Pictures

I was looking through some photo albums. Big mistake. I was thinking of starting another blog for photos and also one about my friend Rita from Boston. I really need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Because I'm not so sure anymore. I could be out of a job soon if we are bought out by the right company, or because of my transition. I thought I could handle all this together without major problems. This is by far turning out to be the hardest time of my life. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to deal with all this all at once. I want my mommy.

Looking at the pictures was very difficult. It had never been a problem before. They make me so very sad. This is so hard.

What got inside my head and tainted me for life? Why was I driven to start cross dressing? Where did these feelings come from and why won't they go away? I wish I could open my head up and scrape out the bad parts. Thinking of transition for sixteen years. A lot of weight to carry around. I feel like all that I have lost and willingly sacrificed has created a cavern that is now populated with guilt and sadness. I still wonder if I should have never had started this...is it all really worth it? Ruining my life and of those around me. Changing the physical to match the mental. Always wondering what my future would be like. I could hide my insecurities behind Christopher, but he's no longer big enough to hide them anymore.

I used to look at Rita with a lovingly jealous eye. She was living how I wish I had the balls to. I was too weak then, the reality of it was too much. It hit too close to home. It frightened me to realize who I really am inside. The fright paralyzed my psyche and it was in the beginning easy to bury it. It's very hard to let go and let the necessary changes happen. I need to drag all of this grief out somehow. It's such a tangled mess. How did I become so good at hiding all this? I wish I would have sought professional help a long time ago. I'm not sure if I can really work out so many years of internalization.

To never seriously consider a long term plan. Always knowing the door is there, knowing what is behind it, trying to pretend it wasn't there. Peeking through the keyhole once in a while. So many lies, so much time wasted.

The gravity of all this is really heavy. It is so real. I've known for so long this day would come. It doesn't make it any easier. I wish I would have stopped running. I envy others that come to the realization one day that all their problems are rooted in their gender dysphoria. Not realizing before that point in time what the problem was. I realize the other person's reality isn't any easier, but more that it wasn't on their mind for so long. Looking in the mirror seeing someone else. I hope all these tears wash the hurt away. Funny thing the mind.

It was so much easier to keep this inside. The amount of trouble keeping it inside caused was minimal to the world around me. Embracing what I for so long have feared to let out. I often try to talk myself out of this, denying that it is what I must be. This approach doesn't work anymore. I try to justify it by relying on my past feelings as evidence as to why I am doing this, but I'm finding it is more binary than that. The desire and the drive behind it has always been there in some shape or form. That fact I cannot deny. I can't imagine living without these feelings.

Stopping all this has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I know I can do this, and that I must do this. Stopping this would be a futile attempt at altering destiny. I draw upon other's stories such as James (Cora-Boston-BMEzine) who decided to de-transition. Reading his story through the past couple of years. In contrast I remember reading a letter of deep regret from a dying elderly man about having not transitioned. It was clear that he felt at the end his life was meaningless having never acted on his inner feelings. I'll post a link if I can find it again. Very toubling.

The colors in my life, much brighter and defined (Nicolette).

Moderne

I was a shopping fool yesterday. I rode my other bike to the ever elusive Antikmarkt. Their opening hours are a bit difficult for me. I went in and had a look-see. It was mostly soft wood amoires and bureaus and naturally lighter in color. Most of it was in top condition other than some worm damage/character, depending on how you view this. It wasn't really what I was looking for. I said thanks and left.

While I was outside I decided to take a closer look at the stuff in the front window. I remembered seeing an art deco smoking stand with a small round table, for your martini no doubt. I saw that it hadn't been sold yet and also that there were actually two of them. One of them was complete with an ember holder. On the other the ember holder was broken off. I wasn't sure at first which one, but finally decided on the complete one. It will complement the seating that comes later. There were also various trinkets up front, then I laid my eyes on a theater lamp made of cast Iron. It must weigh about a hundred pounds. As it turns out, the proprieter's brother restores these vintage theater lamps for a hobby. He said it was functional and that the price was 380 euro. I'm thinking about it...The woman also told me that they have another store in Bickenbach. Mari had told me about an antik store there, apparently the same one, but didn't know where it was exactly. The nice woman told me that they have somewhat rougher condition and darker furniture at the other store. The junk! That's exactly what I was looking for. I'll probably try to go there next weekend on the way to Heidelberg with Bill and Sandi.

I left there and went to Lindberg. Mario the proprieter was sitting outside at Carpe Diem next door to his shop. I said hello and I went to look inside and look at what was still there since the last time I was there. The only thing that wasn't there anymore was the rolling doctor stool. I had wanted that for sewing, since I gave the one I had away. The other stuff was still there. I was still undecided on what exacly to purchase. Mario invited me for a coffee next door on him. I obliged. We were discussing design and what sort of affect the design has on the psyche. For me, Art Nouveau has a special charm to it, the flowing lines and especially the aire of darkness to it. I percieve the whole asthetic as stylized beauty that has an inherent dark mysticism. Other people may not get this feeling, but this how it makes me "feel" when I look the designs. I can draw a parallell to my like of Jungle or darker drum and bass music. When I look deeper at this, I am noticing a pattern of drawing pleasure visually and auditorily from media that is sort of dark and manacing. I'm not sure what this means yet, but at least this writing helped me to make this connection.

The Jungle music will have you on a beautifully electronic melody and then suddenly plunge you into a cavern filled with grotesque creatures, through which you must run to safety avoiding the danger. This is a rough idea of what my imagination feels when I listen and dance to this music. Art Nouveau can be very beautiful and visually pleasing to look at, but also it can be very eerie and creepy. I want to get a tattoo. An Art Nouveau tattoo. I will take a ride to the building that has a facade that I like and take a picture and post it.

Back to the furniture. We finished our coffee and design philosophy and went back inside. I had decided on the black leather sofa with two chairs, a two-tiered table, the italian sconces, the coffee table, and the coat rack. He gave me a price of 2800 euro. I thought that was a very fair price and therefore didn't haggle. We made an appointment for Monday evening for me to come and get it and pay for it all in cash. He also threw in two little stepstools. As I was leaving he said that there would be a surprise when I come to pick it up. I like surprises.

The sconces are really neat. They consist of a rectangular chrome base with four thick glass rectangles. The glass plates are arranged in parallel with the two in the middle being blue and the outer two clear glass. Although they are probably not antiques, they do have that moderne feel to them. I couldn't pass them up.

Afterwards I went to the Marktplatz to meet Fredi and Finnbar at the Ratskeller. Fredi was alone when I got there. Finnbar showed a bit later. I was drinking Apfelwein since I still wasn't feeling 100%. I ordered a half chicken with pan fried potatoes. Fredi is a character. I stayed there for maybe 90 minutes and then decided to finish my shopping mission.

I went to Karstadt to buy some bed linens. I had bought some crappy stuff at Walmart just to get me going. Karstadt had nice cotton sateen duvee and pillow cover sets. I bought one black and one red set. They also had matching sheets in microfiber cotton jersey. All this came to 153 euro. ouch! I also finally manged to find a dish drying rack for 8 euro. Score.

I got all this home and realized I still needed to buy some coffee. The only place that was still open was Walmart. I rode my butt to Walmart and bought some coffee. On the way back it started to rain. One of those sunny while it's raining things. I decided to watch a movie and chill out for the rest of the night. I watched Beat the Devil with Bogart, Lollabrigida, and Lorre. It is supposed to be a comedy, but looking at the cast, one can hardly imagine it would be. It was more absurd than comedic. The visuals were great though. Every time the front man for the bad guys would talk, the other two or three of them would slowly come up and stand behind him. It was if he always had three heads. It was similar to Maltese Falcon with the Fat Man, Lorre, and Willma. They would always be together as a subversive element against Bogart the sly good guy. Bogart was starting to show his age in this flic, or maybe he was made up to look that way. It was a good caper, and Peter Lorre was great as usual. His name was O'Hara. One ponders the image of Peter Lorre as an Irishman...A must see.

I spent a little time blog surfing and then went to bed. I'm not sure what time it was, maybe around eleven.

The weather is nice today although a bit windy. I think I will do some cleaning and then go for a bike ride. Maybe check out the Perilli exhibit on the Matildenhöhe? Sit in the park for a little while? Many possibilities. I think I've written enough for the moment. I will finally have real furniture next week!

Frankfurt Ia

The following is only my opinion according to my own experiences.

I am driven to write this morning about something that was said to me in the recent past and also yesterday by Hr. F. The comment was made that lesbians do not care for MTF transexuals. We came upon this subject while he asked me about my sexual orientation. I told him I still prefer women over men because of my past experiences with both. However, that may change in the future, but it is still too early to tell.

I had only heard of this dislike relative to feminazis. The lesbian slant is a new one. He asked me if I wanted to have a hetero or a lesbian relationship with a woman. I told him apparently it would be a lesbian relationship. Then he dropped this "fact" on me. I'm not so sure this is a "fact", but rather perhaps a minority opinion or stereotype. Case in point, I have a sibling that is lesbian and my best friends here in Germany are lesbians. They never give me grief over what I am doing. On the other hand, sex is not involved with either of these relationships.

He was telling me this and sort seemed troubled over the fact that I hadn't totally given up on the concept of having a lesbian relationship should that be the way I end up feeling. My theory is the women that feel this way are probably butch bull dykes that look like men anyway, and I therefore wouldn't find them attractive anyway. They need to get over themselves. My taste lies with the lipstick lesbian variety.

I guess the whole concept of zero tolerance within the lesbian community regarding MTF's is that by changing our gender, we are reinforcing the societal stereotypes (i.e. the masculine construct) of what women should be and act like. I don't find this very troubling as I have learned that the world today is not so black and white. It all somehow comes back to the fact that the trans community is bundled with the gay lesbian and bi community because that is the only forum where gender variance is welcome, to a point apparently.

Our numbers are perhaps not as great as the GLB, but I hope someday that we can stand on our own and have an independant Trans community. The other aspect of this whole thing is that by and large we trans people don't want to be totally out and in your face, but rather undetectable and therefore live a "normal" life after transition. If this is to be achieved then it shouldn't matter how you got there, but that you are there now and everyone needs to be loved. I am trying to keep an open mind, and besides, I have no desire for any kind of relationships other than friendships at the moment.

I'm sure I'll have more to write on this subject as the need arises, but I have to get ready to go to work for the Man.

Frankfurt I

Summer head colds suck. I'm sitting here waiting for my tee to cool down listening to Kruder and Dorfmeister, very relaxing. I hope to feel better tomorrow. I called in sick today and slept till 11:30. I figured it wasn't worth it to go to work feeling the way I did for only 3-4 hours. I was going to leave right after lunch anyway. I wanted to be coherent when I went to my various appointments in Frankfurt. I was, somewhat.

As usual I rode to the Bahnhof and arrived with only 5 minutes to spare. Lock bike, run to ticket machine, buy ticket, run to train...made it! It was and still is very hot today, and having a slight fever really makes for a sweaty day. I hope I have sweat all the toxins out today. This tee is working great, or wait, is it the nyquil? Probably both.

Anyway, so I made it to the Endocrinologist with time to spare. The young women at the counter were very nice. I had already filled out the questionaire, so I was left with some time to look at the Fall-Winter 2005 collections. The doc, Dr. S., came and got me out of the waiting room. He was very nice and also very easy to speak with. We discussed what I written in the questionaire, and my recent medical care. He also asked me if I would rather they refer to me as Frau instead of Herr. I told him to stick with Herr for now. I don't want to cause a stir in the waiting room. But after I thought about it, it is probably more confusing using Herr. I don't know.

The thing about the Germans, situations like the doctor's waiting room, they routinely use Frau or Herr and then your last name. In the States, they routinely use either your first and last names or only the first. I should have asked them to refer to me by first and last name without the gender formality. Moving on...

The doc told me that the dosage that I am on now is a moderate dose and that it would take a little while to adjust to it. I had wondered if that was the case. He also said that it will peak at first and then level out a little bit lower. I made another appointment for yet another full round of bloodwork. Next Tuesday 8:15 am. He also tried to put my anxiety about coming out at work to rest. He said he has experienced very few of his trans patients having trouble at work. Nice doc.

I met with Hr. F. afterwards at the Uniklinik. He had his haircut in the last week and I could see his tattoo on the side of his head. He also has some big tribal tats on his forearms. I wish I could do therapy with him. We talked about the different theray options, and especially about the fact that I really should do therapy in english. I agree. He also told me of his observation that I deal with conflict in a repressive manner. Others react in other ways, such as extreme risk taking. This was a new angle I hadn't thought about. I gained a better understanding of what benefits therapy holds for me. Sure the Trans part is a good chunk, but also to dig into the way I deal with conflict and maybe learn a more constructive way of dealing. Also the self exploration aspect, the mind is a deep dark place. He told me about an american therapist practicing in Frankfurt that does Staltung therapy. I'm not sure I understand what that means so I will do a little research.

Hr. F. said that he came up dry when he looked for an english speaking therapist with gender dysphoria experience. But his colleague will be back in the middle of August and per chance she might know someone. He said he will get back to me by the end of August. I'll try to contact that therapist he recommended in the meantime.

I am noticing more and more about fifteen minutes after getting my injections that I feel all warm and fuzzy and a bit relaxed. Feels nice.

Summer Sun

This summer is turning out to be very interesting. The past few days were on the cool side with some pain. Nevertheless there was much afoot. It all started last week with a funeral. Very sad. Mari gives me a lot of support and I try to do the same in return. She and Christi such good friends.

Tuesday I found out that my company is going to cover my taxes on the sale of my home. Woo-hoo! Nothing like adding a little bit of emotion to get some results. Hey, it works for the Koreans. I'm debating whether or not to publish the email text that I wrote to my Chef (boss) for fear that he might read this someday. The thing is, I was driven to write it out of despair regarding the taxes and feeling let down. That was a difficult weekend. My total financial losses will now be at a minimum. Kool! Danke Chef!

I went to the Uniklinik in Ffm on Wednesday to meet with a psychological advisor. We sort of had an introductory meeting, but it felt more like a therapy session. The man I spoke with, Mr. F., was very nice and also very professional. I immediately felt comfortable with him because he offered to do our session in english. He also recommended that it would be best if I could do my future therapy in english. That would be the ideal situation. Speaking with him felt constructive, as opposed to the hour I spent with Dr. K. here in Darmstadt. It also gave me enough perspective to realize I don't want to do therapy with Dr. K. That would not be good for me. The idea of the Uniklinik thing is to hear your situation, and then make referrals to the appropriate mental health care professional according to your situation. He was trying to remember if there were any therapists around that speak and do therapy in english. I hope he can find someone. I go back to see Mr. F. on thursday of this week, right after my Endo appointment.

Wednesday night I met Mari and Christi at the Grohe to discuss vacation plans over a few beers. We decided on Greece. Thursday after work I met them at the travel agent. I read a little something about the Island we were considering. It sounded really nice. Samos is the place. We checked on what was available on the other islands, but in the end decided on Samos. I'm looking forward to getting away for a week and besides, I've never seen the Med.

Later that night, Johannes came to pick me up to go to the Kalkhofen with Helmut. The Kalkhofen is a bier/tier garten. They have various kinds of animals including ornery peacocks that climb all over the place and shriek. It's a pretty cool place out in the middle of the forest. I only had a couple of ebbelwoi pur.

Stef and Nate decided to come and visit on Friday evening. I hadn't seen them for over a year now. The last time was when KPo and I were about ready to get the F out of Dodge. We felt bad because we felt like we were leaving them behind to fend for themselves while we were going back to the states. Anyway, we had a good time with kebap and then we closed the Ratskeller. We also had some interesting conversation back at the apartment before we hit the sack. I like hanging out with them because they are so interesting and fun. Plus we are able to commiserate about being a stranger in a strange land. It was great to hang out with them again.

Things are not so convenient here. In the states we really do live a life of convenience. 24 hour supermarkets, air conditioning, fast food, the list goes on. The only stores open on Sundays are gas stations. Restaurants are open too. Stores are only open until 7pm in the city center on the other days. It makes one better at using your time wisely.

I met Mari and Christi at the Bahnhof Saturday morning shortly after leaving Stef and Nate to their own devices in city centre. Time was tight, but we managed to catch the S3 to Frankfurt. We went together to the Christopher Street Day a.k.a. CSD parade and fest. Trouble was were all either tired or hung over, or both. We were all kinda dragging-ass after a while and decided to go home. One can only take so much leather and piercings. I got home and slept for a while. I wanted to get up in time to go do some food shopping, but somehow diddn't make it. Later I walked to the Bahnhof to get my other bike and pedalled my ass to the Lokales. There I had a couple of beers and a pizza. Dinner of champions...

Yesterday I wrote back to Chloe about hanging out. We decided to meet at the CSD in Ffm. I was of course running late as usual, but managed to be almost on-time. She was nice and her outfit was very cute. She's a goth I guess, although she wasn't wearing much black. I met her friends Jesus and Alvero, also very interesting. We went to a Thai restaurant to get out of the rain. I have been spending lots of time in Frankfurt lately. I hope to hang out with them again soon. I can't remember the club that Jesus recommended for good drum and bass. I have to find out.

I've been rediscovering my electronic music collection lately. My living room is quite empty so I have been practicing my tech-step once again. It feels good to work up a sweat swingin to the deep dark oldies. Terry Lee Brown, Yellow Note, Plastic City's Machinery, Moving Shadow 98.1. The darkness of the jungle...the deep baselines and menacing rinses. Something about it really does something for me. I can't sit still when I hear something good.

So that was the week of not writing anything. I've had little time to dwell on anything negative, but there are still issues that need to be resolved. Like nice blogging KPo, that kinda stings what you've written there. Nice visual.

I go for my fourth injection of Estrogen tomorrow. I need sleep...

Schlummie

I just lost two hours worth of writing. A fuse blew and I lost everything. I'll try my best to re-create it. I haven't written anything in the last week, mostly because I have gone out every night except Monday and Tuesday.

Amsterdam was a good time as always. I rented a bike and rode around getting lost the whole time. It's confusing enough without smoking anything. There's something inherently disorienting about it I have noticed. I think mostly because it all looks the same after a while. I did end up having a better feel for direction and things started to look familiar by the time I was to go back home. The arena hotel was an interesting place. It had been formerly an orphanage. The room was about 5 meters square with the cieling about the same proportion. It had a view of a canal out the enormous window. There was a small staircase that led up to a loft area with two beds. Everything was very clean and neat. Worth the 70 Euro. It was mostly a 20's-30's crowd. It was a bit outside of the city centre, but also quieter at night than in the city direct.

I decided to go there looking very androgenous. I decided to try it out, not asserting myself in any particular one gender direction. The societal gender variance expression tolerance level in Europe is much higher than in the states. In particular when it comes to physical appearance. In general, I have noticed that some males here dress more affeminite anyway, and it's not a problem but rather normal. So relatively speaking, I am not going much further with my appearance than is "normally" acceptable expression through dress. I have become comfortable with my androgenous appearance, and am not placing so much emphasis on make-up, hair and boobs. Even though it is becoming alot easier to pass, I am able to pass because I tip the scale using these tools. I feel like when I use make-up I am trying too hard.

"Just being me" is easier because there aren't as many gender cues that could possibly conflict and really confuse things. Subtlety is key, and therefore I don't feel quite as self conscious as when I present totally female. The really in-tune people I suppose pick up on my vibe, but mostly I think people in general don't really notice anybody else around them. I probably shouldn't place so much on what others think of me based on my appearance. But at the moment I am transforming the way I would normally dress at home and in public, and therefore I am a bit more insecure about myself. I suppose I will become more accustomed to it in due time. I try to notice people's reaction, or rather if there is a reaction that registers. I haven't had any negative reactions as of yet. I would rather pass naturally without effort. Hopefully that day will come, and I think it will sooner than I had originally thought. I have just started HRT five months ago but I already feel and see its' effects.

I feel good about the direction things are going, I'm just starting to worry more about how the change will affect my job. The coming-out milestones of transition are often difficult. I have the close family milestone out of the way. The next big ones are extended family and employer. The extended family one is tricky because I could possibly put it off until I had to, but the situation may arise that I need to personally be present before I divulge my plan for the future. The work situation has been weighing heavy on my mind because I hadn't really gave it too much serious thought. And it may come sooner than I had envisioned. I still need to think more about it.

I'm going to meet Chloe in Frankfurt at CSD 2005. Gotta get ready to motor.

A-Dam X X X

I am going to Amsterdam tomorrow. Woo-hoo! I have at least booked a hotel room, the ICE train I will have to book tomorrow morning. I was hoping to take my bike with me, but if I do, I would have to change trains four times and it would take six and a half hours. macht kein spass. I think I will take the ICE as early as possible and just rent a bike when I get there. My favorite coffee house is De Dampfkring. It's all psychadelic inside, and there is usually a kitty that sits on a bar stool near the window totally stoned out of its gourd no doubt. I just want to get away from here for a couple of days, to see other surroundings. I need to check the weather.

Last night I went to the Dieburger Biergarten with Mari and Christi for something to eat, and of course drink. They had Schneider Weisse duenkel! My favorite Hefeweizen bier. I would always buy some bottles of it when I was buying local Ales at Merchant's Warehouse in Dearborn (I must really learn how to insert links). Oh, how I miss Two-Hearted Ale from Bells/Kalamazoo Brewing Co. That was one of the only things I really enjoyed about living in Detroit. Anyway, at the bier garten we talked about various things, among them losing a parent. I became so verklemmt and sad I was on the verge of tears. My emotions are becoming heavier and heavier. Part of the problem is that I haven't gone to bed earlier than 1:00 am in about two weeks. I don't usually do well when I am sleep deprived. We had some very good discussions though.

The drinking. I really need to slow down a bit. It's been difficult because there is so much going on right now, seeing as it is summer time don'tcha know. My tolerance niveau is becoming quite high. There is however no end in sight to the debaclery. And remember, wer gut schmiert, der gut fährt! (pronounced fairt)

Sorry to KPo for misquoting you. I coulda sworn that you said that about Bi's, sorry.

I should get to bed so I can be fresh for the A-Dam. Oh yeah, I haven't contacted B3ta with my blog address yet cause I'm having second thoughts. I will probably do it anyway because I am a glutton for punishment. They will probably become bored fairly quickly with my mundane existence. mal schauen.

R.I.P.

They say it always comes in threes. My second cousin died yesterday while mowing the lawn. Heart attack I would guess. I didn't know him that well, but he and his brothers were there for me and my sisters when Dad passed away. I wish I could be there for them now. This sort of thing usually happens when I am living out of country. Pech gehabt.

The second was the mother of one of my best friends. Her Mom passed away last night after a brief illness. I feel her pain. For me to lose my Dad and Grandmother, Mimi, was very difficult. It still hurts and probably always will, one can only move on and learn to live with the loss.

I probably shouldn't write this but, I hope there won't be a third.

Rest in peace Jeff, rest in peace Frau Schäfer.

Schönen Abent noch...

B3ta und Bier

I love biergartens. I have just come home from spending a few hours in the sun drinking beer at the Grohe. Summertime is the best! Sitting around bullshitting and saufen. I should probably insert the link for Leo, the TU Muenchen German-English translation site. I speak German 99% of the time now, and I find it difficult to switch back to English when someone asks me to translate something technical.

I went this morning to get my injections at Dr. Hoppe's office. It went fairly easy, except the second injection felt like the nurse was throwing a dart into my ass. I flinched a little, which is not a good thing because intramuscular shots go pretty deep. Somehow I can imagine breaking a needle off in my flesh would be no fun at all. Instead of using an alchohol pad they have this spray that they use without warning that feels like liquid nitrogen when it hits the skin. I love the way I feel right after I get the injections. Sort of warm and fuzzy even though the injection site is a little sensitive afterwards.

I also got two referrals for my next appointments. the first is for the Uniklinik Frankfurt Sexualwissenshaft. they have a gender and sexual research program that is set up to treat freaks like me. I'm a bit apprehensive about going there, as one of my friends told me that they ask you questions like "are you sure that you are transexual?" as if they will talk me out of it somehow. One always should be sure about this of course, as it is final once you remove the twins. I have a while to go before I get to that point though. I'm as sure as I can be at this point. The second referral is for the Gemeinshaftspraxis fuer Endokrinologie. Say that five times fast...in other words I will be going to see an endocrinologist regarding my hormones. I'm not sure what this will bring, but I was asked to do this, and I will. Soon my health insurance company will be privy to what I am up to. I have been told that they send you a letter asking you to confirm that you are transexual and intend on going all the way through to surgery. How's that for privacy?

I finally feel like I am living for myself and what I want to do rather than what society or the boundaries I have imposed on myself because I was too worried about what other people think of me. In making my decision to transition, I had to come to grips with the fact that I will be undertaking something that is not socially acceptable. It's becoming easier to deal with the fact that I am not socially acceptable. When you exude self confidence, others seem to pick up on this and it somehow is not so difficult to make it through potentially heavy situations. I have always been so passive and sort of weak in my personal dealings, but now I am developing a new independence, however slowly. At times this whole self realization process really fucks with my head, but in general I can honestly say by and large it is a good thing and it feels right.

I had contacted B3ta.com (a website for lymie fuckpuppets and those of us with a sense of humor) over the weekend about becoming one of their many spectacles, whipping posts and the like. Let's just cal it a "human interest piece". What are we if we can't laugh at ourselves? And besides, I grew up in New England, where sarcasm is considered a virtue.

Oh yeah, the dumb ass question that was asked on the board..."can those people have children?" Should I really answer that? I can at least say that I don't have a euterus or ovaries and never will. FTMs could possibly as they have the plumbing, unless they have it removed. I can also still produce sperm and get an erection at the moment. But once the twins are sent to summer camp, this will also not be possible. I also have the option of saving sperm cryogenically, but I think I am a dead-ender. This fact was a little difficult to accept because I am the last of my bloodline. I am over that now however. Who in their right mind would bring a child into this world anyway? At some point you have to decide whether to fish or cut bait, shit or get off the pot, etc.

I do however beg a little mercy of the B3tans. Not likely. My spouse K-Po found B3ta a few years back when the site was in its kittency. Beer, Beer, Beer; Smoke a Fag; Elbow. Newsletter #117, the one that started all this. K-po saw the lead asking if someone from the B3ta audience would have a sex change and share the experience. She at that point had suggested that I do it. As I am always up for a challenge, and very likely to go through with this, what the hell? You only live once, or twice as the case may be. It took a bit of time, but here I am. I am suffering from a lack of attention.

I have also considered a post complete with pictures called "physical development". I was thinking that once a month I would post progress pics of hair re-growth, hair removal, and breast growth. I'm sure my family wouldn't approve of the last one, but hey, it would keep the readership up. Kind of like a train wreck. I assume the B3ta audience is a "meat and potatoes" type of crowd.

I wanted also to express my condolances to the victim's families of Thursday's bombings in London. Radicals are a bitch! Every last one of them should be rounded up and dipped in hot oil, slowly. Rat bastards!

The pics...what should I say? I had a great time in Saint Brieuc on the Brittany coast of France. My friend Marion was with me. We saw sonic youth and capleton at the Art Rock Fest. Good times.

Tschuss!

Saint Brieuc-Art Rock 2005 

10.07.2005

Feelin' kinda wierd

I'm feeling kinda wierd today. Had an experience last night that I'm not quite ready to go into detail about. Let's just say, um, the G&L disco was interesting. So much shit is going on right now between work and my personal life that I'm finding it difficult to keep the head straight. I haven't quite worked it out yet whether or not the hormones are having an impact on my perception. I go tomorrow for my double jeapordy injections. I should be able to discern by tomorrow night if the hormones are the main factor regarding my inability to be cohesive?

I am feeling sort of anxious. I am thinking about personal things more in depth. Maybe I am learning how to think of things (feelings) more in depth and reason them out, rather than suppressing them. I have become soooo good at suppression. 25 years of suppressing my inner and most important feelings. I'm not quite sure, but it almost feels like Christine is becoming the dominant entity and Christopher is becoming the lesser. And not putting up much of a fight. That sounds like multiple personality disorder...

It's not that simple however. I haven't made up my mind yet whether or not this is a good thing. I somehow do not feel the same as I have always felt. I need some perspective. Amsterdam sounds like a good bet, I've been wanting to go there ever since I set foot on EU soil. Alas, a clear head is what I need right now.

I have read about family members grieving for their sibling or child that is in transition, as if they died. For all intensive purposes this is in fact true. the person that either they grew up with or nurtured through the years is no longer there. But not totally, as we are only becoming in whole what we were always only in part. or rathter the part could show. That probably doesn't make sense, but I have trouble putting into words what I have always felt in my head. Holding all this inside for so long. I have also read transitioner's stories about the side of themselves that goes away somehow, or dies. It almost seems that the shell is falling away. It all sounds so cliche', but that is the best way I can describe what I am feeling. This blogging is helping. Putting up a front for so long, disguising who I really am and how I really feel inside. I feel sort of liberated in a surreal sort of way. It's all so very strange.

Some of this is the beer talking, as I have had a few with Helmut while we were bullshitting about my shady dealings with my company regarding my compensation. Helmut is the best. We share many personality traits. Misery loves company.

I took some pictures last night before I went to the G&L disco. Wouldn'tcha know it the one I wanted to share didn't save right. The preview looks great, but only my forehead shows up. wunderbar! I think I send a nachlassig pic anyway. I'm such a novelty at the G&L Disco.

I need to go to bed.

Feeling Better

I'm probably pushing blogger critical mass here with so many entries on my first day...but
I'm feeling much better after speaking with my spouse on the phone for three hours. Contact with the world outside my little flat is always a good thing. It was mostly bullshitting about what's been happenning in our lives, but we did talk about some difficult issues. I don't need a therapist I just need her. Our divorce is final (I guess I should say my ex-spouse from now on) so she told me. I am very thankful that we are still very good friends and are able to discuss things that are not totally cleared up or finished. I still love her and probably always will.

And to think just yesterday I was wondering if a fall from five floors was enough. Even though I think about it from time to time, I am too weak to ever actually do it. I start to think about what a hassle it would be for my family to clean up after me. And besides how would they get that stain off the sidewalk? I think I would rather stick around because scaring the straights is always so much fun.

The hormones are a bitch. I am glad to be free of testosterone. It has been such a liberating experience for me. Men are really controlled by their penis, or rather the testes. I can say this because I have experienced this first hand. I was taking a very weak dosage before I hooked up with doctors here. I was taking 200mg of Spironolactone and 4mg of Estradiol per day. The doctor here just about laughed at the dosage and said "this will take forever". I have wondered if the way I have been feeling in the past couple of days is because of my levels. I will go tuesday for my next injections, and right before my last injection I felt physically that it was time

I am now doing injections, whereas before I was taking pills. My present regimen is 250mg of Progesterone intramuscular injection every four (4) weeks and 10mg Estradiol intramuscular injection every two (2) weeks. I was lucky enough to find a doc here in Darmstadt that is sympathetic to my situation and has taken over my total physical health care. The first doc was in Frankfurt, kind of a hassle to go there every two weeks for something that takes about five minutes to administer.

The transitional aspect of my life is probably the only thing that is going well. Ah, but now I have a blog...dare to dream. Let's talk about the good things, shall we? I got my satellite tv system going last weekend, which also was Heinerfest weekend here, the second most amount of beer consumed next to Oktoberfest. I managed, not without some degree of difficulty mind you, to get my wireless internet up and running this week. The next thing on the agenda is to get my living room furnished. I am living in squalor, but the neccessities are there, stereo system, satellite television, internet access, stove, fridge, bed, washer and dryer, and bathroom.

I really wanted to clean today, but I worked getting this blog up and running, spoke with K-Po, and now I am sitting here in my PJ's blogging, listening to Nicolette, dringking a Pfungstaedter beer and smoking like a fiend. I burned a pretzel in the oven earlier, I'm not cut out for this german life.

I have been going to a gay and lesbian disco on sundays in the Schlosskeller. We transgender persons have been somehow bundled with the gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, hence GLBT. They are however accepting of us as they too are sort of gender variant themselves. Although I do not identify with any particular one of those classifications, I as of yet do not know which way I will end up, striaght or otherwise. I have decided it is easier right now to concentrate on my personal mental and physical development and not confuse things by actively seeking a relationship with either of the genders other than friendships. I find myself somewhere in between the genders, a mindbending concept, eh? Bisexual say you? Not quite. Bisexuals are sort of a self serving lot, "having their cake and eating it too".

Anyway, the gay and lesbian disco is a place I can go as myself and not feel that everyone is staring. Although even when I am out and about dressed more androgenous, more and more people have confused looks on their faces and I am mistaken for female rather than male. this of course feels good, but I am not at the point where I can yet refute the negative convincingly. People in general have this inherent need to know one way or the other or they tend to get angry when your gender is unclear. It must be black and white. Enough of that.

Let's learn german shall we? "tote Hose" Literally translated means "dead pants", but in colloquial german it means nothin' doin' or for example when the pub is empty at an early hour.

1st Real Post

I have decided to start blogging as a cure for lonliness and as an outlet for everything that enters my head but normally wouldn't have the chance to see the light of day again. I have always wanted to write, but have never been able to keep it going once I had started, regardless of the medium. I'll give the blogging thing a whirl.
At the moment I am fighting depression. As already mentioned, I find myself very lonely. Mostly because I have moved to a place, although familiar, far away from my support network. I am slowly building a new support network here with the old one still reachable by telephone or email. I do have some friends here, both trans and otherwise, but no one that I speak with on a daily basis. I'm trying to go out and do things between episodes of laying in bed crying.
One source of hurt is my job and my decision to leave Detroit behind and move to Darmstadt. Everything logistically has worked out so far and in an acceptable time frame. The German tax system is something to be feared. I had hoped by selling my house in Detroit that my company would support me 100% financially. I was reimbursed for my real estate agent's commission, of which I have to pay about 47% in taxes. So much for breaking even, which was my hope through all of this. Some reasonable companies will "Gross-up" these reimbursements so that the tax burden to their employee will be covered. What a big financial mistake I have made. I should have listened to my heart instead of my head.
I'm trying to do just that more and more. My head thinks of things so logically and trusts far too easily. My heart is more intuitive and most of the time correct. woulda, shoulda, coulda...what's done is done. So, here I sit.
I hope my family will occasionally read my blog, as some of them don't call me at all. Before I moved here I felt we were somehow becoming closer after living so far away from them for so long. Now it seems that it is even worse than before. Enough bitching.
I hope my profile picture is not too disturbing. As you can see, I have a long way to go visually. That picture was take obviously by me back in detroit in february or march of 2005. I do not feel too comfortable right now about posting pics, but I will do it anyway so I can have an archive of my visual changes. This may be helpful for my family, since I am not planning on visiting until thanksgiving or christmas.
I should probably break now and eat something, shower, and clean my apartment. bis spaeter!