autostadt

I am on a train to wolfsburg to visit VW with Fredi and Thilo. The last train we were on had a wifi hotspot. It didn’t work so well though and is really expensive. I think I will check into whether or not my internet service at home has the option to log on to the hotspots, because it is the same provider. I have the feeling it would end up being expensive and not very good quality. I want to check into I though just to see.

This is going to be a long day. I got up at 5.15 am and was at the bahnhof at 7.15 am, our train departed at 7.23 am. We will arrive in wolfsburg at 10.15 am, then we will be at VW werk for lunch and meetings and then our train home departs at 16.55. We will be back in darmstadt at 20.30. I hope we will make our train to go home on time. Fredi is always animated and very talkative, I am used to it, I just hope the rest today can hang.

I brought my laptop so that I could write while I have the idle time on the train. I also read through my psych evaluation this morning. I will have to read it a couple more times before I can really comprehend it. I understood what everything was that they wrote, but the general theme I need to understand better. It seems as though they may have sort of tailored my answers into a prescribed model of a classic genuine transsexual. There are lots of inaccuracies that I will have to correct. My sexual history at first seemed incorrect, but now that I have read the rest, I think their focus on my contextual homosexuality was just setting up a premise for their later conclusions. I will probably correct the factual mistakes and then try to discuss with them if there is a strategy to their formulation of the document. I can say that the results and conclusions and recommendations are all positive and hopefully will be enough to get me approved for the insurance to pay for my surgery.

I was just standing outside the wolfsburg bahnhof smoking and there was a blonde girl there also smoking. She reminded me of sophia with her platinum hair and the color of her skin. I was reminded of how envious of the girls that I dated I was. I liked being with them and found it comforting, but I always harbored jealousy or envy that they were born female and I wasn’t. I loved it when they dressed up nice to go out somewhere, but that was when my jealousy would peak. I wanted so badly to be able to put on that stereotypical little black dress with nice stockings and heels and to look and feel elegant. I wanted to be the arm candy.

Even though it is sometimes difficult to come to terms with my gender transition, I am very glad that I finally decided to get off my dead ass and to do something constructive about it. Now I am the arm candy like I always wanted to be. The way I feel now goes beyond the mere cliché of arm candy though. When I dress up wearing a dress and stockings, rarely heels, I feel so nice and sexy and elegant. I enjoy the feeling that I get when I feel like I am all put together. The feeling is sort of confirmation for me that I am a female in spirit, and now also in body as well, or real close anyway.

It’s difficult to explain the way living as a female makes me feel. I have for most of my life secretly envied other females for simply being female. I wanted to be female so badly, it was just about killing me inside. In retrospect, I wonder why I didn’t act on the desire sooner. I knew it for years that I was a transsexual. Perhaps fear was the stifling factor. It seems ridiculous to me now that I somehow tried to live with such feelings, even knowing full well that they were not ever going to go away. I have the feeling that I have already covered this ground perhaps many times in the past on this blog. But a coherent description or explanation of my exact feelings eludes me. It has always been difficult for me to put into words how I feel, but I definitely think trying helps a lot.

I took way too much time away from my writing; it has become very obvious to me. I miss the dialog that I have with myself and how it helps me to understand what goes on in my life and the world around me. I will try to keep this going at the frequency that I used to blog in the beginning. It is also an incentive that my nUN01 thoroughly enjoys reading my writing. So I will try to keep on track.

The visit at vw went well, we actually got out of there earlier than planned, an extra bonus. I got to see the machines that I designed that are in the process of being installed. They look nice and clean and new. After a week of running tests they will turn all grey after being covered with a fine fog of transmission oil and dust. I was warned today that I will probably have to go to kassel again to visit vw there, where the other test machines are being installed. They want to change the design of the cable canals that are already installed. A bit late I think. They will have to pay for that one for sure. I have developed and aversion to visiting the customers in kassel. One of them did send an email with praise for me that I listen to them and I am flexible and oriented on their needs. To me customer satisfaction and their trust in my abilities are my main objectives in designing my machines.

I need to make some more jeans. I want to design some nice cropped pairs and also some flared and some with cargo pockets. I like all the skirts that I have made recently, but I also want to make a pencil skirt. I think that would make me feel extra sexy. I am sick of having to wear the control shorts that I use to bind my genitals. I only need to wear it when I wear a skirt because it flattens the area of where a bulge could show. It’s very restrictive and to look at me when I am wearing it, it looks and feels as though I don’t have any external genitalia. I tuck my oversized clit (penis) and labia (scrotum) between my legs and the testes go into little pockets above my penis. All very neat and tidy. Just like the transmen burn their breast binders after having their breasts removed, I will burn my control shorts after I have surgery. I can’t wait for that day to come, and it should come soon.

man am I in love…

evaluation obscura

I went to Ffm today to meet with my therapist to submit the paperwork that I had to collect. I had a letter from my endocrinologist, urologist, physician, self assessment, and the letter I sent to my extended family. I had to have the self assessment and the family letter translated into german by a woman in vienna. german always reads a bit cold to me, no matter how well it is written. She did a good job, but it is costing me a lot. I probably should have got a second opinion on the cost. Oh well, what’s done is done. I will know better next time. Both versions will be submitted.

He handed me a copy of the report to read and give feedback on. I had to refresh his memory about the amount of time it could take until I have srs from the point the evaluation is submitted. The timing of course depends on a positive judgment by the MDK. 12 months worst case. He seemed a bit too convinced that I will get approval, he started telling me how often I should visit with a shrink after surgery as if it was already in the bag. I just want the paperwork to be submitted already. The time that it will take to get a yay or a nay from the MDK is also stressful waiting time. I should start to prepare myself for a possible negative answer. I’m not quite sure what plan b looks like yet, but I had better come up with something.

We started discussing why I have been down in the dumps lately. I tried to explain to him that I feel like parts of my life are in a static state. I told him I became depressed after I returned to work after vacation. Being hit with the raging chaos at work, further delays by him, winter grayness, and relationship ripples were on my mind. I tried again to make him understand that my mobility is greatly limited if I want to continue with the health insurance route I am derailed on. I will begin to plan my future once I have a surgery date. Since I have no control of the timing, I have to sit and try to wait patiently. I don’t like very much not being able to plan my life. I got frustrated and started tearing up, so I changed the subject to my physical healthcare problems. Something positive in my life at least to talk about other than the NUn01. I knew before going there that I wouldn’t be able to get through to him, I tried anyway and then gave up. It wasn’t worth me getting upset about something I can nothing about.

I began reading the evaluation and became irritated that there were so many errors in my biographical information, not limited to simple in context math mistakes. For example, my father’s birth year was incorrect, but the year he died and his age were correct. If you are able to do simple subtraction in your head you can easily notice the numbers don’t work out. Reading my sexual history made me angry too. It seemed they focused way too much on the homosexual experiences that I had before transition. They just kinda breezed over my heterosexual experiences as if they were a trivial note. If you would have asked me back then how I identified back then, I would have said heterosexual in theory, but bisexual in behavior. I still contend that the only times I ever did anything with men was when I was cross-dressed, and there was a reason for that. I knew they would want to treat me like a female and want to have sex with me as an exchange for their affection. I guess that was my only outlet where I could receive affirmation of my inner feelings. You can believe me if I had the choice to be with a woman in that situation I would have preferred it. I usually felt disgusted with myself after doing something sexually with men. I did get aroused, but I think that when one has testosterone coursing through their viens, sex is sex. It doesn’t matter with who or what, as long as the desire has been satisfied. I have always had a guilty feeling about the men I had sex with because it never felt entirely right to me. I had always felt entirely comfortable with most of the women I had relationships with. The closest thing that I ever had with anyone remotely male in terms of a period of time longer than a night was with rita. She doesn’t count though because she was like me. I have always been a girl who fancies other girls. I will have to write a more accurate account of my sexual history for them and correct all the factual mistakes.

On a different theme, there is a pet peeve of mine that I have been meaning to get out. I get very irritated when I see someone wearing an obviously expensive suit jacket, and you can tell it is expensive by the maker’s label still basted on the sleeve. People that buy expensive suit jackets that don’t know enough that the label comes off before wearing are too ignorant to deserve wearing such a quality garment. I feel better that I got that off my chest.

wetwesterwerk

I’m on my way back from dutchyland once again. I did another one nighter with the nuNO1. the first time was when we first started seeing each other last july. that time we went to a queer pirate party in scheveningen. this time was in osnabruck. an old friend of the nUNo1 invited her to come and play at an autonomous space where they had techno dj’s and a room with punk too. the djs played old school techno that reminded me of the raves in detroit ten years ago. I noticed that my tolerance for throbbing bass is not so good anymore. maybe it was because I wasn’t dancing? dunno. anyway, I had a goed time with my girlfriend. she drove the banana van and I took several sucky trains, with the last hour being the worst.

I’m listening to the dead kennedys since I am wearing my tough boots, I figure I should live the part. I haven’t showered today, and last night I slept a few hours in the van outside the venue. After she and UlI picked me up from the bahnhof, we had to set up the screens and the beamer at the venue. the screen proved to be not such a problem, but we needed a beamer hanging board since there was no place to set it on to get the projection size to fit. we got everything set up and then went to get something to eat at osna donner. we had pizza and HoLg had a donner teller that looked very delicious and quite large. the guys running the place were both relatively dark skinned with long jet black hair. they looked really suave like the guy at haso.

we had to pick a cable after dinner and then went back to the venue to start playing. By 12.30 the place really started to fill up. It seemed as though there were a lot of relatively young people there, or maybe I’m just getting old. it was fun just the same. her friends were really cool and fun. They really know how to throw a party. we had all the stuff we could drink given to us, but I only had a half a beck’s. I think I went to bed at 2 and then the vidnone joined me an hour or so later. I was warm enough and slept very well for the time that I managed to get in. She drove for a while at first and then I drove us into hamsterdam. I kinda messed up with the driving and we had to switch right quick before a tram tried to ram us. we had some time before she had to start work, so we went to DeBalie for a coffee and a chat.

The NunO1 went to work and I went to centraal station to buy my ticket to get home tonight. I caught a tram to the station that was full of french guys, or at least that is the way it seemed. I got there and the number I drew was up next and it took no time at all to get the ticket. I got a coffee and a cinnamon bun and headed for the tram back to leidseplein. I tried to get on the tram with the coffee in my hand and the conductor just about had a conniption fit and told me to get off. I finished it while the rest of the people boarded, and then got on. I ate the cinnamon bun on the walk over to paradise where my baba was.

she finished her set up and then we went to fuel up and bring the van back to its favorite parking space at the noorderdok. we put some fuel in at the filling station owned and run by women. they always have their fuel a few cents lower than other stations. we got back to the parking spot just as the ferry was about to shove off. We cleaned up a bit and kissed some while we waited for the next one. We took a tram to the damned together and we said ciao in the foyer of her building. It was too bad we didn’t have more time together. I went up to her place and made myself some old cheese eggs, saatenbrot toast, and some coffee. I am addicted to saatenbrot. I left her a short note since I couldn’t send an sms since I forgot my phone at home. I was a bit lonely there because there didn’t seem to be any one else home. no emos. jade was laying in a puddle of her own urine in the hall. I wondered where her mother was. It wasn’t jade’s fault, a dog can only hold it for so long before it has to go. her mother should pay better attention to her.

I had a smoke and then it was time to catch a tram to centraal station. I made it there in time to get a bottle of water and chocomel. I almost went for another coffee, but opted to have a quick smoke and get a coffee once on the train. My reserved seat was the very first seat in the cockpit directly behind the driver. the whole first car was almost totally empty, so I decided to sit a table since my original seat was in wagen 21 seat 11. too many unlucky numbers for me to chance. So here I sit writing about my weekend drinking my chocomel and thinking about my baba. I miss her already.

our dynamic works very well most of the time and therefore we are able to work together quite well. we are able to really make anything work when we are in tune with each other. sometimes we’re not so in tune, but that is to be expected I suppose. things can’t go perfect all the time, that would be too idealistic to expect. it seems as though even through our problems our love for each other continues to evolve and become stronger, and therefore we become ever more attached. she inspires me to want to take chances and not live such a safe life. I have always been able to think for myself, but sometimes I had a difficult time setting the thought into motion.

this past week I have been trying to find time to write a list of all the things I need to get taken care of, but I still haven’t managed to get to writing it. I wanted also to bake some biscotti this weekend, but since I went to meet my kRoc I will have to postpone the activity until some night this week. Now that I have interest in cooking there are lots of things I want to try my hand at making myself. I can’t wait until I can start eating potatoes again. I often don’t even think about potatoes anymore since I haven’t been eating them. I found out the nice hot shrimp soup from the chinese grocery has lots of MSG in it. not nice like. I think I will try to make my own noodles and spice them with miso paste and ground red chili peppers. I should try to find a recipe for my favorite super spicy thai coconut soup. Usually I have it with chicken when I eat it out, but I could make it with tofu I suppose.

I have been trying lately to show my strength as a woman, especially with the love of my life. I have to change my tendency toward submissiveness, as it is not possible for me to agree with everything she says, and when I don’t then I need to say so. I am working on it. She thinks that she can push cherrini around, but she aint so tough, and I think sometimes I am tougher than her. I am tough.

osnamsterdamned

I am on an ICE on my way to dortmund where I will change trains and ride on to osnabruck to meet NuN01, I hope. I hope that she will have no problem with her van on her way to get me. We really haven’t driven the van since we went to berlin in the beginning of oktober. We had some problems with the headlights not working so well. In fact it was burning up fuses, or melting them at least. I ended up driving most of the way back to amsterdam while giuliana slept. We had a nice time that trip except that we were fighting for part of it and I got sick. It is not so easy between us, even now. We try not to make things complicated, but I think whereas I still have a penis makes a difference somehow. It just gets in the way. It makes me feel really good that we communicate well, and sometimes argue, but when all is said and done we still love each other very much. We are working on solutions to our differences which I find also very positive. positivissimo.

This was sort of an unplanned trip today. Sort of a spur of the moment type thing. I wanted to invite helmut and christiane and marion to dinner tonight originally. But I decided I would spend time and money to be with my kroc. I instead invited helmut and christiane over to my place last night for dinner. Marion is since two weeks back in french guyana on a business trip. I decided to make a red aubergine sauce with whole wheat pasta and fenchel salad with olive oil. I was a bit out of it to begin with the cooking. I made a big mess with frying the aubergines as usual. I didn’t make nearly enough to make a really good sauce. The sauce was so-so, but I finally broke out my wine carafe with the wide bottom that maximizes the surface area of the wine to maximize the aeration. It worked very well.

After dinner I served espresso and helmut and christiane had a small glass of ouzo and I had a shot of grappa. I broke out my old stainless steel bialetti that I haven’t used in a few years. It worked fine. We sat around the table drinking coffee and smoking and bullshitting about capitalism and how it has destroyed germany since the wall came down. After we finished with the coffee, helmut opened the second bottle of wine. The first bottle was finished with dinner; a nice bottle of rijoha from the region of crianza 2003 was the vintage. The second bottle was a bottle of merlot from ernest and julio gallo also 2003 vintage which I received as a birthday gift from the jerk walter that gave me so much trouble a year and a half ago. I swore the next day after he gave it to me that I would crack it open the day that he was to leave us for good. He sort of just disappeared one day and no one really even noticed he was not there. I was a bit skeptical as I usually am with american wines, but after it breathed a bit it tasted just fine. it wasn’t as good as the rijoha, but it was nice just the same.

Last night was the first time in two and a half years that I have been living in my apartment that christiane has come by. I guess I never invited her for whateva reason. Perhaps I was a bit put off by marion telling me that I made a mistake deciding to rent the place that I did. marion hadn’t been there since the first time she came to see the place. I have been going over their place usually for dinner every once in a while. I was happy to have them over and to entertain. It was a very nice time. We killed the second bottle of wine at 12.30 and they left me at 1.00 to go home.

crack flavoured coconut

I just cracked a coconut on the kitchen floor to harvest its meat, but not before drinking its milk. you can tell a fresh one by how much air it takes in when you open one of its eyes. alnatura has the best coconuts around. lekker. i eat a coconut a week, when I am able to find them. Nun01 showed me how to crack them. luckily the buildings are all concrete here, so smashing the coconut on the kitchen floor is very effective and only damages the coconut. this one was really hard to crack. I won though, in the end.

I guess I will die healthy, or healthier. I’m not sure. I have been drinking very little alcohol, mostly limited to a glass of red wine and rarely a beer. I drink lots of really strong coffee out of tiny cups. since the nuNo1 is idddalian, coffee has become an essential part of life. thank the dog for bialetti moka express espresso makers. its so temping to overdose on espresso cause it tastes so goooood. I have been experimenting with making soy lattes, yummy.

a couple of weeks ago I experimented with a recipe for indian style lentils. I was impressed with myself that I had all the spices required. it called for cinnamon, ground cumin, turmeric, ground extra hot red chili, cardamom, and cloves. I used beluga lentils cause they are so black and wonderful tasting. it had just the right amount of heat, but I will double up on the other spices next time. I also tried to make chipati or papadams. they were really tasty. they had lots of fresh ground black pepper and garlic. I ate the lentils over a few days for dinner and every day I got better at rolling the papadams. I enjoyed that dish very much. the papadams were the most difficult part.

I haven’t bought any meat to cook in a long time. I usually eat just veggies and/or tofu. i eat meat at lunch at work for the protein. I have eaten potatoes only twice in the past seven weeks. for breakfast I have been eating self mixed musli, consisting of; rolled kamut, rolled rice, sliced almonds, coconut slivers, and some raisins for a bit of sweetness. I eat it alternately with unsweetened and sometimes sweetened soy milk. I like to eat some toast with almond butter too, saatenbrot is the good stuff. it is full of seeds and whole grains and totally brown. I have to toast it a couple of times until it gets the right crispiness. and of course a really nice cup of lavazza espresso to go with it.

I have lost lots of weight over the past several months. I was always typically floating between 165 and 170lbs for the past two or three years. I am down to 150lbs. over the past two weeks I have been 150 and 154, depending. I have lost most of my body fat. I like how my body looks, but I know if I go any lower, I will not be well. I haven’t been trying to lose any weight, it has just sort of been going away on its own. I eat three meals a day, every day. I try really hard not to skip any meals. its amazing how many calories of sugar an average person like me ate on a daily basis. you don’t really notice it until its gone. the weight loss started when I had problems with my intestinal flora dying off. the flora is now alive and well and I try to support it as best I can. I learned that having a healthy gut also means having a strong immune system.

tonight was supposed to be a list writing night of all the things I need to take care of in the next bit of time. things seem to be piling up. I decided that I can’t have much influence on the chaos at work, but I can manage it in my private life. I am nearing finally having my paperwork to apply for surgery. I have been waiting on it for many, many months now. my therpist is still dragging his feet big time. it seems as though my evaluation is the most difficult thing he has had to compose in his career. I was promised to have the documents in hand before xmas, then january 9, then january 14, then january 28, now it seems I will get it by the end of february. one can probably guess that I am not at all happy with the situation.

since I have been back home and working again after five weeks vacation, i have become very depressed. things hadn’t been going exactly well on the relationship front either. we are working on things together and I am convinced that we will find solutions. we love each other very much and have trouble being separated from each other. thank the dog for skype video calls. and the calls are free. I seriously doubt that our realtionship would have survived this long if it weren’t for video calls. I know it helps me a lot to be able to see her, even if I am not able to touch her.

I was in a deep funk the past two weeks. I was sick with some sort of virus the week I started back at work. I missed two days that week. I was relieved to not be traveling anymore and to be back in my place for a bit. but I missed being with the aquanun. there were some issues that were eating at me, and we had a discussion when she came to visit me. we weren’t really able to solve anything at that particular moment, but at least we both had a chance to express ourselves and to get a better understanding of how we are both feeling. communication is very essential, especially when you’re dealing with krocodiles.

I have been discouraged by the fact that some very important parts of my life have been static. namely the surgery evaluation and my job. I went to a kickoff meeting for the new order from VW, and it started almost exactly as the previous one. chaotic. too many questionable issues that the guy who sold it couldn’t answer. the answers will surely be costly ones. I have a trip scheduled with fredi and thilo for next wednesday to go to VW in wolfsburg. the factory there is like a small city. everything VW. a positive point from the previous project is the cutting edge design that I engineered. the machine is in the final stages of assembly on our shop floor. I am anxious to see it run up to full speed to see if it stays together. it should. if it works, it will be the only machine of its kind, at least in any of the auto manufacturers’arsenal of testing equipment. that design again challenged my engineering skills, and I am proud of the results.

it may be because I am down that I notice more people being insensitive to me and my gender. just yesterday I was making a latte in the cafeteria and one of the sometimes friendly staff walked by and I said what the germans say at lunchtime, and she said the same thing back ending with “der herr”, which means “the man” instead of “die damen”. I get kicked sometimes when I try to be nice to others. she was undoubtedly not even paying attention to me and her autopilot decided because of my voice I was a male. I have been trying to simply avoid those persons that do not respect me. sometimes trying to be nice only gets returned with something negative.

I was in amsterdam last weekend with the crocomelious. once the storm on friday night blew over, we had a nice time together. we watched a nice movie about gay cowboys. we drank some nice rosso di montalcino, and ate bimi broccoli with pasta and a nice fennel salad. I also helped the bleeding nun wash lots of dishes for four hours and was disintegrated by the time it was over. I haven’t worked that hard in a while. it was an idddalian restaurant so I pigged out on the biscotti and coffee. we also ate some nice thai food and bought some really nice gay pink tulips. I also got some good olive oil and almond butter and probiotics too.

I am going to end this now and go to bed. rest assured that I will be posting more in the future. I have this nice black new thinkpad to do damage with. I got the one you can go swimming with. not really, but woteva. I like it. I have some writing that I did on a newer trial version of word that I will post if I can figure out a way to read them again. I have no excuses now. I am in love…deeply

finding balance

Historical note:I wrote this on the train to hamsterdam on the 29^th of December ‘07 with the aquanun that I got for xmas in July by my side. It doesn’t quite end in any particular way, but for want of posting, I’m cutting some corners…

I have been on the candida diet for a month now and I feel so much better in lots of ways. I haven’t been exposed to a lot of stress either, which also helps. I have so much more energy than in the past months. The biggest indication that I my immune system is getting stronger is the fact that after being in an airplane four times, including two international flights, I did not get a sinus infection. In the past, I could almost bet on becoming sick after exposing myself to the contaminated air in an airplane. The fact that I don’t feel at all sick is the best feeling in the world. The diet is really paying off, and having Nun01 doing the diet with me helped me stay on track. She’s the best crocomel eva!!!!

It was extra difficult to find the correct foods in the states to allow me to continue my homeopathic treatment. The worst disappointment was the lack of soy yoghurt. Yofu from alpro soja is the best, and anyone who has eaten it will surely agree. I did find a milk culture drink call Kefir that was comparable to the probiotics that I use in the dry form that I bought in the natural food shop in Amsterdam. The food in the states has become so expensive since I was there a year ago. Then again, I mostly ate out last year so maybe it was then too, but I didn’t notice. I shopped mostly at Trader Joe’s where I found some natural foods without sugar, but the selection was not so spectacular.

My daily treatment regimen is as follows:

25 drops of symbioflor morning and night

15 drops of grapefruit seed extract morning and night

2 capsules of capryllic acid morning and night

1 capsule of zinc plus vitamin C mornings

1 packet of magnesium dissolved in water mornings

1 glass of probiotics mornings

And no sugars!!!! I have been eating mostly vegetables and lots of variations of soy products. My doc even commented the last time I went to visit her that my total cholesterol was relatively low. I then explained to her that I wasn’t taking the simvastatin anymore and relying only on my diet. She seemed pleased in her own way. I was happy that she was satisfied.

In the beginning of doing the diet I was disappointed with the limited selection of foods that are allowed to be eaten. But as time has passed, I have become accustomed to what I can and can’t eat. The hardest time I had was when I went to a supermarket in Massachusetts. I got all cranky because I looked at a package of wheat and gluten free ginger snaps only to find that it had brown sugar in the ingredients. There were lots of soy and rice milk there, but we couldn’t find an unsweetened one. The only place that we found it was at tj’s.

NuN01 made lots of food and I tried to help out as much as possible. Xmas with the whole family was a lot of fun. She made some nice home made pasta with mushroom cream sauce. I did cheat a bit on my diet, but just for that one day. There were far too many nice sweets to pass by. I tried to look at it as a reward for not eating any sugar the whole month before. I spoke with my aunt ann about the diet, and she told me she tried but couldn’t do it. It had been too difficult for her. I told her what I was doing as far as treatments and she said that I was doing everything I could possibly do.