an old friend

I just got home from my electrolysis appointment.  She worked on me for three hours.  She cleared both sides of my face starting at the sideburn, down to the jaw line, and over to my mouth.  The only hair left on my face is in the shape of a goatee.  I feel like ass right now.  The Emla worked a little bit, but it was mostly really painful.  I figure she got between 800 and 1000 hairs inside of three hours.  I have jowls from the swelling.  I just warmed up one of my cold compression packs on my cheeks.  I hope the swelling goes down somewhat by tomorrow.  I never should have scheduled this for the day before flying to the states.

During the treatment I have to lie totally still to enable her to get the needle down the hair shaft.  She did it with blend today.  Blend is more painful than flash, but also has a higher fry/kill rate.  I only want to have to do this for a couple of months at the most.  The whole time I try to concentrate on my breathing and to remain totally calm.   It’s difficult, as one can imagine, staying calm when someone is sticking a needle in your skin and then heating it up.  Luckily most of the hairs only took four or five seconds to come out.  When she was doing the hairs around my ears I could hear sort of a hissing sound.  I hate electrolysis, and you should too if you know what’s good for ya.  Three hours of pain cost me 165,00 euro, yay.

I will finish the new jeans I designed after posting this.  I tried them on for the first time last night, and they fit perfect.  I decided to try the pattern using non-stretch fabric because the last pair stretches too much and gives me a bad case of plumber’s crack.  These seem a bit stiffer, and the fabric was so much better to work with.  To line the pockets and waistband I used some cotton broadcloth which is actually a quilting fabric, it is a black and white print with swirls and skulls.  It adds a bit of a hardcore edge to it.  The main fabric I used is a black and white herringbone denim.  I will post a picture of the pants if I remember.

I need to start packing my bags for the trip.  I had planned on doing an early check in today, but I don’t think I am going to make it.  I need the rest of the day to finish the pants, pack, and clean my apartment.  I think I will book a taxi to bring me to the airport in the morning.  I really don’t feel like rushing right now.  I really don’t feel like doing anything right now.

half full

I really don’t know exactly what I am feeling right now, because I don’t really feel anything, or rather any sort of particular way.  I am a little worried that this is what it feels like when my hormone levels are in the dirt.  I am feeling a little light headed also.  My moods lately have been getting out of control, but today I feel even keeled.  I wish I could find a middle ground and be able to stay there.  I wonder if this is what it feels like to be emotionally exhausted.

I haven’t decided if I am feeling empty or I am finally at peace.  I don’t feel I am fighting anymore today, or that I have to.  This post will probably make no sense whatsoever.  Is this what it feels like when I have reached the other side?  I don’t feel a need to make sense of anything.  I contemplated that I no longer fear being trans, could that be it?

Maybe I should just go with it and not question things so much.  I feel good physically and mentally, but yet I find myself second guessing it, not because I feel the need to, but because that is how I have been living.  Why do I feel the way I do today?  Does every feeling or lack of a definite feeling have to mean something?  I worked on cutting out my next pair of pants today and did the wash and the dishes.  Things are easy today.  Am I making something out of nothing?  I am starting to think so.  I almost feel that I have been fighting to define myself to myself for so long, and now that I know who I am, the fight is over, but I am so used to fighting that I can’t let it go.  I feel sort of an eerie calmness.  I find myself trying to make up reasons to fight, but there is nothing left to fight.  I somehow feel free to think of other things that have nothing to do with my gender conflict.  I will try it and see where it leads.

Why continue to question it if you don’t feel the need to?  This is a new feeling and I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet.  I’ll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow to gage it.  Maybe I am finally free.  I wondered for a long time if someday when I was past my gender conflict through transition if I would feel an inner peace.  A peace that would allow me to concentrate my thought and emotional energy on other things other than my inner conflict.  The conflict had always used a portion of my energy, and the unused portion was used for the rest of my life.  Can I now concentrate on other things without that default amount of energy being taken up?

More on this later.

Feeling a little cramped?

I’ve had an interesting week. I went out after work with my business unit manager (BUM) on Wednesday to a pub around the corner from where we work. I invited him last week with the plan of following Ellie and Heike’s advice of telling him of my transition plans. I felt comfortable in telling him. He said that he wouldn’t be able to understand, but that he accepts it and will tolerate it, er, me. I told him that the best that I can expect. He was supportive and offered advice on how to go about telling other people like the company president and the personnel department. He suggested that I schedule an appointment with the president on a Friday afternoon just before the end of the day. He explained that the president’s wife is a social science professional and that he would probably have to rely on her for an opinion on how he should feel about me. Our president is not such a people oriented kind of person. I have met with him many times since I have moved back here, and have also noticed this about him.

Luckily, my BUM is a bit more personable, after all he is a salesman. He said that he wouldn’t treat me any differently than he would the other women in the office. We discussed other work related things for a while and I didn’t feel he changed his feeling toward me after telling him. I told him that I was thinking of getting out of the project that I am working on for him because of all the frustration as of late, but that I decided to stick with it and see it to the bitter end. He said he needed me to stay to finish it, and that he thought I was the only one who could do it. It feels nice to be needed. I did pick up and move to Europe to do just that. We drove back to the office because he wanted to do some more work. When he was about to go inside and I to go home, he thanked me for my trust in him to tell him something so personal. That made me feel glad I told him.

I rode home and called Linda when I got there. We spoke for a while and then I started to get abdominal cramps. I though I may have eaten something bad. I assumed it was food poisoning and went to bed. I was able to get to sleep, but only to wake to intense pain in my belly. I tossed and turned for hours and got hardly any sleep. During the day on Thursday I had some light nagging pain, and was of course very tired as well. That night I made some muffins with peanut butter to try to tame the savage beast that is my belly. I finished my olive corduroy cropped jeans and they fit really well. I am very happy about that. Allison wrote me a really nice and supportive letter, after having read my posts from Monday. Apparently she was also not feeling so good lately. I like having friends like her, and also that we can tell each other our feelings about each other. I am looking forward to staying with her when I go to Detroit next Sunday.

When I went to bed that night, as soon as I laid down in bed, the cramps started again and this time was a lot worse than the night before. It was so painful, I contemplated going to the hospital. I still assumed that it was food poisoning, but I didn’t have diarrhea or vomit at all. I filled a hot water bottle and went back to bed, which helped me to get to sleep.

I told Heike of my abdominal pain on friday, and she suggested it might be hormone related cramps. I remembered that I had experienced similar pain intermittently over the past several months. I remembered the last time it had happened; it was when Linda was over on a Sunday evening. I used my blog to figure out when that was. It was two days before my next double shots. I will get my double shots this coming Tuesday. It stands to reason that if it is hormone, or lack thereof, related cramps, then I will probably experience them again in about a month from now. Something to look forward to. I am thinking that going back on the pills is sounding better and better all the time. When I was told that the injection course of therapy was similar to a biological woman’s monthly cycle, I assumed it only meant the mood swings and such. I sympathize with other women, that shit really hurts. If it happens again this coming month, then I will probably talk with my doc about it.

I worked on another jeans design last night. These are cropped again, and I plan to make them out of a non-stretch herringbone denim. The first pair I made out of stretch corduroy, and with all the moving around I did today, they have stretched out too much. I prewashed and dried the fabric before I cut them out, but the fabric is too elastic. I am not a fan of stretch cottons. This brings me to the events of today.

I got up around nine-thirty, made breakfast and started to get ready for the day. I rode the train to NI where Linda picked me up. We drove to the NI center so she could return some clothes and she had also scheduled us for makeovers at the Douglas cosmetic store. Linda exchanged the sweaters for a couple of blouses and a blazer. We sat down at a café for a coffee and a smoke before we had to go for our makeovers. The waiter was about to set the tray on the table when the coffee tipped over and fell on the floor. It dumped all over the outside of my purse on its way to the floor. It partly went inside my purse too. I was livid. I will have to pay more attention to where I place my purse in the future. Luckily it didn’t damage anything, like my PDA or my cell phone. We left that mess and went to Douglas for our makeovers.

Linda went first and I watched as she was being made up because the woman who was to do me was finishing someone else. I finally got in the chair as Linda was finished. She was made up by a girl who looked like Marilyn Monroe. I was made up by a Turkish woman. She explained about the different products that she was using and was helpful with the tips. She made me up to take pictures as there was also a photographer there. She put the rouge on a bit too heavy as I found out in the pictures. I actually like some of the pictures. I got them on cd and I will post some of them to my photo blog. I told Linda the other day that I don’t really like looking at pictures of myself. She told me that she thinks I am photogenic, but I don’t think so. She told me that’s because I still see the man, and am not yet able to recognize the woman I am becoming. She is right. In the pictures taken today, I am able to see myself better. I think I will frame one and give it ma when I go there to visit in a week and a half. Pay no attention to the abuse of rouge on my cheeks. It was fun to have my makeup done and to take pictures.





















I washed my purse with woolite in the tub. I am lucky it is mostly fabric and fake leather. I hope it still looks ok after it dries. The sewing supply in Ffm called on Friday to let me know that my fitting patterns had arrived. I hoped to get them today but I ran out of time. I plan on going to Ffm on Monday after work to get them and also maybe do some shopping. I want to get a couple of light sweaters or tops to go with the pants and skirts I want to make this week to wear when I go back to the states. I need to get some more bras too.

I plan to cut out the next pair of pants tomorrow and hopefully start to construct them. I am feeling good tonight.

a good feeling

Things here in DA are going so much better than a couple of days ago.  One important point to note is that even though I was down on Monday, it wasn’t because I doubted myself again.  That didn’t even enter into the gray picture.  I feel as positive about what I am doing as I can be, and that makes me really happy.  My sorrow on Monday was more because I was feeling all the loss I have caused and experienced as a result of my decision to transition.  Although I don’t think that writing about death and suicide is necessarily healthy, I think experiencing the deep sadness in some way helps me to release some of it.  I feel differently now.  I remember going through a similar time last summer during which I was filled with doubt and also the loss factored into it as well.

I feel as if the times when I go through a period of sadness I am molting, metaphorically speaking.  It’s like I’m shedding a skin which causes emotional pain, instead of physical pain.  Although it is difficult to get through the sadness, afterwards I feel a semblance of relief.  As if I have shed a part of me that was necessary to leave behind.  I find it very interesting when I think about how I am changing psychologically through transition.  Of course the hormones play their part, but I am realizing that gender change is not as simple as having the yearning and changing clothes.  The yearning only serves to set this process in motion.  I feel that through all the difficult experiences that I am further developing my character and personality that was for a long time stalled or stunted.  I am not able to completely and clearly put into words what I am now feeling.  This is a start though.  Maybe this is what it feels like when one knows oneself well, and is at peace with oneself.  I realize now that I have never felt this way before in my life.  Such feelings are new to me, and as one can imagine, it feels really good.

I have been behaving poorly in the recent past because I am struggling to obtain acceptance from those that are important to me.  Through this I have learned that I hadn’t fully accepted myself.  If I had, I wouldn’t feel like the acceptance of others was so direly important to obtain.  I have also realized that I can’t expect certain people to accept me, or even have the right to ask them to.  This is difficult for me to accept, but it is unfortunately the reality of the situation.  The only person that can validate this experience for me is me alone.  When it comes down to it, I have to live with myself every day of my life, and everyone and everything else is secondary.  I feel that I am close to fully accepting myself, if that is even possible.  Every day that goes by I become more confident in my decision.  Doubt does rear its ugly head less and less, and it only serves to allow me to gain a better perspective on what I am doing.  I am able to make sense of things better now because I actually pay attention to myself and what I do and how it affects others.  I don’t always make the correct decision, but I am trying to do better.  I want to be a good person, and I feel that I am, even though I may act badly sometimes.  I can only hope to do better by understanding why I do the things I have done.

My main worry through all of this is that I am doing the right thing for me.  I used to constantly ask myself whenever I looked in the mirror, “are you sure this really what you want?”  I just smile at myself now instead, because I know it is.

good morning

Good morning.  I slept through the night.  That was scary.  I am realizing that taking proper care of myself is paramount, in particular sleep.  Being overtired only serves to compound the depression.  I feel a little embarrassed now about what I wrote yesterday and was thinking of deleting the posts.  But, I think I will leave them up to remind me that I want to live more than I want to die.  The lack of sleep combined with reading unsettling things could be a deadly combination for me, and should be avoided.  I don’t like finding myself in such a dark state of mind.  I must get over her on my own.  No one can help me do it, especially her.  Maybe it would be best if we never speak or see each other ever again.  I’m pretty sure as I sit here that it would not be good for me to see her anytime soon.  I am worried for myself if that should happen.  A negative experience would only further destabilize me.  I think back to the time span of October till December, a time when I was feeling really good about myself, mostly because I had had no contact with her whatsoever.  Then I contacted her again and started down this slippery slope.  I have done this to myself.  I am sorry if the posts from yesterday cause concern for those who may read them, but this is my reality and I must learn somehow to live with it on my own.  Thankfully, I have more happy days than sad days, and the sad days are somewhat preventable.  The sad days will always be there and that is normal, but the depths to which I sink I must learn to better control.  Again, taking better care of myself is key, since I have realized my life depends on it.

Regrets

I am so depressed. That is the only thing I can come up with. Losing her is the proving to be the hardest thing I have ever had to accept. When I think of her I gravitate between anger and deep sadness. The anger gets out of control and I do and say things that I regret afterwards which makes me really sad. I am able to deal with other losses in a constructive manner, or at least have been able to work through it somehow. I can’t seem to get over her. I was hoping to sleep through the night after going to bed at six thirty, but I am awake now and cannot sleep anymore. I can’t stop the tears. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do about it. I tried a gestalt with my therapist last week, but I became so upset we had to stop. I’ve given myself a migraine. I don’t know what to do. The pain should be getting easier to handle, not more difficult as it is becoming. I hope to never fall in love with anyone ever again. I hope tomorrow will be a brighter day, if I can just make it through the night.

How low can you go?

I am so sad today that I feel physically sick.  I am scared too.  I have been fighting back the tears all day at work.  I decided to come home so that no one would see the tears of a fool.  My life is just a big mess of lies and hurt.  My biggest mistake that I have made was not taking my own life back when I first contemplated it when I was 16.  I could have prevented all this anguish I have since put on everyone.  My mess would have been a lot easier to clean up back then.  It’s too late now.

My family would have had to say goodbye to Christopher, and never would have known of my problems.  Instead now they have to say goodbye to Christopher and live with who is left over, Christine.  Someone they don’t necessarily have to love or even like.  It seems too much to ask.  I can tell they are reluctantly accepting of who I am, and that hurts.

This is not a plea for help.  This is exactly what I am feeling at this very moment.  If eventually I decide to take my own life, unfortunately I think about it from time to time, it won’t be because I want to hurt everyone as a form of payback.  It will be because I cannot live with myself anymore.  I should have been dead a long time ago.

The more I think about it, the next best opportunity to take my own life was when I decided to transition.  The better alternative would have been suicide.  I see that now, and I am ok with it.  It would have surely hurt everyone that knows me, until everyone would have moved on and forgotten about me.  It could have been hard and quick.  What I am left with now is an existence where I hurt others continually.  I hate myself for hurting everyone.  It feels sometimes too much to bear.

I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I have and continually do.  This is turning out to be incredibly difficult.  I am sure that gender transition was my best option, barring suicide.  Becoming a woman is what I have always wanted, which has become blatantly clear to me now.  That revelation is both disturbing and liberating at the same time.  It almost seems like transsexuals should be forced to fake their death and be transported to somewhere where they can’t do anyone any harm, but themselves.

I have also contemplated de-transitioning until I can get this issue under control, but I don’t think it will help.  I don’t want to stop now, or ever.  It makes me feel too good about myself to walk away from.  I don’t know what to do.  I am out of resources.  I am scared.  I am again wondering if it is all worth it.  I feel like I am forcing myself on everyone because I am.  I want to just be.

Gender transition is truly a double edged sword.  On the one side, I feel better and better about myself, but the other side cuts a deep gash into my personal relationships.  It’s like I have to hurt everyone to be able to do the things that make me complete.  Transsexuals are an abomination, myself included.  I carry on a shameful existence.  My problem is that my transition is such a satisfying experience to me myself, but I am having trouble dealing with everything that goes along with it.  I am sure this is why I put it off for so long.  I’m sure too that the hormones have a lot to do with how I perceive things, but I feel they have corrected my perceptions and opened me up to being able to really feel things that I otherwise wouldn’t.  Remember when you told me that the most important thing was that I had to truly be myself?  

I tried to do a gestalt with my therapist last week to try to resolve this, but I ended up getting so upset I couldn’t continue.  My biggest problem with all of this is the fact that I have totally obliterated the one relationship that I need the most apparently.  I am such a sorry piece of shit.

Another Shot Across the Bow

So I've been threatened with legal action or to be labeled a bad blogger if I write anything more about a certain part of my life. This is bullshit. If I conform, which I will, I will be whitewashing my past and leaving out a large chunk. I've probably written enough about it anyway. I am just disappointed that I have to censor myself on my forum, this blog. It kinda takes the meaning out of it. I've been told to further hold my feelings inside and not let them spill out on this page. I guess therapy will be my forum for working through that issue. And to those who have been asked to "monitor" me, thanks for stopping by silently, you will become bored really fast. Sorry, no caper here.

The brighter side is that I have a good life now which can only get better without the bread from yesterday. I have more exciting things to write about, like the olive corduroy pants that I am making. My cutting table should be delivered today at 4p. I will finally be able to work comfortably at something that brings me satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. It also helps me take my mind off the bullshit I must endure.

I spoke with Liz and Rachel yesterday. It was good to hear from them. Everyone on the home front is doing well, except for the blizzard that was dumping large amounts of snow on them. Rachel will hopefully be coming to visit in April sometime. We will no doubt have lots of fun together. I miss my sisters and mother very much. Luckily I will be visiting with them soon.

Clean

I have hopefully closed a dark chapter in my life tonight. It was punctuated by something I have never done before, editing posts. I felt it was necessary for long overdue reasons. I knew I would have to walk away from certain things from my past life in deciding to transition. The losses I am now mostly fine with now. They have lightened the load I must carry into the future. Now that I know for sure there is no chance of getting them back, I can forget about them and move forward. There will be undoubtedly more losses to come, but I am better prepared to deal with them. Thank you to all the people who care about and support me, that means you trini.
walk good.

Saufen!

Ich bin besoffen. Sorry, dass ich diesen Post auf Deutsch schreibe, aber wollte ich mal machen. Ich bin sehr frustriert und auch aufgeregt. Mein Job ist total Scheisse goworden. Ich koennte nichts mehr vernueftig konstruieren. Alles wurste. Ich habe immer die Hofnung dass einige dinge besser werden. Mein erlebnis als Frau ist eigentlich sehr Wohl teuend. Deshalb ist das gefuehl alles was ich habe zu mir erfreuen momentan. Der hessen Winter ist sehr grau, wie immer. Die graue Winter sollte bis jetzt gewohnt, weil ich immer nur in Norden gewohnt habe. Ich konnte erinnern damals wann ich im New Bedford gewohnt habe und alles gleich grau war. Ich hatte dann Grau erwartet als normal. Meine Augen sind blau und deshalb empfindlich, und die Sonne war auf einmal zu Hell gewesen. Ich konnte jetzt irgendwie nicht mehr die graue einsehen. Ich brauche die Sonne dringend. Also, ich bin besoffen, und schreiben auf deutsch ist mir momentan zu schwer geworden. Bis demnaechst...

Graues Himmel

I thought I posted this on Saturday, but when I looked tonight, it wasn’t there.  So make believe it’s the weekend all over again.  Pay no attention to the next post standing behind that curtain over there.  A very angry Chrissy wrote it.

What a crappy week.  I have been a total crank all week.  It has been so gray and cold here.  Some good things have come to pass this past week, but I am in a funk and need to get out of it.  Work has been full of stress and the cost analyst that sits in my office with me is driving me insane.  Thankfully I will be moving to a workroom one floor lower on Monday, and he will be staying in my old office.  I have had to justify my every design decision to the consultant, and since he feels he is a top fit designer, he believes his ideas are better than mine.  I haven’t been able to concentrate with him around without listening to my music with headphones turned up really loud.  I am not a happy camper.

I went to a concert with Helmi last Sunday in Lorsch.  We saw Wishbone Ash at the Rex Music Theater.  The venue is really small with very few seats.  The band was good, though I had never heard of them before he invited me to go.  The band has been around since 71 or something.  We saw Canned Heat there about three years ago, they were really good.  I love the blues.  I had a good time with Helmi, mostly because I was with him outside of work without him lamenting about work.

On Monday I went to La Bodega with Ellie after work for a glass of wine.  She has been inquisitive lately as to why I have to go to see the doctor all the time.  Ellie is one of our department secretaries, and if I leave within the normal office hours I have to let the secretaries know just in case someone comes looking for me.  I decided it was time to tell her about myself since I felt close enough to her to tell her.  She feels like a sister to me.  So I told her and she was very supportive.  Though she did have the same advice as Heike did.  The advice was that I have the same discussion with my business unit manager.  I am not looking forward to that discussion, but they are right, I should probably give him maximum notice so that he has time to get used to the idea.  I have known him now for eight years and still don’t like him.  I think the dislike is mutual, or at least that is the vibe I get from him.  I really try to like him, but just can’t find it me.  He is a total scalawag.

I wrote an email this week to northwest airlines trying to get my miles from the holiday flights credited.  It was a shot in the dark, but it worked out favorably.  All my miles were instantly credited and I have qualified for silver elite status.  I can hopefully reap the benefits such as free upgrades to business or first class, preferred boarding, preferred check-in, 150% miles, etc.  I have earned 76,000 miles with nwa over the past ten years.  All I have to do is fly to the states twice before the end of February 2007 to retain that status.  That won’t be a problem since this week I booked my flights to Detroit and Providence for my name change, and I am sure I will go back at least for the holidays again.  I will without a doubt end up repeating the same itinerary for as long as I live in Europe.  I am actually almost used to the long flights there and back.  Having music, something to read, and good earplugs helps.  I am happy that I will be able to visit family and friends again so soon.

I had been mulling over quitting the laser and starting back with the electrolysis.  I haven’t been able to tell so clearly if the laser I am doing now is having any effect.  I see the darker hairs that it has affected falling out, but they are few and far between now as compared to the blonde or colorless.  I think the dreaded time has come to go back to the torturous needle.  I contacted Ellen in the Odenwald to set up an appointment.  She called me in the evening and we spoke for close to an hour.  She asked if I thought I could handle a three hour session.  I will try.  I stupidly scheduled the appointment the only time she had free, the day before I fly to Detroit.  I hope my face doesn’t look to scary afterwards.  I can just imagine the little red dots and puffiness all over again.  Anyway I bit the bullet and made the first appointment.  I hope I can at least clear around my mouth and chin before I start living full time.  I would love it if I didn’t have to shave at all after going full time, but at this point I’m not sure that is a realistic goal.  I’ll just have to wait and see.

I worked on a sweater this week, it fits well, but I still need to decide how to finish the edges.  I was considering a narrow bias satin binding.  I want to finish it so I can wear it to the stammtisch tonight.  I also finished sewing the trial garment for the cropped trousers I want to make.  They fit well everywhere except for the waist,  but it seemed more that the crotch depth wasn’t correct and therefore the waistband was sitting lower than it should.  I need to try them on again and decide what to do.  I ordered a cutting table last night from a sewing supply on the net.  I am a little skeptical because it is made completely of cardboard.  Since I am holding out for an oak dining table, I don’t have any other work surface except for the floor or the end of bed.  Both of which are not very comfortable to work on, and therefore I have been less than productive with my sewing projects.  I want to make a nice pair of pants or a skirt to wear with a blazer to my name change hearing.

I bought another pair of boots online the other night.  They should arrive on Monday or Tuesday.  I have been fiending for a black pair of boots to go with nicer clothes.  Most of my new wardrobe consists of browns and greens.  I want to mix in some black and maybe purple too.  I bought the boots at 50% off the original price, so I don’t feel so guilty about it.  They are really good quality too, made by paul green in Austria.  I will hopefully have made enough clothes by the time I go full time, but I need to get stylish yet comfortable shoes for work.  There is plenty of shopping time in between now an then so I should be able to be properly prepared.

I think I will go to work today for a couple of hours to try and chip away at my negative hours.  I could probably actually get something done today without any disturbances.  Check ya later…

The end of it

I have made many mistakes lately. To those I have offended: I am sorry. I'm sure how many times I have to say that, a lot apparently. I am sick of certain people telling me that I should feel guilty about who I was and who I am. I am sorry things have turned out the way they have for everyone involved in my life.

As if I could have somehow made the decision to transition earlier in life, but knowingly didn't just to be an asshole and fuck people's lives up. I do take responsibility for my life and that is why I am transitioning. When I have said that I knew for years that I would transition, I am over simplifying my feelings. After leaving mass and moving to Detroit, I thought I had beaten my demons. I tried to stop the progression within. I was fairly successful for two to three years, and then it came back. I was confronted by it and denied it. After that denial, the thought stuck in my head and I re-visited the decision for years after. I kept telling myself you don't need it that bad.

Transitioning seemed really scary and not something I wanted to undertake. Besides, it wasn't me, or so I wanted to believe. I looked at it as something I had experienced as a observer and was glad I didn't have to take things to that extreme. The fear and feelings of shame kept me from transitioning. Occasional cross dressing helped me to sustain the belief that I was only such. I realize now that the cross dressing meant for me that I could see on the outside the person I envisioned myself to be on the inside.

I am glad that I finally gave up the futile struggle. I have suffered all my life by denying who I innately identify myself as. I am glad that there is help for me in this world.

Do you know what it is like to live with inner conflict EVERY day of your life?

I am sorry to everyone that I decided so late to do something about it. I am done [hopefully] saying sorry and writing posts such as this trying to defend my position to those who discard it totally. I have always taken responsibility for my own life, and will continue to do so as best I can.

I am pissed as you can probably tell. I have brought this on myself once again, more mistakes. Certain mistakes I do not plan to make anymore. Certain persons, mark my words, will never be mentioned in any way, shape or intimation on my blog ever again. I hope to never see or hear from certain persons ever again. I have never said that before in my life, and it makes me sad to have to do it now. But bitterness and anger I can do without.

Furthermore, this is my blog. I get to write the things I want on it and you can't do anything about it. Whoever reads this can make up their own minds whether I am a fake, superficial, an asshole, a selfish asshole, just a man who will always be a man, a man who hates himself for being a man, delusional, psychotic, narcissistic, a compulsive liar, an aesthetically compulsive transvestite, deliberately mean, gay, obsessive compulsive, etc.

I think my success so far in my endeavor to transition makes certain people angry. I think this is because they really wanted or expected me to fail as a come due for deliberately hurting them by my decision to transition. I have always been able to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my life. I am where i am at today in all aspects of my life because I worked hard for it.