News Flash!

I am not insane. I had a good visit with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. He had reviewed the questionnaires and tests that I taken, and didn’t find anything of concern. He asked me a few questions about my transition plans and about some background stuff. We discussed his role in my ongoing transition and the official evaluation. German citizens under the German system (TSG) require an official evaluation to enable them to change their name and start taking hormones. This is not an issue for me since I came here already on hormones, and the name change is a simple procedure which requires nothing other than a personal wish and a bit of time.

He concluded that I would only require an evaluation for surgery, should I decide to have it. I explained to him that I probably wouldn’t be planning surgery for about another year from now. We decided that I would visit him once a quarter just to keep in contact, and that I should continue with my bi weekly therapy with Jerry. He said once I am at the point of planning surgery, that he would then write his official evaluation and also mentioned that my therapist Jerry would be the second evaluation, whereas for surgery two are required. This is all working out a bit too easy. The written tests and questionnaires would stay in my file, and when the time comes for the official evaluations, he said it would not require much time to complete. I reiterated to him that I feel very stable and clear about what I am doing, and he confirmed that he is able to see that. I am glad that he is able to see that I am comfortable with myself, because that is how I feel.

I am very happy that my mental state and stability was given an independent seal of approval. I feel good about myself and what I have achieved thus far. For so long and for many reasons, I thought that changing my gender was an insurmountable obstacle to living a reasonably fulfilling life. I realize now that it is not only possible to get past this, but to do it with success and make it to the other side a more complete, confident and happy person. I believe I have made the correct decision for me.

too many docs, so little time

I’m feeling out of sorts today.  I am sitting here listening to Judas Priest and blogging.  I can’t think of a better combination.  I can’t help interpreting the lyrics now with the Rob Halford gay taint.  Since the leather culture hit the mainstream it all seems to make sense now.  Anyhoo, I managed on Sunday to cut out a pair of cropped trousers, in muslin as a fitting garment.  The unassembled pieces have been staring me in the face since then.  I hope I am able to get to it tomorrow night after my visit with my psychiatrist.

I left work early yesterday to get ready to go to see my endocrinologist in Ffm.  I made it to the train station on time, but I ended up on the wrong train because I am a ditz.  Somehow it became really confusing because the flat screens said one thing and the announcements said something totally different.  Then they threw a brand new train into the mix.  I realized by the time the train got to the first stop that I fucked up.  I got off and waited for the next train to come to take me back to the main station.  That train was supposed to make it to the station in time for me to take the next train to Ffm.  I didn’t make it.  I even missed the S-bahn.  I had to wait a half hour in the freezing cold for the next train.  I ended up arriving for my appointment an hour late.  Lucky for me they still took me.  My endocrinologist is such a nice man; we talked about quite a few things during our visit, and not just hormones.  He is always very supportive.  This was the first time he saw me in female mode.  He was a little shocked when I told him I wasn’t living full time yet.  He said, “But I clearly see a frau sitting before me.”  Then I explained about the name change hearing in Detroit and then it became clear to him.  He ordered some blood work and I was off to wait to be called.  The nurse that took the blood was a total hack.  My arm still hurts today from it.  I think she pierced right through both walls of my vein.  I had some blood taken two weeks ago from the same spot without a problem.

I ended arriving late for my therapy appointment because of all the earlier screw ups.  Jerry apparently finally decided to educate himself about transexuality, as he had a hand written list two pages long of topics to ask me about.  I have a feeling that when he talked with my psychiatrist, he probably realized that he doesn’t know much about what I have to go through to transition.  I don’t mind educating him, but it seems like he should be paying me instead of the other way around.  He told me that he treats a lot of gays and lesbians and is quite aware of their needs therapy wise, but knows next to nothing about what a transsexual’s needs are.  It seems that the small number of health care professionals that deal with transsexuals tend to get all of them , mostly by word of mouth within the community.

I met with my regular doc today about my cholesterol.  It had climbed a bit since I checked it last in August.  My LDL is 255.  She said with the smoking, she couldn’t let it go.  She put me back on the medication.  Shit!  I had planned on trying to fight it, but I was a bit too euphoric from my injections I got just a few minutes beforehand.  I had trouble keeping the grin off my mug.  I was already feeling kind of gleeful before I even left my apartment, but the inrush of hormones pushed me into warm and tingly land.  She explained that I would eventually get a fatty liver, you know, the kind they make Chrissy liver pate’ from.  I don’t want to take the meds, but I will.

Yesterday I re-read the disclosure letter I wrote on Saturday to my aunts and uncles and cousins.  I was amazed that for a first draft, it was actually pretty good.  I may not even revise it.  I do need to fill in the blanks where I planned to suggest some literature such as books and internet sites.  I may send it to a couple of sisters to have them read it to see what they think.  I will probably send it next week in paper form.  I’m not sure what type of reaction I will get from them, if any.  I’m not sure what I would do if I received such a letter, so there.  I am nevertheless happy that the time I put into writing it paid off.   I wasn’t sure the outline of it was appropriate, but it reads just like I wanted it to.  I tried to mix matter-of-fact-ness with some emotion, which is not always an easy blend.  It works.  I am debating whether or not to post it to get some independent feedback.  Na, I think I will just go on my instincts.

a difficult letter

I have just finished the first draft of my disclosure letter to extended family, such as my aunts and uncles and cousins.  Everything is slowly falling into its proper place, and I feel the time is right to inform them.  I will no doubt revise it several times before I send it to them, but it is a start.  I decided on a letter as opposed to email or calling to give them all the time they need to fully digest the gravity of my disclosure, and to decide for themselves how they ultimately feel about it.  I hope their reactions will be positive.  But I also know that may not be the case.  I haven’t been as close to them as I wish I was, and hope to improve that in the future.

I have received my hearing date in Pontiac for my name change this week in the mail.  The hearing is scheduled for the first of March at 8.30 am.  Ironically, the judge that presided over my divorce is also the judge that will preside over my name change.  I’m not sure he will remember the circumstances of my divorce case, but he will surely know that he administered it because it is written on my application.  I hope me not being present for my divorce proceedings will not cause any complications in my hearing with him.  I should probably express my regrets for not being there, as I relied on Karen to inform me of the date, which she didn’t.  I didn’t know it had come to pass until it was already over.  I am nevertheless excited about being able to change my name to better reflect my identity.

I was also contemplating scheduling a hair transplant session while I am in Detroit, as it will probably be cheaper than in Europe because there is more competition there for such procedures.  The less invasive procedure, although more expensive, would allow me to travel without risk of compromising the results.  I am thinking that I want to re-establish my hairline and then fill in a little behind it, adding just enough density so that my scalp is not so noticeable.  This will help improve my self confidence level and allow me to actually have a hairstyle.  That thought makes me very happy.

I think my colleagues at work are starting to notice my physical changes.  I have noticed a couple of them looking at me with a puzzled look on their face.  One even asked me outright why I am so thin and why my face keeps looking thinner.  I didn’t feel the setting and time was right to tell him, so I just came up with a clever retort and that was the end of it.  I had been wondering lately how no one has consciously noticed any change in me.  It is plain for me to see, as I know what I am doing and know what to look for.  I somehow think that it will become progressively more obvious as the days lead up to my coming out at work.  If that is the case, hopefully it won’t be so shocking for some.  I wish this wasn’t shocking at all, but that is a reality common to this pursuit.

I regret that Karen and I have drifted so far apart through all of this.  I still love her very much, but on a different level than when we were together.  I don’t worry about her as much as I used to.  Unfortunately her love for me, which I like to think she did have at one time, has turned to anger and perhaps hatred.  It is my fault she feels this way.  I accept the way she feels about me, although I wish it could be different.  I hope someday that we can have some kind of relationship again, on whatever level.  I don’t harbor any ill will for what she has written to me, because I like to think of it as a healing process of sorts.  I hope that through her expressing her anger with me and the situation will help her get past it, even though it may never bring her to the point where she can view me again in a positive way.  I take comfort in the fun we had together, and try not to dwell on the not so fun times.  I am happy to have spent those years of my life with her, and look upon the memories with fondness.  I am finding it hard to let go of Karen, with whom I spent seven years of my life.  I am sorry Karen.

Testing...Testing...

If there is any one thing that I can name as a test of my resolve to transition, it would have to be the physical pain.  Always itchy, tender breasts pale in comparison with the hair removal methods that I have endured.  The only saving grace to the laser treatments that I am undergoing is that they are relatively quick.  They are physically draining.  I feel like butt right now.  I will use the laser method until such time as it doesn’t work anymore.  By then hopefully I will not have much left, because the only alternative at that point is to finish the rest with the dreaded needle electrolysis.  I hope that day never comes.  The forty hours I endured back when I started this journey was enough.  I cringe whenever I think about those sessions.

The funny thing with my laser doc is, he always starts a conversation when he is about to start frying my face.  After the first couple of zaps, everything I was thinking is quickly replaced with “oh fuck that hurt!”  Our conversations don’t end up making it very far.  We usually take a short break between wavelength changes, which I use to ponder whether or not all of this pain is worth it.  I had him turn up the power this time again.  Mistake.  The last time was bearable while he was doing it, whereas this time was quite excruciating.  The last time a different nurse applied the Emla to my face and did a better job of it.  Oh well, it’s over for now.  Until next month.  The thought of never having to shave again and the soft supple skin that will be left over is certainly worth it.  Shaving has become relatively easy and I can shave every day if I need to, without problems as proven during the holiday vacation.

My preferred language of female mode as opposed to saying that I was living as “Christine” is on purpose.  I feel that I am Christine no matter how I am dressed, and it sounds creepy, like I am talking about another person.  I am Christine and I am Christopher all in one package.  A name is nothing but another label.  The name alone doesn’t include all that’s inside, unless your name is asshole.  Presenting in female mode is obviously a huge part of who I am, but it alone does not define me to myself.  My life has taken on a whole new meaning for me over the past few months.  I actually feel that I am really close to being the person I have always envisioned myself to be.

My holiday vacation served as a mini real life test.  I subconsciously ended up pushing myself to live as much of that time in female mode as possible.  I didn’t set out or even plan it.  I was debating with myself when I was thinking about packing my bag and what clothing I would take with me.  I had always wanted to live in female mode for consecutive days, but never ended up for whatever reason being able to do it.  After the first couple of days, it didn’t seem so difficult to imagine.  It actually felt really good.  I felt as though I crossed a line of sorts.  It felt right.  It is difficult for me to put into words how all this feels.  Simply put, my outer appearance now fits with my inner identity.  I used to hate myself for wanting this.  I could always come up with an excuse not to transition.  Why did I fight it so long?  I wish I would have had the determination to do it thirteen years ago.  Life could have been so much simpler for everyone around me, and for that I feel deep regret, sorrow and guilt.  It makes me weep when I think about all the lives I’ve wrecked with my problems.

I love my family for caring enough about me to support me throughout my life, whatever or whoever I am or become.

Selfish

I would like to explore the concept of selfishness in context of my life and decision to transition.  I have been accused of being selfish, and in the context of my path to self fulfillment, I am indeed.  When someone is described as being selfish it usually has a negative connotation.  I feel however that this behavioral label is highly subjective in its common usage.  It doesn’t always have a negative connotation to the person it is applied to.  Oversimplified, the negative, taking the last piece of pie without first asking politely if anyone else wants it is perceived as selfishness, for example.

In the last couple of weeks I have been focused on how I feel about being labeled selfish.  I have been selfish all my life by keeping my thoughts and feelings of being the wrong gender to myself.  It would have been unselfish to express these feelings in some way sooner.  I always kept them for myself, rarely sharing them with another soul.  For me to be unselfish in that context would have been to share all these feelings with love interests to allow them to decide for themselves, after knowing all the facts, whether or not to further pursue the relationship.  In the early years of my development, I realized that my personal identity was different from most other people, in that I didn’t have a completely definitive identity of being a male as I was born physically.  I felt mostly that the feeling that I should have been born female was unacceptable and should not be considered seriously in conscious thought.  Therefore this concept was better left unexplored, left to rot away in some deep dark cavern of my mind.

But the small shred of belief that this concept of gender was true and somehow attainable, kept it barely alive all those years.  The suppression of this belief had its consequences.  Throughout my teen years I experienced episodes of frustration centered on a deep seated low self esteem, which led to depressive breakdowns.  Those defining years were a turbulent time for me, trying to measure my masculinity in comparison to my peers.  In retrospect, I understand why I didn’t feel that I measured up.  It all seems now a hopeless effort, time wasted.  I was trying to become what I perceived as being expected of me as being born a male.  But the fact is, I never really had that innate sense of maleness and had to use the gender cues of those around me and society in general to define my maleness.  It is confusing to me to define myself completely as one or the other, but since there are only two defined genders, if I don’t feel innately masculine, then it must mean that I define myself as feminine.  Societal gender constructs unfortunately do play a major role in my self definition.

My inner conflict with my gender made me keenly aware of the dividing line between male and female.  Rational thinking led me to denounce these incongruent feelings, because I was born with a penis and it was and is real.  I have struggled and still do, with the rationality of being born with a penis and not feeling that it fit with my self identity.  I think now, after much self exploration, that my tendency toward rational thought as opposed to creative, emotional, or intuitive thought is a direct result of the incongruent gender feelings.  To view these feelings on a rational level was to reject them, because how could someone born clearly male or female physically not feel instinctively that they are as such? I assume that allowing me to believe my intuition led to confusion, and rational thought clarity, that I sided with rational thought as a means of escape and false security.  This rejection of my intuition as faulty and confusing has caused a deficit in my personality in the way I interact with others.  I tended toward believing and trusting without much thought, viewing words and actions as absolute and true.  Living in such a way has led to much hurt and disappointment as one can imagine.

I do not fully understand everything yet, and probably never will, but I have clarified some things through self analysis.  I have tried for the past couple of years to develop my intuition further, to allow myself to use it as a guide in concert with rational thought to navigate my existence.  Although my intuition was always present, I chose not to listen to it.  In opening up the feeling side of my selfhood, and listening to it, I am better able to see and evaluate how my thoughts and actions have, and do, affect others and especially me.  This is of course difficult in that all the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others around me is now better acknowledged and partially being revisited, in effort to achieve some level of inner peace and security with my identity.  Thirty some-odd years of suppressed emotions seemed insurmountable, but in small steps it now seems possible and more importantly, worthwhile.

Even though I have always tried to be a good person, I carry a strong sense of guilt for not allowing me to be honest with myself and in turn, with others.  It seems that it would have been easier on everyone including myself, to have accepted the way I felt as valid and to deal with it in a constructive rather than repressive manner.  I don’t think that life would have been any easier for me, but perhaps easier for others around me.  My family could have known me better and the hurt caused by my disclosure at 34 could have been avoided.  Ruined relationships and hurt lovers could have been avoided.  The acknowledgement I have hurt others is not erased or minimized by understanding why and how I hurt them.  The weight of all of it is ever omnipresent.  I know that I can’t change the past, but only try to use the negative and positive as a guide for the future.

I had started on this path back when I met K-Po.  I didn’t want to repeat the catastrophic end to my relationship with Yolanda, and therefore was honest with her only to the extent that I was being honest with myself.  I was only willing to accept at that point that I was a cross-dresser and that was it.  But the fact remains, I knew it but somehow couldn’t accept it, that I wanted to transition since having met Rita and realized that it was possible to change one’s gender.  It wasn’t a question of whether I would do it, but rather when I would do it.  This admission will no doubt deepen the rift between us, rightly so, and I deeply regret having put her through this.  I’m not sure if she will ever forgive me and I understand that and accept the reasons.  I wish there was something I could do to repair the damage, but I am not sure there is anything I can do.  One thing that crosses my mind is to become the best woman I can be, to at least let this all have had a meaningful purpose.  I know this is no consolation for her, and anyone else for that matter, but I remain open to suggestions of ways to ease the pain and improve things in the future.

In reflecting on my own life around the time of my father’s death, I was confronted with three possibilities; the first was the minimally selfish solution to remain as I had lived up till then, to be miserable and continue lying to myself and those around me.  The second was the ultimate in selfishness, suicide, to take all of me to the grave.  The third was a compromise between the somewhat selfish and the ultimate in selfishness, to pursue transition.  I believe the first possibility would have eventually led to the second possibility; therefore the third seemed like the appropriate solution.  So yes I am being selfish and I fully acknowledge it.  The hard fact remains, and I hate to be so consequent about it, but I like think everyone would rather have me alive and transitioning however difficult it may be, rather than dead.  This is how I feel and like to believe it is true, and I take comfort in it.

This thought is still relatively raw, and therefore needs to be further pondered.  I feel good that I am able to confront things that are uncomfortable to consider, and begin to try to understand what they mean to me personally and how it affects others.

Darmstadt (home)

My home for now is Darmstadt in good old Hessen. I like it here. I like not having a car. I like traveling by bus and train everywhere. It takes me almost anywhere, within reason, I want to go. I went to visit my therapist tonight in Ffm. I was using today as a test to see how I felt after the emotional turmoil of the whole [insert name here] situation. I felt good, no, great today. I was walking down the street to my doc’s office listening to the Beasties, which helped put a little bounce in my step.

I felt like I could have spoken with Jerry for more than an hour today. He offered me some panatoni (I think??) bread to eat while we were talking. It was yummy. We discussed my recent insecurities and how I have dealt with it. I had started to doubt myself again, because I was dwelling on some things that I know aren’t true, but cause me distress just the same. I used this negative energy to put my commitment to the test. I was doubting myself and feeling miserable, so I decided that I had to confront my fears and take another hard look at what I am doing and whether or not it is a correct course of action for me. When I am feeling like this I usually visit James/Cora Birk’s transition journal. He decided to back out of transition after 18 months. I recommend reading it to anyone. It is sobering for me to read such a story. It keeps me grounded. It also reminds me that I can back out anytime if I feel I am making a mistake. Today, and most other days I don’t feel I am. The days that I feel insecure in my decision are becoming few and far between.

I had blood drawn on Tuesday at my doc’s after I got my injection. They drew blood for a cholesterol test and also for an HIV test that I requested. I did something naughty back in July around the time of my third post, and I have been paranoid about it ever since. I had at least two HIV tests right before then. Anyway, other than that one time back in July, I have been celibate for about two and a half years. And before that I had only had sex with K-Po since 1998 when we started dating. I remember when we went to get tested together not too long after we met. I had divulged my mixed-up past with her, and she suggested that we get tested. I felt really nervous while we were waiting for the results, because it was a rapid type that took only 20 minutes. I hate that feeling. Therefore I am not going to have any more sex for a good long time. Oh, by the way, the result of this latest one was also NEGATIVE. I take HIV and AIDS very seriously and therefore try to avoid any unnecessary risks. I have come too far to throw it all away now.

Home

I wrote this little ditty the day I got back home from the states, the 29th of December.  I was severely jet-lagged when I wrote it…

Calculated steps to experience the unexpected moments.  This is the thought that I came up with while pondering my trip back home(s).  I write it as home(s) because I have lived now for ten years away from my original home.  Oddly comforting enough, I slept in my childhood bedroom at my mom’s house.  Calling it ma’s house is new for me, while for so long it was called dad’s house after they were divorced.  To have that perspective again on the world, from the place that I had lived for the first eighteen years of my life, only served to compound several issues to their breaking point.  The weird stripe-y three walls and the one drummer-boy wall, and the blue carpet that made a weird noise as one would walk on it are gone.  I have lived for half of my life so far away from there.  I don’t feel much of a connection with my hometown anymore, aside from the whole family living there.  I know all the streets and things still look very familiar, but somehow it doesn’t feel the same.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of traveling across continents and oceans.  Since my last post I feel I have learned a great deal about myself, who I am, and who I am becoming.  I asserted myself to my sisters and my mother.  It was almost if they were meeting someone new for the first time.  I look a bit different of course with slight personality enhancements, but I am in many ways still the same as I have always been.  

Online Therapy

I am prompted to write this by K-Po, to give her some feelings.  I haven’t written a post with very many feelings in it for a little while because I have been still analyzing what the Life and Sickness History for my shrink brought out.  I was forced by this questionnaire to chronologically document my gender dysphoric feelings.  It was rather difficult to piece together and difficult to say when my first thoughts of inconsistent gender came about.

I have certain memories that stick out in my mind from my childhood.  I remember bathing with my sister Jen when we were young enough to bathe together.  I remember sitting in the tub with her opposite me, and wondering why what I had between my legs was different from her.  I can visually remember what her vagina looked like, but I don’t remember what my penis looked like.  Bear in mind these memories are over thirty years old, so they are a bit shaky.

When I was in the hospital to have my adenoids removed, I wished that they would come and get me while I was sleeping in my hospital bed and change me into a girl.  I wanted to be a ballerina with all the graceful movements.  I was so happy about my bicentennial costume that it included a body suit.  Body suits are what ballerinas wear.  Some time after the bicentennial, the costumes from my sisters were in garbage bags along with other goodwill clothes stored under the cellar stairs.  I remember Jen and me going through the clothes and me trying to figure out how to make her want to put a dress on me.

I realized that I have wanted to be a girl since my early childhood.  I have had that thought in my head for as long as I can remember.  I have thought about it at least for a couple of seconds every day for most of my life.  I have always hated and been ashamed of my body.  I always felt uncomfortable showering with other males in locker rooms.  My body has never been very muscular, no matter how much I worked out, and I have always been relatively thin.  I wasn’t happy with my physical development in puberty, as my development was somewhat slower than others my age.  I have always been envious of other girls and women because what they take for granted is something that I have always yearned for.  I would wake up in the morning wishing I was someone else.  I don’t hate myself for being born male; I just never wanted to be male.

I remember many times over the years the thoughts I would have when I was working with something dangerous.  I often wondered how I could damage my penis with it so that they couldn’t repair it, and there would be no other choice but to give me a vagina instead.  It would all have to seem like an accident of course.  I would then be allowed, for good reason, to be female.  I could simply explain the change away on an industrial accident.  Warped logic, thankfully I never put such a plan into action.  I have read in a book that Allison had, that this type of thought is common among transsexuals.

This next part is sexual in nature, and therefore may be too much for some.

I remember fantasizing while I was having anal sex for the first time in my early teens that I was being penetrated in my vagina.  I wondered if it that was how it would feel if it were in my vagina.  Repeated times over the following years I had flings with gay men, because I knew they wanted to penetrate me.  It never worked out because they wanted me as a man instead of my preferred role as female.  The guys I have met that wanted me because I was Trans were some creepy people.

I purged my clothes several times throughout the years, promising myself to stop this shameful nonsense of wanting to be female.  The first time was when I moved away to college.  I was moving from my father’s to my mother’s house thirty miles away.  I left my female clothes, which consisted of things my sisters were getting rid of, in between my mattress and box spring.  My father threw the old mattresses out and must have seen my stash.  He never mentioned anything about it, and I wonder why.  I think that was a cry for help from me and not a mistake.  The next time was when I moved to Detroit, I left all the clothes and shoes in a closet and told Jen they were from an old girlfriend, and that she could go through it all and decide what she wanted.  Another cry for help.  The next time was when Yollie found my stash.  That ruined my relationship with her, and I didn’t want to ruin any more, so I got rid of it once and for all.  After that, I only cross dressed when I went to visit family and went to visit Rita in Boston.

I seriously started thinking about the possibility of transition in 1993 after having met Rita and the rest in Boston.  At that point, the scene I was involved with was really seedy and negative.  It all seemed so dangerous, not to mention that most of the Trans women I met were prostitutes.  I knew I was Trans but didn’t want to become a prostitute to realize my dream.  I thought that was the only possibility for a Trans woman.  I had no way to know that the possibility of having a normal life after transition even existed.  That is the impression I had about transition, and therefore decided not to pursue it.  It was only when I started to research it on the internet, that I realized that there are people out there like me that are trans that are not sex workers.  This knowledge made the difference for me to again consider transition.

I wish that I had said something to my parents about this early on, but I am not sure that back then I would have been allowed to transition.  To be female is something I have always wanted.  I have always tried to fit in with my male brethren, never really feeling like I did, or even wanted to.  It was expected of me, and everything that I was supposed to be was relentlessly drilled into my head by my father.  Be more aggressive he would say.  Yep, he’s my one and only, he would tell people.  I loved my father, he meant well.

I’m sorry that not everyone can understand my drive to do this.  I can only try to substantiate my feelings in words that fail to describe what I believe I have always felt inside.  I am sorry the words I write are not enough to make people believe, but what is important is that I believe it because I have been living it for all my life.  I am sorry this has hurt everyone around me.  I am sorry I have wasted people’s time with dishonesty about how I truly feel inside because I was ashamed.  I have a much better self understanding now because I finally dared to try to make sense of years of feelings that I didn’t want to deal with.  It was easier to keep them out of sight, hidden deep in my mind.

In proofreading this, I realized that I may or may not have already touched on a lot of these subjects in depth in other posts over the past several months.  I realized that I am trying to defend my position to K-Po, which at this point is pointless.  I am sorry things turned out the way they did, and you may never forgive me, but I am doing what I feel I must do.  I do not take lightly the lives I have fucked up with this.  I wish it didn’t have to be this way.  I feel used too, but I’m not keeping score.

My long post about my trip home over Xmas may read a bit mechanical, but I wanted to get at least the sequence of events down while they were still fresh in my mind.  I still am pondering the past four weeks and want to write about how I feel about this time when I fully understand it.  I realized I have probably done some stupid things, and I want to think about and understand what drove me to do something stupid so I don’t do it again.  Also, reading one entry in my blog does not constitute a full comprehension of the way I feel.  To gain a good feel for what I have worked through, I recommend reading the first couple of months of my blog.  Or to give me a call so we can discuss…

Happy New Year!

First off, I wish everyone that might come to read this a Happy New Year!

Now, down to business.  I find myself on the eve of going back to work after almost a solid four weeks of vacation.  I have lived ca. 95% of that time as a female.  I have wanted to be able to do just that for many years now.  My facial hair growth is such that I am able to shave it every day and not cause any significant skin problems. Yay! (I am looking forward to my next laser treatment though)  It took a lot more work than I had anticipated, or rather more than my lazy ass wanted to do.  All that work paid off though, I had absolutely no problems especially in the states.  I was a little worried that the tolerance level in the states wouldn’t be the same as in Europe.  My fears went unconfirmed; I can happily and thankfully say.  I had an excellent time on vacation.  After spending so much time as Frau, it is difficult for me to imagine going to work again tomorrow as man and having it be the same as it was before.  I wish I was out at work already.  The next few months promise to be especially difficult, but also very important ones.

The following is a list of things that I hope to achieve before my birthday in June:

Disclosure to extended family such as aunts, uncles, and cousins
Complete name change process
Apply for a new passport
Change name with German authorities
Complete laser hair removal
Quit smoking
Make lots of new clothes
Work on my voice training
Have hair transplant surgery
Have a tracheal shave
Start living full time as a female
Successfully coming out at work and keeping my job

While I am writing lists, here is one about the things I am thankful for:

Having a large family that loves and supports me, including K-Po’s Parents
Having a girlfriend like Linda
Having friends like Allison, Jennifer, Marty, Petra, Jens, Helmut, Marion, Christiane, Heike, sweet trini, Chloe, Nathan and Stephanie, etc.
My good health and mental stability
Having caring and compassionate health care providers
The single life, self sufficiency
Having Blogger as a forum for my antics
To walk free in the warm sunshine

Walk good.

Horoscope Cancer 2006 - Peace

The last few years have been difficult ones, Cancer, and you’ve often wondered if you’d ever reach the point where you can actually enjoy life. This year, you just might do it. Work stresses will be markedly lower, and you might be able to get by with putting in fewer hours. Not only that - your personal life is going to blossom like never before. Relationships of all kinds will improve, and if you’ve ever doubted it, this year you’ll know for certain that family, friends, and lovers alike adore you and will always be there for you. You won’t spend all your spare time idly. Not at all! You’ll be busy pursuing your own interests, and enjoying life overall. Few new worries will come your way. Enjoy.

I copied this Horoscope from an msn page on New Years Day. After reading this for the first time, I felt it was written especially for me. It addresses many parts of my life and gave me an inspirational lift. I am not so superstitious, realizing it will require much work to make such a year come to pass. Sounds nice anyway…

Weihnachten 2005

Let me preface this post by saying that I wish to not be writing such long posts anymore. The need to write such long posts has arisen from my laziness and unwillingness to sit in front of my pc for any length of time. The last three weeks have been quite a ride in many respects. I have learned a great deal about myself and those around me.

Wed 14.12 – A Continuation. I left off last time with me getting into the shower to get ready to go to the Psychiatrist in Bad Homburg. I had ordered some clothes and shoes from the internet and was hoping they would come before I got in the shower. They usually deliver around mid afternoon. I was able to shower and shave before the doorbell started ringing. Both packages came and I tried the stuff that I wanted to wear on. It didn’t all fit, but the pants and top and boots I wanted to wear did. I try to make a good impression on people when I am out and about.

I took the train all the way there from right outside my apartment. Bad Homburg is situated right near to where my new company has their main European office, in Ober Ursel. I had never been on the S6 for that streck. I had to walk from the train station a few blocks to the doc’s office. There was a neat looking footbridge that I had to walk over to get there. His office was in an old art nouveau house, and the inside was beautiful. I first met the doc’s assistant, a very pleasant young woman, and started filling out paperwork. The doc came in and greeted me and we were off to the sitting room. I supplied some background information regarding myself such as family, why I am here, etc. We had a good conversation and I felt comfortable with him and his assistant. They gave me copies of the German guidelines and also some biographical stuff to fill out. We set the next appointment for Fri. 06.01, and I left. I went to bed early that night.

15.12 – I got up and made coffee so I could sit comfortably and read the Transsexuellengesetz (TSG). I read through it and actually understood most of it, and it was what I was expecting to read. I spoke with Mari about getting together that evening and then went shopping in city center. I tried on many coats in H&M and some shoes at Danny and then went to the Xmas markt on the Marktplatz to get last minute gifts. I got back home and started to wrap some presents when Mari called. She had just got home from her school and was feeling very tired. I walked over to her place, and picked up a couple of pfungstadters along the way. We ordered pizza and drank some beer. We talked a lot about different things, but I went home fairly early to allow Mari to get some sleep.

16.12 – I had to be at work for 9 to go on a field trip to perform some industrial espionage. We were granted an up-close look, with cameras, of our closest competitor’s machine who is already working with our new owners. It was a good trip, except for when I decided to wash my hands. The soap was the pumice kind, so I took off my rings and placed them in the soap dish dimple. I remember saying to myself as I was taking them off, “don’t forget your rings”. I turned around to find the paper towels and totally blanked out the rings. We headed back to work just in time for our company Xmas party in the assembly hall. Everyone was there and it was a good time. They served bier, pretzels, rolls, and smoked sausage. I realized at the party just how many people I have come to know personally at my company here. Petra approached me and told me she talked with Sandi from Detroit about the Bembles I had picked up for her, but never shipped. She said that she would ship them for me on Monday.

In an instant I realized I had left my rings in Ober Ursel lying on the sink. I attribute such events to my blonde-ness. Heike agreed to bring me there on her way home, since it is not so far out of the way. She wanted to see the facility anyway. We got there and at first nobody knew where the receptionist had put them. We ended up finding the right person who knew where they were and we left for the city. I discussed my insecurity with her about going back home and she offered some valuable advice. She dropped me off at the train station, where I caught a train back home. I got home around seven and called Helmi. He told me that Mari was still down at the Xmas party saufen. I wanted to go back, but rather stayed home and washed my laundry in preparation for my trip.

17.12 – I got up and burned the pictures of the machine to cd and collected presents for people I had missed. I walked to work with the Bembles and gifts, since I had left my bike there the day before. As I was unlocking my bike, I saw Marek and Martin. I had then remembered that Marek had asked me to help him show a customer from Caterpillar around town, but later let me off the hook because Martin had agreed to do it. Besides, I didn’t have any time to do it anyway. I went back home and got gussied up to go shopping in the city centre again. I started at Henschel and Roperts, a department store. I had to search for stuff that I liked, and ended up buying a few pieces from Mexx. Afterwards I went to the Xmas markt to get some goodies to take with me, and some nice wool knee socks. As soon as I got home Linda called to tell me she was on her way to get me. I quickly changed and we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some kitty litter and a toothbrush.

We got to La bodega for eight to meet Mari and Christi and Helmi for dinner. Mari and Christi gave me a Xmas present at dinner, but I didn’t open it until later. Helmi showed up really late as usual. I opened my present from Mari and Christi. It was an art nouveau pendant in silver with an opal in the center. I love it. It is perfect. They know me so well. I love them. Helmi gave me a wine travel kit on the way home. He knows me well, and I love him too. Linda and I went back to my apartment to get ready for bringing me to the airport in the morning. I set up the air mattress for Linda and went to bed having decided to pack in the morning. I got about three hours of sleep.

18.12 – I got up at five thirty to finish my packing. I skipped the shower as it would have made me way too late. I managed to get everything into my suitcase and we were off to the airport. Linda dropped me off outside and we hugged and said our goodbyes. The line in the terminal was a mile long. I was sure I was going to miss my flight. There were many other people around me that were supposed to be on my flight, so I didn’t get too worried. I was in line for the security check when I realized that I forgot a leatherman tool in my carry-on. I spoke with a screener about getting rid of it for me, but she informed me that they have a new service where they will hold the sharp objects for six weeks and you can come back and claim them for three euro. She persuaded me to do it. As I went through the metal detector, it beeped. The woman I had spoken with asked her female colleague to frisk the frau, meaning me. Cool! Her other colleagues looked at me and then back at her and started to laugh. I wasn’t expecting this, so I laughed as well. I was in androgynous mode for the flight. I wonder what made her assume I was a frau. Was it the conversation? Was it purely my appearance? It was probably a little of both. It felt good though.

I made my flight to Detroit. I wasn’t able to sleep as much as I had hoped, since there were many families with young screaming children. Marek, as it turns out was in the row in front of me, but on the opposite end of the row. We arrived in Detroit and I met the guy from caterpillar at the baggage claim with Marek. I bought a coffee and had a ciggy butt outside the terminal. Of course after I lit up, I thought this would be the perfect time to quit smoking. After going ten hours without a butt, it would be so much easier to just not start again. I think. I went and picked up my rental car and headed to Allison’s apartment in Auburn Hills.

I visited with Allison for a couple of hours and then headed to the ex in-laws. I arrived there to find Michelle and K-Po was there also. I hadn’t expected that. K-Po wouldn’t have known about it had I not said anything to her. I shouldn’t have contacted her at all as you will later see. Her mom had made ribs and all the fixings. K-Po and Michelle left fairly early and I stayed to talk with the ‘rents for a little while longer. We talked about them wanting to go back to Slovakia to visit their cousins again. It was a good visit, but I could still sense a bit of uneasiness from Bill. I thanked them and wished them Happy Holidays and went back to Allison’s.

19.12 – I was in male mode again this day, as I was to visit my old job for a couple of hours later. I dried my hair though. Allison and I went to breakfast at a greasy spoon in Pontiac. We were waiting to be seated when the bubbly waitress greeted us and said, “Where would you like to sit ladies?” Again, I was in male/androgynous mode. Again, Cool! We ate our cholesterol specials and then drove back to her place. I headed over to my old job to visit. I spoke with my old boss, civilly, which was nice because when I left we didn’t say goodbye. He was upset with me for leaving him in lurch once again. Sandi gave me a card with 200 dollars in it for the Bembles. I told Iza about my transition while we were outside having a smoke together. I didn’t worry about telling her, as she had confided with me about some very personal things going on in her life, and somehow I felt I could trust her. She was glad I had told her and she said that she could tell I trusted her enough to tell her such a secret. I gave her a website that she could check out to get some more info if she was interested.

I went back to Allison’s to get changed for going out to dinner at a steakhouse with some of my trans friends. We had a wonderful time. Jennifer took some pictures that I will post along with this. It felt really good to be out with my old friends from Detroit.



20.12 – Allison was gone before I got up. She flew to Arizona to be with her parents and siblings for the holidays. I decided I would skip the shower and get dressed to go and change my name. I first had to go to the secretary of state to update the address on my license, should that come up. I then went to the county clerk’s office to get the paperwork I needed to fill out and file. I asked for a six-week buffer for my hearing instead of the standard four. All the women working at the county clerk’s office were super nice and very helpful. I asked if I could get fingerprinted at the sheriff’s across the street, they said yes, and then asked me where I was parked. Parked? If I can see it, I can walk to it. And so I did. I went in the front entrance and asked about the fingerprinting. The nice officer said it was around back in a new annex, again the question “where are you parked?” I told him I would walk it, and he said “but it’s all the way around the back of the building”. I couldn’t believe how insistent everyone was that I not walk anywhere. I walked it just the same. I got that done and went to Meijer to buy a hairdryer, since Allison had taken hers with her.

I showered and got ready to go to my old support group in Ferndale. I called K-Po along the way to see if I could stop by and speak with her. I should have left it alone, but of course I didn’t. I met her in her hallway and feeling very insecure, I overcompensated by trying to show her my physical development. Again big mistake. In hindsight, I should have just forgotten about her as she did me. She seemed really superficial to me, which told me that she didn’t care to know how I was doing or to even see me again. I left and went to my support group.

Julia and Joe were there for the first time in months, and it was so nice to see them and the rest of the group. Everyone remarked how much happier and confident I seemed. That made me feel good that what I was feeling was obvious to those around me. I went back to Allison’s place to pack for my flight in the morning.

21.12 I decided I was going to travel in female mode and got ready to leave. All the people at the airport were friendly and helpful even though my ID didn’t match my appearance. I wonder if that is part of their training to be able to deal with such a situation. Maybe not. I remembered as I was walking across the street the night before, how I would usually be scared someone would see me in female mode. But last night was different in that I didn’t have that fear anymore. That was a nice revelation.

While I was waiting in Detroit for my flight, I called ma to tell her she would be picking up her daughter. She said “oh, ok”. I figured I had better warn her. I got off the flight and saw ma and Lenny as I was going down the escalator to the baggage claim. Ma said immediately, “you look just like Jen”. I asked her if she was ok with me and she said yes. We went to the supermarket together to pick up some soy milk and other little things. Lenny brought me to get the mustang from Jen and Diane’s house. I went back to ma’s afterwards to wait for Rachel to get there for dinner. While we were outside having a smoke together, David called and discussed with me how I was going to be on Xmas day around the children. I agreed to be in male mode for the nieces and nephews on Xmas. I had told Ann to wait to tell her children until springtime anyway. This upset me a bit later and I discussed my feelings with ma.

I called Ann later on before I headed over to Jen and Diane’s to sleep. I went by to visit with Ann and David for a few minutes after the girls were in bed for a while. She said I look like Jen. We chatted for a little while and then I went to Jen and Diane’s to wait for Jen to get home from work. Diane and I had dozed off by the time she got home. I stayed up for a beer and then went to bed.

22.12 – I got up and got ready to go shopping for my last minute Xmas gifts. I went to the mall and got most of my shopping done in a couple of hours. I also bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses for myself. They are the large lens kind with a tortoise shell frame. I love them. I also was looking at bags in Filene’s, where I fell in love with a Dooney there. I went back to ma’s to have some dinner. I spoke with Lizzy in the phone and told her I would be up around her place to finish my shopping that evening. I thought about stopping by for a couple of minutes, but I wasn’t sure if would.

I went to the Braintree mall to get gift cards for Aunt Nancy. Afterwards I looked through H&M and then went to Filene’s Basement, a rather large designer discount store. I looked at lots of handbags and wallets, and ended up buying a large BCBG Girls bag and three wallets. I left there and went to fill up the car. I noticed that the front tires were a little low, so I decided to fill them, but didn’t have the correct change for the air machine. I asked the cashier for some change for the air and he quickly punched some numbers on his keypad and said “it’s free for you”. Wow, I’m not sure where that came from, but I liked it. I decided to head back to ma’s since it was already getting pretty late.

23.12 – Rachel wanted me to come to visit her on the Island Friday night until Saturday morning. I spoke with her in the morning before I got in the shower. She said it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to come in female mode because of Tim not knowing yet. I reluctantly agreed. After the phone call, I became really upset feeling like everyone was more concerned that I don’t ruin Xmas with my silly dressing. I felt like leaving totally, feeling unaccepted. I would later realize that I needed to take things slower with family, and the real reason that I was upset is that I had very little contact with them since I moved to Germany. I talked about it with Ann, Rachel, and Lizzy. I told them how I was feeling and that I would hope we communicate better in the future. I also told them this is probably the last time that they will be able to ask me to be in male mode for the kids. They all accepted this and committed to doing something about it in the near future. I was such an insecure ball of emotion in the first couple of days there.

I was so upset I decided I wasn’t going to the Island to see Rachel and Tim. I went to Antil’s to pick up some Gorton for my ex father-in-law. I went to the mall in male mode and finished my shopping. I was waiting in line and realized how silly I was acting and that I needed to lighten up and enjoy my time there. I spoke with Rachel and decided that I would come after all. I went back to ma’s for dinner and had it out with Lizzy. I was starting to cry and she almost did too. I had to let out my disappointment about not staying in contact with each other. I was feeling very good about myself and my female presentation that almost none of them knew about because we hadn’t spoken in so long. This new found freedom to express myself was sort of new for me also, as I had lived most of my time this vacation in female mode. It felt good and scary at the same time. I had wanted to be able to do this for years, to see if I could actually hack it. And I think I can.

Lenny brought me to the fast ferry to the Island. There was a high school basketball team on board for their trip home. Rachel picked me up on the other side in Vineyard Haven in her Malibu. We picked up Tim on our way to her house. She showed me around and we ate some pizza and drank some wine. We watched movies until she fell asleep on the couch. I went to bed.

24.12 – We awoke to Tim asking if we wanted pancakes for breakfast. Rach made some coffee and we had a smoke. While we were outside, Tim showed us all of his pellet and paintball guns. He is way too excited about guns. We ate breakfast and then they brought me back to the boat. Lizzy picked me up from the boat at the dock in downtown New Bedford. She brought me back to ma’s where I showered and got ready for the evening. I went to pick up Jen in the mustang and we took a drive to fort Rodman in the south end. We talked a bit about what’s going on and had a good time of it. We returned to ma’s to have a steak dinner. I have eaten way too much red meat in the last two months between being in France and in the states. We had a nice evening with munchies, wine and good conversation. It felt good to be with ma, Rach, Jen, Diane, and Lizzy.

25.12 – Merry Christmas! We all got up around nine and had some coffee and started opening presents. Afterwards I got showered and dressed for when the rest of the family would be there. It was a fun day watching all the kids open their presents and also to catch up with the rest of the sisters. Ma bought me a lime green sweater from the gap and gave me gift card for Joann Fabrics. Even though I spent the day in male mode, I still had a good time. In hindsight it was a better idea for me to be in male mode on Xmas. They were right; it would have been too much for the kids especially on Christmas. I stayed at Jen and Diane’s that night.

26.12 – I got up fairly early to get ready to go shopping with Rach. I spoke with her and she told me that Ann had told her girls about me and how I was changing. She said she would tell Tim also in anticipation of me showing up at ma’s in female mode to go shopping. I was nervous about going there, but I held my chin up and went in. Tim didn’t show much of a reaction at first. I called Michelle to tell her that Ann and Rach had already told their kids about me and that I just wanted her to know that. She said she needed a little more time and information before she would tell Emilie and Oliver. I told her that I didn’t want to push her, but rather just to discuss it with her. I gave her the link to TS Roadmap to go to for more information.

Rach, Tim, and I got into the car to go shopping as Lizzy came to the door so I went to see what she wanted. She offered to take Tim with her and ma if he didn’t feel comfortable going with me and Rach. I asked him and he began crying, saying that it was too overwhelming and he decided to go with them. I began to feel bad about it, but Rach assured me that he would be ok. That made me feel a little better. I felt sad and that I would be warping all their young minds with my transition. I realized at that moment how difficult it would be for them to understand why.

Rach and I went to Filene’s where I bought the Dooney bag with the help of the gift cards I got for Christmas. I also bought a travel jewelry box, brown leather gloves, a brown scarf, and noise canceling earbud earphones. WE had lunch at the Panera in the North Dartmouth mall, yummy! When we got back to ma’s Tim apologized for earlier in the day, but I told him he didn’t have to and that I understand why he felt the way he did. He showed me the gun case he was building with Lenny in the cellar workshop. Lizzy told me I looked too flashy with what I had on, but I felt ok with it. I changed into jeans and the new sweater ma had given me for Xmas. Ma gave me my hormone shots after dinner. We all had a quiet night, most of which I spent getting ready to travel back to Detroit in the morning.

27.12 – I got up early to get ready for my flight back to Detroit. Lizzy brought me to the airport, hugged me and I was on my way. Checking in was super easy, there wasn’t even a line. My bag was overweight by six pounds, so I had to pay 25 dollars extra. I wasn’t about to re-pack it at that point. I reached Detroit without a problem and went to pick up my next rental car, a Mazda 6. It had one of those manual-automatic transmissions which was pretty neat. As I was driving from the airport toward the northern suburbs, I called my ex in-laws to see if they were home. Ma was there but Pa wasn’t. Good, because I wasn’t sure if I should show myself there in female mode with Pa there. I got there and was greeted with a warm smile from ma and gave her the Gorton I had brought for Pa. Just then Marty called and I chatted with him for a minute. By the end of the call, Pa came home with his friend Steve. They were both clearly totally uncomfortable and speechless. I wish this wasn’t such a shock to people that have only known me as Christopher. It makes me feel sad. I wish that they could rather see how happy I am and overlook the different appearance. I’m not sure how I feel about that encounter yet. I know for sure how K-Po feels about though, not good. She told me so in an email I received yesterday.

I later drove around picking up some odds and ends while killing time until I would meet Kat, my former laser treatment giver. She was babysitting up until two thirty, which ended up being more like five o’clock. We decided that we would instead meet for breakfast in Ferndale the next morning before I fly home. I went Allison’s to get ready to go to my support group once again. At the support group I discussed my trip out east and what had happened with the children. Afterwards, Jenny and I went to Como’s, just the two of us, for dinner. We split a pizza and had a glass of wine. We chatted quite a bit about her upcoming SRS surgery in January. She seemed very relaxed and confident she was ready to make that step. I am happy for her. Jenny and Allison are my best friends back in the states, and I love and miss them both very much.

I went back to Allison’s afterwards to finish packing and to get some sleep. I decided I was going to travel back to Germany in female mode.

28.12 – I got up and got ready to meet Kat for breakfast at Bart’s in Ferndale. I was running a little late and therefore called her to let her know. I finished up at Allison’s and headed to Ferndale. I had wanted to leave her a nice thank you card, but in the end didn’t have enough time for all of it. I met Kat at the diner and we chatted for a while over breakfast. We left and went to my car so I could give her the info on the new laser treatments I was doing. We hugged and said our goodbyes until next time I am in town. I then headed for the airport to check in for my flight. When I finally got to the counter, the woman looked at me and then my passport and asked me if this was really me. I assured her, yes, I am the same person as in my passport. I went through security and then had to wait for an hour and a half for boarding. I found a really comfortable chair and lounged for the next hours.

29.12 – I tried to sleep as much as I could on the flight, my new earbuds and earplugs helped, but in the end I didn’t get much shuteye. It seemed to go by fairly quickly thankfully. As we were about to land in Ffm, some guy and his wife had taken all their stuff out of the overheads and put it on the floor and in the aisle. The flight attendants had to argue with them to put it back up. One of them asked if he understood, to which the other replied, “yeah he understands, I just got called a bitch”. Bad scene. Then there was this young college kid that suddenly was getting really loud about getting arrested for partying too hard. As we were taxiing to the gate, he quickly got up and grabbed his bag out of the overhead and was met by the flight attendants telling him to put it back. I have found that it makes no difference in de-planing speed whether you have your stuff before you land or not.

I went through customs with no problems and then found my bag. I debated on whether or not to take the bus or to take the train home. I decided to go by train. I had to wait in Ffm hauptbahnhof for my next train. I went to a little café to have a coffee and a pastry. After I took the first bite of the choco-croissant, I realized why I like living in Germany. I finally got home around ten in the morning. I called Linda to let her know I had made it back ok and that I was going to sleep. I slept from twelve until six in the evening, then got up and made something to eat. I went back to bed at around midnight and slept all the way through to nine the next morning.

30.12 – I felt a little disoriented when I got up. A couple of cups of coffee helped to set things straight again. I got ready to go to Ffm to meet Linda for a coffee at lunchtime. We met and chatted for a while and then we walked together to the post office to mail some letters for her job. I left her and went to look for coats. I found some nice wool coats at Peek and Kloppenburg that were on sale. I decided to wait on buying them to show Linda first to see what she thought. Plus the store was mobbed and I couldn’t decide. I tried on a pair of blue cowboy boots, but they were a little too tight. I met Linda after she got off work at five and we took the train back to her place.

We went to the Buffalo Outlet in Neu Isenberg where I bought a nice pair of pointy toed flats with little heart cutouts in them for 19 euro. Afterwards we went to wal-mart to shop for our new year’s dinner, tacos. We finished up there and we drove Darmstadt where we ate dinner at Burger King. She brought me home and I called Marion. She and Christi were at the Pilhun and said I should come and have a couple of beers with them. I said I would and started walking to the Pilhun to meet up with them.

I got there and ordered a beer. I was a little nervous at first, but loosened up quickly once I started chatting with Mari and Christi. Later on in the evening, some of Marion’s friends showed up whom I had met before over the past couple of years as Christopher, and now they had met Christine. Their reactions were ones of surprise and support. After about seven beers for me, and nine for Mari and Christi, we all left together. George and Mareika both hugged me on the way out and offered their support. I walked with Mari and Christi back to their apartment and there they convinced me to stay over. Mari was pretty drunk and also hungry, so she cooked us something to eat and we went to bed.

31.12 – Mari went to go get some food for breakfast, which we promptly ate. I hung out for a little while with them, then made my way home. After I got home I showered and shaved my now hairy legs, since I hadn’t shaved them in two weeks. I spoke with Linda, who told me not to rush to get ready, so I didn’t. I ended up getting to the NI train station at about seven thirty. We went back to her place where I started cooking the taco meat. We had a nice meal complete with a nice red wine. As midnight drew closer, the fireworks outside hit a fever pitch. We went out on the balcony of her apartment to watch them for a while. I began to cry because it all seemed so beautiful that everyone was celebrating and having a good time. We didn’t stay up too late.

01.02 – Linda got up and made coffee for us. She then cooked the turkey bacon for breakfast. The pancake mix came in a plastic bottle that all you have to do is add the correct amount of water and shake it. She poured the first pancake in the pan and then placed the bottle on a still warm burner. I didn’t notice at first, when I did, I asked her if that was safe. She picked up the bottle and the batter came rushing out all over the stove, as the bottom of the bottle had melted on the burner. Shit. We had a good laugh about it and decided to cook the biscuits instead. We ate bacon and biscuits for breakfast. Linda wasn’t feeling so well so she took a nap for a while. She later brought me home and I went to bed early.

02.01- I got up and checked my email to find that K-Po had written me a nasty, mean email. I anticipated such an email after her father seeing me in female mode, when she had asked me not to do it. I figured he will eventually end up seeing me like that, so why not get it out of the way? Apparently she didn’t see it that way. I am debating on whether or not to publish the text of the email. I’m sure she won’t be reading my blog anymore, considering her scathing words to me. At first I felt angry, how dare her. Then I realized her comments were exactly what my intuition was telling me she felt inside but wasn’t telling me. I was fighting becoming upset, as her words were clearly meant to destabilize me. It partially worked, but mostly didn’t. I felt good that I didn’t let it get me down. More on this next post.

I got ready and took the train to Ffm to meet Linda when she got off work. I went and bought some patterns in the meantime and also checked to see if the coats were further marked down, or even still there. I met Linda at the Central Park café for a coffee. We discussed the email from K-Po and looked at my patterns that I had bought. We rode the train together, with her getting off at the NI stop. I continued on to DA and home. I relaxed a bit and then wrote the outline for this post.

Soooo…those are the events of the last three weeks. I will post again today or tomorrow with my commentary regarding my feelings about this time once I have fully pondered it.