colleagues are always a good thing.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the true friends that are also workmates very much.

I visited with my financial advisor and insurance lady tonight.  WE spent more time chatting than we did with my finances.  That was cool.  Tonight was the first time she saw me as me.  I had been honest with her up front because I have somewhat special financial needs being a transwoman.  She was interested in me and what I was up against with work and all, and as another person also.  I could almost sense that not all was well with her, and it wasn’t, so I found out.  Her man was away for four months working in Argentina and over that time she fell out of love with him.  We discussed long distance relationships and relationships in general for a while.  She really opened up to me.  It felt good that I was able to have a conversation with her like that.  I felt that I was able to totally relate to her feelings, and I had something constructive to say.  In the past I have felt a bit adept in some, quote, female-female situations.  I felt like tonight I was having a deep conversation with a close friend.  I think we will get together for a coffee or a glass of wine sometime soon.

When I was loading up my bike to go see my FA, the guy who tried to convince me to come home with him walked by.  He was staring at me and nodding his head toward his apartment.  He was wearing some sort of black and red track suit, eewww!  I just smiled and shook my head as I rode away.

I wore my new camper heels today and I am regretting it.  I have to get some gel inserts for the balls of my feet.  Or not wear a heel higher than an inch.  I am tall enough anyway.  I wore the trousers that I bought last week and a blouse that I bought last night.  I did well last night at H&M.  I went there to only get a blouse to wear with the new suit, and ended up buying 75E worth of stuff.  I got a trench coat in old pink for 20E, a navy blue hip length double breasted cotton jacket for 12E, two button down blouses for 15E each, and finally a nude colored bra to wear under a white blouse.  I felt and looked good today.  I have always liked the tailored trouser and button down blouse look on other women.  Today I am that other woman, her name is Christine.

produktivität

I have been a very productive girl today. I did all the things I have been putting off, all of them important. There is still more to go, but at least today was a start. I organized all my paperwork that had been piling up for the last two months. I dug out all the information that the tax attorney needs to finish my taxes. I ended up having to print out like seventeen cancelled checks to show payment for my therapy sessions in the US. I needed badly to get my financial docs in order, and today I did it. I have an appointment with my financial advisor on Tuesday, so I also got all the info together regarding my name change and new German social security number. I need desperately to finish changing my name with the landlord, utilities, etc.

I took the time to write the letter to my health insurance company informing them officially that I am transsexual. My friend Michaela told me Friday night that the health insurance will pay for electrolysis after your name change. That kinda lit the fire under my ass to get me going. Because electrolysis is not only painful, it is expensive. It all adds up in a hurry. I am glad I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going again this week on Thursday to do my upper lip and chin areas, such fun. I am hoping she can get it done in an hour. The growth is starting to fade away slowly.

After therapy on Tuesday in Ffm I went to camper to try on some new shoes. They didn’t have the black shoes in my size so I bought something similar in brown. I plan to buy a couple more pairs in the next couple of weeks. Then my fall shoe requirement will be met. I want to dress a bit fancier this fall and winter. I went over to H&M to see what they had not expecting to find very much, but I ended walking out with a matching beige plaid jacket, trousers, and skirt. They had other nice stuff but I only had time for one outfit. I decided that I will get my shoes, and buy some cheaper clothes to get me through the immediate needs. Some H&M will do the job.

The trip to Japan will be decided this week. I may not be going so soon after all. I remembered the other day, like an epiphany, that I get a free round trip back home on the company dime. That eases the tension about the want to travel to visit friends and family and the money situation. I need to get away for a couple of weeks.

I am happy with what I accomplished today.

Obsession

I’m getting uptight and I need to slow down and relax.  To those of you, who have written to me, thanks for the support and I will get back to you soon.  Effective time management has never been a strong point of mine.  I am much better at procrastinating.

Being interested in fashion and looking and feeling good is a curse.  I have been trying to make all the clothing that I need so that I can save some money, and to have something constructive to do with my free time.  I have just about finally made everything that I need as far as summer clothes and fall is at the doorstep.  I have to switch over to heavier and warmer fabrics and start on a fall wardrobe.  The main thing I am worried about is my trip to Japan in three weeks.  I have no warm weather business attire and it is supposed to be rather warm and humid still in Kyoto.  I have been on the fence whether or not to just buy some clothes or to try to make something myself.  Skirts and pants are not so difficult for me, but it’s the jacket that I haven’t fit yet.  I suppose a dress isn’t out of the question either.  I am worried about fitting a jacket or blazer.  First of all because it takes a lot more work and I have had only bad luck in the past.  I have been successful at making jersey tops, trouser shorts, skirts, jeans, and a jean jacket.  I am dreading starting a fitted suit jacket, but I must do it at some point.  I am putting too much pressure on myself.  But I want to make a good impression when I am in Kyoto.  I want to be fashionable business chic.  I am such a pro its not even funny.  Kpo, I guess you were right all along.

I have been trying to get an idea of where the fashion is headed for this fall so I can get a jump on it.  I have noticed that the forties style pumps with the chunky triangular heel will be hot this fall.  I lust after them.  I love the fashion from the forties.  I have a slight obsession with the suits that the leading ladies in the forties and fifties films wore.  They were always nicely fitted and expertly tailored.  Edith Head is a god.  I want to be able to make my own designs come to life.  I have so many so nice wools that have been wrapped up for two years or more that are crying to be tailored into something nice.  Building a whole new wardrobe is becoming a real bitch.  I never could have imagined how many staples I don’t have but would like to have.  I have done a good job of not buying too much clothing and sticking only to buying shoes, which I am unable to make.

I have been getting a little uptight about money again.  I was hoping to be able to save some money to get my bald spots fixed up, but I am not getting anywhere.  I have been re-thinking about how much money I am tucking away every month in my retirement account.  I should probably have a separate account for special things like fixing my hair, getting rid of this hideous carpet, a dining table, etc.  I guess now that fall is almost here, I don’t really have to worry about going swimming, which is my biggest worry with my hair.  I know this all sounds really vain, but there are things that bother me.  I am happy with the rest of me except for the penis, slow breast growth, and my facial hair.  The facial hair I am working on continuously, which is also draining my pocketbook.  I had been going just about every two weeks but now I will be going every week.  I figure the more I go, the sooner all the pain and financial strain will be over.  If I had to guess how many hours I have suffered through so far I would say somewhere around 70 hours over three years.  I have probably done thirty of those hours just in the last six months.  70 hours at €55 an hour comes out to €3850.  That’s quite an investment in pain I must say.  I probably will be doing this up until Xmas.  I hope to be done by then.  Then I will worry about the nether regions.

I hope I will get some money back from my German taxes, but I am not really counting on it.  I should be happy despite my relative poorness because I am debt free, and there’s a certain freedom that goes with it.  I am a perfectionist at heart and I want everything to be perfect, which I know is not realistic, but I strive for it anyway.  I have learned to be more realistic with my expectations but sometimes it gets the better of me.  I think I should discuss my obsessive-ness with my therapist tomorrow, and afterwards go look at the new fall Campers…

turk plus

A really greasy turk just tried to pick me up at the plus grocery store.  I saw him a couple of days ago on my side street staring at me as I rode by.  He got in line right behind me in the checkout and was trying to convince me to come home with him.  I am pretty sure he wanted to take me home because I am trans.  I have facial hair for Pete’s sake.  I am growing out my cheek hair for electrolysis and it’s getting long.  He was close enough to me to see it a couple of times.  I got a little pissed because I felt like he thought I was a slut or something.  Go home with him after meeting him five minutes before?  fuck-off.  I like girls anyway.  If this was ten years ago I probably would have done it without thinking.  I’m sure I will see him around again, he lives about five buildings away on Adelungstrasse.  He was really hot on me.  It felt good that someone was attracted to me, but he was gross.  Even if I liked men, I still wouldn’t go home with him.

The most disturbing thing about it was that I actually contemplated going home with him for a split second.  I attribute that momentary lapse of reason to the fact that I haven’t had sex with another person in over three years.  Hmmm.  That means that in the last ten years I have only been with one person.  Interesting.  If you looked at my track record before that, you would be mildly disturbed.  I am ashamed of some of the things I have done in the past.  And when I looked into his eyes I could see the faces of the men that did get me home with them.  I was a bit mixed up back then.  All those times meeting Rita to go in town to the tranny bars.  Seedy days in Boston relived.  No thank you.  Although the scene in Boston opened my eyes to a lot of things trans, I still maintain that I am fortunate that I didn’t transition back then.  I probably would have died long ago of aids or some other STD, or murdered like Rita.

I am happy with myself that I was able to resist his come-ons without effort.  I didn’t even feel any excitement from it.  It took me a couple of seconds to realize what was going on with him and the bubble popped.  That’s exactly the type of grease ball that I don’t want to go home with.  I guess I can make that a rule.  No going home with guys that want to have anal sex with you.  That just makes good sense especially for your mental health.  I have been getting down because I have been feeling like the only people who are interested in me right now are guys like him, and he proved my theory.  I don’t get girls hitting on me wanting to take me home.  Not that I would expect such behavior from a female.

I was thinking of going to the gay & lesbian disco last night to give it another try.  I didn’t go, but I might go next week.  The last time I went to the disco was last summer right around now.  In the couple of times that I went, one girl and one guy talked to me.  I don’t think the girl was really interested in me.  I want to try it out again to see what happens.  I look much better now in comparison to last year.  I am guaranteed to be one of a kind there, or anywhere for that matter.  It just makes me unique I guess.  I am one of the very few who is foolish enough to dabble in gender changing.

I was contemplating getting involved with the women’s cultural center here in town.  Mari had invited me to go to a Frauen bar night at the center a couple of months ago.  She volunteered to bartend that night, but I backed out.  I should have gone.  I don’t feel comfortable going there by myself.  I have a fear of groups of hard core feminist lesbians.  I am probably just making a big deal out of nothing again, but I will wait until Mari goes with me.  I don’t want to be lynched in the herrengarten or at the very least made to feel bad because I am not a “real” woman.  Maybe I should stop being so paranoid.

Anyway, I am at the very least happy that I had the pride and will power to avoid a bad mistake.  I don’t need any setbacks now.