Memories of Rita

I have been meaning to do this for a while. I was scanning pictures today and came across these photos and letter from my friend Rita from Boston. She was murdered on November 28, 1998. Her killer has never been found. I had known her since 1993, I had met her the first night that I had ventured to the combat zone in Biston to Playland, a seedy tranny bar. I would venture into town to visit with her and we would often go to Jacque’s and afterwards, Playland. On the ride back to her apartment she would always make me buy her some duck at Dynasty in chinatown. I write this with fond memories of the times we spent together. She sent me this letter late in February 1998, after I had visited her during the holidays. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever see her again. Click on the letter to enlarge.

May you rest in peace, Rita. I hope your murder does not go unsolved and your murderer unpunished. I love you and miss you very much.

Motivation

I'm feeling motivated today. I want to go to Karstadt and buy some new sewing scissors, since I lost the ones I had to security when I flew here. I had put a small sewing kit in my small roll away knapsack, planning on checking it, but inadvertently ending up having to carry it on. Damn lateness. In my panic to catch my flight I had forgotten that I had the sharps in there, whereas I could have taken the little sewing kit out and put it in one of the other checked bags. Anyway, that is ancient history now and I need to get some new scissors so I can start sewing again.

I also want to go to Bauhaus or Praktiker today to look at paint chips, anchoring screws, and check on a carpet cleaner. I am getting sick of looking at empty, dirty walls. I have definitely noticed just how bad the air is here in DA since I got back from Samos. I hope that I can find some paint that will cover up all the exhaust soot on the walls. Here it is customary to paint all walls and ceilings will water color rather than latex paint. It is virtually impossible to wash the walls because the water color will wash off. Doesn't make much sense to me. The only rooms that get latex paint are the kitchen and bath. I have some serious work to do in the bath, paticularly in the shower. I also want to get a new low consumtion shower head. I like long hot showers, but the water costs here are extremely high. I am in need of some strong anchors so that I can install the lighting that I have bought recently. It's time to get this place in shape before the weather turns, although the weather here this summer has been a bit shit.

I had a meeting yesterday that lasted all day. It was going fine until DW came in. He's the department manager and usually just comes around when its convenient for him, with his own agenda regardless of what the actual agenda is. TB, our purchasing dept manager complemented me on my German language skills after the meeting broke up. He gave me sort of a strange look after I snapped back at DW for a cheap shot he delivered. TB thought that I had only been here since the end of May, and was very surprised that I had already lived here for two years. DW is always criticizing my designs, which would normally be ok if it was constructive. He seems to like to make me feel that americans don't know how to properly design a machine. Funny that all the machines that I have designed here and in the states have worked just fine and still are, but nevertheless he still gets under my skin. I want to confront him someday about it but I'm not sure if it will really be of mush use. Maybe when I come out to him I will ask him why, or at least let him know that I don't like his negative criticisms. They usually come out when we are sitting in a room full of people. I have known him since 97, when he totally embarassed our project team in front of an american customer. My first experience working with him was a disaster. He's a snake, or rather a salesman, but he does have a compassionate side to him. I've only seen this side of him a couple of times, whereas normally he's an asshole and just can't help it. He makes me feel as though nothing is ever good enough for him.

Heike and I were in our office two weeks ago when she got the news about her son, and was weeping. I was also teary as well. DW began rubbing her shoulders and was trying to console her. I didn't know he had the capacity to do such a thing. I like such surprises. Heike told me yesterday that her son was to undergo another round of chemo starting next week and that she wouldn't be in the office for a couple of weeks, or indefinitely. That made me sad. I told her that I looked forward to the days when she was there, and that I would miss her. I offered her to call me if I could do anything for her and her family during this trying time. She again reinforced how important she felt it to be that I tell my supervisor Jens about myself. Mari and I gave her a hug as she was leaving. I hope everything turns out ok with Clemens.

At the end of the day I asked Jens to visit me in my office before he went home. He came and I told him that I wanted to discuss a personal issue outside of work with him and Beate, his wife. I also told him that the subject matter may not be appropriate for their teenage son. He said that maybe next week after work some night he would bring me home with him and we would have a little barbecue and we could talk afterwards. They are both doctors, she is an MD and he has a technical PhD. I am hoping it will go well, but I am not sure exactly what to expect. I haven't felt really as close of friends as we once were when I lived here before. Something happenned in the last year while I was back in the states.

That out of the way, I went home and wrote an email to Jen asking for her to send me some H&B aids that I can't buy here. Sometimes I feel cursed because my skin is so sensitive. I was invited to go to Christi and Mari's apartment for a Greek evening. She had planned to cook some of the saganaki they bought in Greece and also make some musaka. I decided to dress a little feminine since I assumed it was only to be them and Helmut. When I got there I felt a little embarrassed because they had invited another couple over as well. I called Marion aside before I took off my jacket and told her that I was sorry and that I didn't know any other people would be there. She reassured me that I didn't have to worry and to take my jacket off and stay. I was more worried about embarrassing them and making the others feel uncomfortable. I feel quite confident with myself and how I look and tend to worry more about how it affects the people around me. This was the first time I had dressed more feminine around Mari, Christi, and Helmut. Everything went well, but I did notice that Stephan was looking at my chest a couple of times. I was wearing my Patriots T-shirt which fits sort of snug, and my breasts, however small, were easily noticeable. It didn't really bother me, but I am sure that they were wondering what my deal was. They probably asked about me after I left. Mari was very supportive and complemented me on how feminine and thin I looked. Agian she hasn't seen me dressed like that before. She did see me on the beach of course in Greece, once totally naked as I was taking off my swim trunks to put on some dry shorts. She made a comment about a full moon. My ass is so white it shines.

I am noticing more and more that I am feeling so much more comfortable with myself and my appearance. I spoke with Jane from Heidelberg the other night about being out in public and appearance and such. She said that she couldn't go out without wearing a wig, and that she wouldn't feel comfortable wearing her hair naturally since it was so thin. My hair is thin on the top, but I try to style it so that it doesn't seem so severe. I have given up on wigs, as I never felt that it looked real enough, it always looked like a wig. My hair is starting to get thicker on top, and will probably take a year or so for all that will come back to come back. I realize I don't look totally female, but I like to present myself the way I feel comfortable regardless of what other people may think of me. To each her own. That old phrase about personal confidence and it's influence on others perception of you so far seems to be true. I have been fortunate enough so far to not have any prticularly negative experiences.

I remember a night last winter when I was invited by Jan to go to see a couple of electronic music artists down in Detroit. The evening was to start with a potluck dinner at one of his friend's house. The evening went well, but afterwards I became sad because I somehow had the feeling that "normal" evenings like that would somehow not be possible during and after transition. Last night has made me realize that it is possible to have a "normal" evneing with friends, even with people that I barely know. I was being self-defeatist by thinking and feeling that way. And also speaking with the therapist in Ffm this week I realized how well things are coming together in my head. He had also reinforced that feeling. Things are going to be ok.

I am thinking ever more about when I will begin living full time as Christine. I need to contact the US embassy in Ffm to register and also ask about how an expat can go about changing their name and documentation. I can change my name relatively easily in Massachusetts, but the passport part may or may not be difficult. I was thinking of chaging my name when I go home to visit for the holidays. But that would mean that I would have to come out at work also because I would have to change all my visa, work permit, and tax documentation here. That may be a little too soon. Perhaps next spring. I think it prudent that I wait to see what is going to happen with the new ownership of my company before I do anything. I will use my supervisor's reaction and attitude toward my transition on-the-job as a gauge of how to proceed. According to my rough plan, I was hoping to have my voice training, hair removal, and adam's apple taken care of before I go full-time. I need to get off my ass and work on these things. I went to a hair removal consultation on tuesday of this past week which turned out to be a waste of time. Their website boasted that their treatment would get rid of any color hair, even blonde. This turned out to not be the case. If I end up having to do electrolosys, I would rather do it with Ellen in Heubach, but it would be logistically difficult to get there. I could always rent a car from the DB car sharing, but that could get pretty expensive. I still have one more option to explore before going back to the torture of electrolosys.

I should probably get to showering and complete my shopping list.

Frankfurt III

I'm back from Greece and on the move. Samos was a wonderful place. I'll post some pictures on my photo blog.

Heike was at work today, I gave her the honey that I bought in Samos. She told me about the latest news regarding her son Clemens. It seems she hasn't been able to get a straight answer from the docs regarding the state of his further cancer risk. She said the possibility of furhter chemo treatments as a preventative measure may be recommended. She wasn't excited about having to make this decision. Apparently he had some nerve damage in his legs from the first chemo treatment. She was worried that additional treatments could further damage his legs and possibly affect his hearing. The other side of the coin is to do nothing and wait to see what happens. That is naturally not an easy decision. I hope that whatever the decision, that he will have the chance to live and grow.

Heike offered to drive me to Frankfurt today to my therapy visit on her way home. I have been debating whether to come out to her lately, as I work rather closely with her and I feel that I can trust her. I came out to her today, and she was very understanding and supportive. I had been sort of beating around the bush about myself and where I had been if I had a doctor appointment. I somehow gave her the impression that I was terminally ill or something. She was quite happy it was only a little gender dysphoria. I can understand where she is coming from with her son's problems and all. She was very matter of fact about it and emphasized that she had absolutely no problem with it. I am thankful for another ally. She did tell me that she thought it wise that I tell my supervisor Jens soon. I have been debating about doing just that. I'm not sure when I should do it, but I do know I should do it outside of work.

My therapy session went well. I think he's an old hippie or something. I will probably do my therapy with him as he was very nice, although he has little experience treating gender dysphorics. He also explained how the health insurance paperwork is handled and what I have to do. My impression is that I could work with him and benefit from it. I can always visit the doc at the Uniklinik Ffm every couple of months for specific gender issues. What I need therapy for is not necessarily only gender issues, but rather the mental side effects caused by the gender issues. For example depression, or anxiety.

I am going to bed...more later.

Urlaub

So long suckers! I'm off to Greece in a few short hours...

Clemens

I share my office with my project manager, Heike. She's real nice and likes to laugh, but also very firm when it comes to her project managing. She left the company a year and a half ago to have her son Clemens. I heard several months later that her son had a cancerous tumor in one of his eyes. This news made me sad. I hadn't really heard anything more after that until I came back here to work. A few weeks ago I came to work and she looked like she had been crying. She later told me that Clemens was mostly blind in that eye after chemo, and that it may have to be removed. A week later she seemed to be put together and ok with the fact that his eye was to be removed. The biopsy results came back today of the remaining eyesocket tissue, apparently not good. I felt kinda uncomfortable because I didn't know how to console her. I became really sad and was on the verge of tears, as she was already crying. I'm fighting back tears writing this. I can imagine how helpless she must feel. The son she bore in the grip of a killer. So much sadness lately. I hope he will be alright.

Life here has been anything but boring. It's almost too much. Not too long ago there were things that I felt should bring me to tears, but somehow I couldn't. My current heightened emotional level enables me to cry and achieve a release of sorts. This was something I had been missing somehow. I feel closer to people around me at work through the events of the last couple of months. I like being able to feel more. The hardest feelings are the feelings of loss. I feel somehow more whole, or more fulfilled that I am able to externalize the feelings I have. Writing this blog also helps me release instead of internalizing everything. Even though it feels like the floodgates have been opened, I am learning to manage better. I like how things are developing...

Vorschriften

I was talking with Helmut today about a show he saw on tv last night while we had a smoke. The show was about a FTM person and what he had to go through in order to transition. It sounded pretty informative. I also realized that I haven't really told him or the others that are in the know what all that transitioning entails. It's not so easy and one must have a lot of patience. But, the system of care is set up to root out those that might be making a mistake by transitioning, which I think is a good thing. I feel, at least for me, the amount of time this takes normally is a good thing. I have time to try to sort things out and make sure this is my correct path.

After speaking about the german sequence of events for transitioning, I realized I need to aggressively prepare myself for the day. For it seems not very far away at the moment. I get anxious when I think about the day that I am outed or come out at work. Especially because I don't feel I am prepared enough right now and will need some time to get things into shape. Sometimes I feel that I am strong enough to do it right then and there.

This is all about the real life test. In germany one is required to live full time for a year before being allowed to take hormones and covered electrolosys. I am violating the german rules by how I am going about my transition, technically. I can't imagine living full time without first beginning hormone treatment. In the states it's totally opposite, min. three months therapy, then hormone treatment for a year, then the RLT for a year, then surgery is possible. In germany, if you make it through the RLT you are good to go for all of it as soon as you want it.

I'm hoping to turn over a new leaf when I get back from Greece. Work on the voice, work off the tummy, hair removal, work, and therapy. I have the first visit with the gestalt therapist on the next day after I am back, and a visit to the local laser shop for a consultation three hours later. My voice and tummy I have to on my own at home. I need a routine. Maybe blogging should be a reward for getting off my ass and doing something to improve my confidence level.

I have realized that the biggest catalyst for my current depressive moods is guilt. I am slowly learning to navigate this new greater self awareness. Most of it I like very much. It makes me feel good to know that I have a future, and I have the power to shape it into my future. Last night I was able to talk myself out of thinking about things that make me sad. Earlier in the day I had read an article about the differences between the genders biologically and mentally. The one thing that I was able to glean from the article was that progesterone hinders a metabolic resistance to stress. Knowing about it is half the battle. I am becoming better at controlling the moods so that they don't go too far. I find that I am able to think more clearly and with better perspective. I hope this trend continues...

Photo Blog

I started my new blog yesterday night. It's called fantabulous memoirs. Corny, I know. Anyway that link will get you there, or if you click on my profile and then scroll to the bottom of the page there is a link. I've only posted a picture taken from my balcony of a summer storm rolling into Darmstadt. It looked really scary, so I shot it. I love thunder storms.

Not much happening today other than work was weird. Everybody seemed to have a bad attitude or be in a bad mood. Five minutes after I got there I wanted to go back home. Never should have left the house in the first place. I persevered and got my 8 for today. It got really cold for summertime here yesterday, and it stayed through today. That probably didn't help with the moods thing. I have to write the system description sometime this week for the last machine I designed in Detroit. Blah. I am ususally very good at writing technical stuff, but I still hate it. It's so boring. I want to post some pics of the machine to give everyone an idea of what I currently am doing.

I am typing on my Bluetooth keyboard. It’s kinda small. It will take some getting used to. Now I can post in hyper space. I like wireless devices. They're a whole new freedom, personal area networks are. At least this thing works with the regular computer because it sure as hell doesn’t work with my pocket pc. Little pissed about that. It cost $150 and up till now I haven’t been able to use it. Now all I need is a Bluetooth mouse. Then I can sit anywhere in the living room and blog, surf, and what have you.

I went to evil walmart to do some shopping after work. I needed to get a padlock for my cellar storage room. And a jar of peanut butter. There was only one brand to choose from, wait, there wasn't really a choice was there? Oh yeah, there was either creamy or crunchy, decisions, decisions...I've been craving peanut butter for my english muffins lately, but haven't remembered or they didn't have it. Living here really makes one appreciate how convenient things are in the states.

I keep wanting to capitalize Nouns. All the nouns in german are capitalized. sentences don't necessarily start out with the first word capitalized. Lots of things are opposite here as well. I can't think of a good example at the moment though.

I brought all the boxes that I had piled up from my electronics down into my cellar room earlier tonight. I put my mountain bike down there too. It's good to have that space back and it freed up lots of space in the storage closets up here. Now I have room for the Mackintosh buffet, table, and chairs. I found the chairs in the Mackintosh book that I have, so at least I know the design is authentic. I added all the costs of the set up and it came to about 4200 euro without shipping. I should call them and have them give me a quote for it all including shipping.

I need to get ready for my trip to Greece. I think sun block is in order and maybe a speedo. It could be like half a bikini.

I have definitely noticed some signs that my progesterone level has dropped off in the past couple of days. I guess estrogen alone doesn't totally block the testosterone. Help is on the way in just a few short hours. Tomorrow is a double-whammy. Twice as nice. This kid needs to get to bed.

Crystals

Magda gave me presents on Thursday. She gave me a piece of rose quarz, rock crystal, and a salt lamp. She had told me about the salt lamps from the mine outside Krakow that we saw on the east bloc excursion. I had spoken with her last week about KPo's crystals and that my salt lamp didn't make it back to Germany. Magda is so nice. She said she still needs to give me an amethyst crystal to charge the rose quarz. She gave me some printed info from the net about care and use of the crystals. (check out the hyperlinks!)

I played tour guide for a couple of my former colleagues from Detroit for the past few days. Finally another opportunity to speak only english. I realized lately that I am starting to talk to myself in german. Scary...The dreaming in german is already common for me. I thought that was as far as it would sink in.

On Thursday evening I took them to the Mathildenhoehe, the Schloss, Herrengarten, and then to the Grohe for the good stuff. They seemed to be having a good time, although they did comment that "it's a nice place to visit". They told me that they didn't think they wouldn't be able to get used to it here. I couldn't see why not, but anyway...Friday I blew off work early to take them to Frankfurt. It started raining right as I picked up the rental at the garage. They were troopers though, we did the Ffm tour of the Zeil and Roemer Platz. While Sandi was looking at souvenirs I spied some espresso cup and saucer sets that had Gustav Klimt graphics on them. I bought them. We finished the hard day off at Kanonensteppel, an Apfelwein pub in Sachsenhausen. I tried to give them a little exposure to the local culture. Ebbelwoi is always a good bet.

We started the day on saturday by trying to get into the lang Louis monument. I thought that the monument was open from 10-2, but alas I was mistaken. The lady at the Info center told me it was to open at noon. Bummer. We decided to get on the road. Our first stop was Schloss Frankenstein. We continued on from there through Seeheim-Jugenheim and then to Bickenback. We stopped at the antik store there. There were a couple of items that were really cool. There was a beautiful writing desk, although I'm not sure exactly what style it would be classified under. I think it was what the germans call "grundzeit" which literally means basic time. It sort of reminded me of american victorian, as the woodwork was very elaborate. The other piece was a solid oak sideboard in art nouveau style. It was beautiful. It had been stripped and then oiled. I want it. The price was 1680 euro. I could probably chew him down to 1500. The only thing is, how do I get it home? I have to think about it.

We continued on towards Heidelberg. We were looking for a place to eat which turned out to be quite an ordeal. So we decided to wait unitl we were in Heidelberg to eat. Heidelberg was totally full of tourists. We had to wait in line to get into the parking garage because it was totally full. We decided to try an irish pub for some food, and besides I haven't had any Guiness in a while. The food was good. We then walked to the train to the castle and rode up. We saw the standard Chrissy tour of the castle. There were tons of amis and Japanese tourists. Sandi and Bill wanted to buy some souvenirs, the usual, bier steins and such. They both found what they were looking for right outside the castle gate. Prima! I was a little worried that the souvenir shopping might turn into a lesson in indecision. But alas, it didn't. They were actually very decisive, which made me happy. We took the stairs down to the city from the castle. Sandi looked in a couple more shops for nutcrackers and ended up finding some that she liked. Afterwards we decided to head back to DA so I could go to the Stammtich in Neu Isenberg.

I got home and began to get "reshened-up". I didn't end up leaving to go to NI until 10pm, shit. When I got there, a couple of amis were speaking with Rita at the front door. I walked past them and went to find a seat with the rest. Petra said that I should go and introduce myself, as they were waiting on me to come so they could meet me. Of most of the amis living here that I have met, none of them are able to speak german. They were nice enough. They are Jane and Ernie and they live in Heidelberg. I think they said they were from the VA area. We exchanged phone numbers and I offered for them to give me a call when they are in the Darmstadt area, they also reciprocated. Then they went home.

I sat down at the stammtich and began speaking with Petra. We discussed how I have been feeling lately, which she assured me was quite normal. I told her about my recent visits to the Endo and the Uniklinik and that I wanted to try Gestalt therapy. We had a pretty lengthy discussion which was good. There was a guy there wearing a skirt with a normal men's shirt and loafers. Kinda strange. I guess there had been some guy there before I came in, and apparently he was looking to meet a trans person for dating or whatever. She later mentioned that guy and the skirt guy to Rita and how she was worried that these rif-raf might ruin our transfrau treff. I understand her point of view about keeping things on an even keel. The restaurant where the Stammtich is held is a normal restaurant, and therefore the management would like it if we wouldn't scare the straights too much. Most of the regulars seem normal enough, and therefore do not cause a stir with the other customers. When people start showing up like it's a come as you are type thing, then the purpose of the stammtich is lost. The point is, the purpose of the stammtich is get all of us together that are in some state of transition to socialize, discuss issues, and exchange advice and experiences.

In their discussion they talked about the notion that transvestites are playing a game, whereas our gender issues and what we are doing about them is not. I have also begun to feel the same way for some time now. It was the same feeling as when Tina used to come to the Ferndale group. She would speak of things like going out and her friends, but I didn't get the feeling of seriousness from her. I guess it might be a bit of jealousy on my part because I am not able to play the game anymore. It was and is reality now. I felt a bit embarrased once when the group facilitator suggested Tina might fit in better with the crossroads group, as they are mainly a transvestite group. She suggested it so subtly that I don't think Tina got the hint.

We would have some problems sometimes in Maria's after the Ferndale group. After a while of enduring some dopey kids and various nutters, I and the other embarrased persons were trying to set things up quietly as to avoid bad situations. Some of them seemed like they should be in a hospital. The younger kids that would come, have dinner, and then either have no money to pay, or leave no tip for the waiter. Aggrevating and embarrasing. Why can't people just be normal? It's the same issue as with the stammtich. We are able to have dinner in peace at Marias because of the accepting management and staff. I was getting to the point where I didn't want to go anymore unless I knew there weren't going to be any nut jobs joining us. It may sound a bit harsh, but those persons give trans persons a bad name of which I do not want to become associated. I'm venting.

I noticed yesterday evening that I'm starting to get some hips going on. All I have to do now is work on firming up the tummy and muscles around the waist. I have become a lot more mushy around the middle as of late. I will go Tuesday for another shot of E and P.

I want to organize my picture blog later today and publish it. I'll try to conquer my latest phobia of photo albums. I need to bring back the rental car and get my bike. Afterwards I think I will try to arrange the living room furniture. I just had an idea about an entertainment unit design. Should probably sketch it out.

Frankfurt II

I was debating on whether or not to go to Cafe Einhorn in Frankfurt (Ffm) tonight. But seeing how I was already there and back once today, plus my ankle is really sore, and I need more rest, I am staying home. The Neu Isenberger Stammtich is this Saturday, so I will see probably all of the same people there as well.

My colleague Klaus helped me pick up my furniture yesterday from Lindberg here in DA. Klaus is a nice guy, but a bit of a caffeine junkie. I rented a transporter van from my job's carpool. It was really easy to drive, almost like a car. We had some pizza while we waited Mario, the owner of Lindberg. I figured it's the least I can do is to feed Klaus before I put him to work. I bought the glass coffee table, the black leather couch with two matching chairs, a two tiered table, the Italian sconces, and a coat stand. Mario threw in a black plastic and chrome stool from the sixties, and also a Bauhaus saturn lamp from the 20's. It's got a white glass globe and a glass reflector ring that resembles the rings of saturn. I'll post a pic of it and the rest.

While we were carrying the couch up the stairs, I tripped and missed the last two steps. I didn't drop the couch, but I tweaked my ankle in the process. It's kinda painful today.

I realized as soon as I got out of bed that I had an Endo appointment scheduled for 8:15 am in Ffm. It was 10 after 7 already! Damn that snooze button. I also remembered that I was supposed to fast, as today is a Lab day. I was late as usual getting to the bahnhof, but the train didn't leave on time so I made it anyway. The train was supposed to get there at 8:30 and luckily the Endo office right outside the Ffm bahnhof.

My BP was 130/71, weight 81,5 kg, and height 1800 mm. I though I had lost some weight, but I guess not. Not much has changed in regard to these numbers. The waiting room is usually filled with women with a couple of men thrown in for good measure. I think it's pretty much a given when somebody as young as I am goes to an Endo. Plus looking a bit feminine to boot. I was brought into a room with two women lying on beds and another in the blood drawing chair. Things were a bit hectic in there. I felt a bit uncomfortable when I first went in the room, like I was intruding on something. But then I realized it was just me being dumb.

The women in the room were all getting a hefty dose of something, I assume hormones or whatever. I was there only to give today. The nurse filled seven vials! I asked her if she really needed that much. Upon finishing, she told me that most of the results would be available in four weeks, and that there was another test that takes two to three months to receive the results. Some sort of molecular/genetic test I guess. A chromosome test to me is not worth it. I know that I will be XY, which means nothing to me anyway, so why bother. The nurse said that the results would be sent to Dr. Hoppe, but I'm not sure if she has the background to be able to advise me on levels and such. I figured I would have to schedule a follw-up with the Endo, so I did. Middle of september.

I got some breakfast in the bahnhof while I was waiting for the next train. Afterwards I went and picked up the new Vogue and Burda patterns mags, and also an interesting mag called ZOO. I have been thinking lately of getting a little sketch book. I found a Moleskine display and bought one of their small ones. Apparently some famous artists have used them in the past centuries. I am in good company. I made it back to DA by 10:30 am and pedalled my ass to work.

I decided upon getting to work to call Dr. Kogan in Ffm about setting up an appointment for an introductory meeting. He's the guy that Dr. F. at the Uniklinik recommended because he is american and could possibly become my therapist if he has room in his patient load. I called and got the answering machine. As soon as I started to leave my message, he picked up. Maybe because I started to speak in english. I explained about the Uniklinik recommendation, my situation, and that I need to get back into therapy soon. He made sure first that I wasn't having a crisis before he offered an appointment later in the month. I don't think I am in a crisis at the moment!? I felt I could wait a little while, at least until I get back from Greece. I hope. Sunday was a tough day. My eyes were swollen most of the day yesterday from crying. I suppose I could use someone to talk to right about now.

At least I can write all this out and maybe someone will read it someday. I am intrigued by the concept of Gestalt therapy. I found a site today that the best translation of Gestalt therapy is coherent perception therapy. I think that translates into visualization therapy. I read a little on the site about the concepts that they use. It got into how we perceive visuals and sounds and how the mind tends to organize them. I need to read it again to try to perceive it better. The doc I will see also runs a training center for it. This therapy seems kind of quackish, but I will try to keep an open mind. KPo seemed to think I am more of a visual person, so this might actually work for me. Yet more time in Ffm...I should just live there.

I want also to continue my laser treatments on my face, neck and chest. I found some place online that boasted some sort of PE system. It was described as laser light mixed with high frequency electric current. It claims to get all hair, even colorless ones. Sounds too good to be true. And to think, now I can be shocked and barbecued at the same time! I really do not want to ever do electrolosys again. I will try anything other than that. I requested a consult via email, but haven't received a reply yet. I'm wondering after visiting the tanning salon's site which made no mention of the laser thingy treatment, if they are really there. I should try to call or try to find another in the area, like Ffm? Yet more time in Ffm. In my search on the net for laser, I found that there is a major chop-shop about 3 km further down my street. They do it all, lipo, botox, boobs, epilation, etc. The site made it seem kinda shi-shi. It could be a last resort I guess.

Last night I was surfing the designer furniture sites again. They have original designs by Eams, Corboursier (sp), Gray, Mackintosh and others. I found three diffeerent sites with all the same products. The first two were from the UK and also expensive. They both claimed to pedal goods from Italy also. The third is based in Italy and is about half the price. I'm wondering if this isn't the factory that the others deal with. The first two included delivery in their price, the third doesn't. I guess if the shipping isn't as much as the total cost at the first two, then direct makes sense, as long as the goods are same-same.

They have this huge cabinet designed by CR Mackintosh that I love but it costs minimum 2500 euro. I want it. They have a folding table and several different chair designs by him also. The spooky dining chairs are great. I think I have a set picked out. I'm not sure if I am ready to part with that much dough again. It would be very nice to get it. I really need to figure out how to insert links. I promise to go back and edit in links where pertinent. But in the meantime the site is http://www.classicdesignitalia.com/.

Decisions, decisions...